TV

Who Really Should Have Won Game of Thrones?

What's the fattest crow Bran ever warged?

GameOfThrones - Season 8 Official Trailer

via Youtube.com

Chaos is a ramp.

The longer Game of Thrones ran on, the more apparent it became that showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss had no idea who George R.R. Martin's characters actually were. After three incredible early seasons, the quality dropped and dropped and dropped, until Arya turned into an unstoppable plot armor machine, Jaime lost his entire character arc, and Tyrion became a stupid idiot. Now, here we are at last, with "Bran the Broken" sitting on the Iron Throne.

As Tyrion told the lords and ladies of the Seven Kingdoms while he was supposed to be pleading for his life (which I guess Grey Worm just kind of forgot about): "We need good stories or some shit, so let's make Bran the Broken king because he fell out a window, and then he can make me Hand which won't look suspicious at all, no sir." We do, indeed, need good stories. But this ain't one of those, chief.

Honestly, Bran's a pretty bad choice for king. Dude is straight warged out all the time. He immediately banished his brother, Jon Snow, for stopping a genocidal maniac––all so he could "keep the peace" with a foreign army who immediately left on a ship. Then, during his first real policy meeting, he immediately bows out to go warg into a dragon. So here's a list of everyone who would have been a better choice for the iron throne (or lack thereof) than some impotent druggie with a fuzz mustache.

Jon Snow

Sure, Jon Snow ending up in charge wouldn't exactly "subvert expectations." But considering how much time the show wasted on Jon's lineage and rightful claim to the throne, that plotline really should have gone...somewhere...anywhere. As it stood, Bran's assertion that Jon "needs to know the truth" or whatever was total bullshit. Let the poor dude love his aunt in peace.

Daenerys

It would have been pretty cool if Daenerys really did claim total power after destroying King's Landing. She could have executed Tyrion and murdered Jon to truly wipe out any possible usurpers, and proven once and for all that in the game of thrones, bad political decisions (ie: supporting the "wrong" person) has drastic consequences.

Night King

Truthfully, the Night King always should have won. He had total control over an undead army who answered to him unconditionally. He was up against a fractured group of semi-literate wildmen standing their ground atop a massive crypt full of dead people (aka more soldiers for the Night King). His loss was only due to pure deus ex machina, and his ultimate victory could have symbolically shown that unless people band together as one, we'll never defeat...global warming?

Sansa

Sansa knew how to politic better than anyone else still living at the end of the show. For instance, she would never have appointed Bronn as "Master of Coin," considering he's irresponsible with money and has no legitimate claim to a position of power. Sansa would rule fairly, responsibly, and properly, instead of just leaving meetings to get warged out like her dumb brother.

Lady Stoneheart

Imagine if Lady Stoneheart (undead Catelyn Stark for all you non-book readers) had been in the show? If she had been there, it probably wouldn't have gotten so crappy. She could have properly avenged her children, seduced the Night King with her own zombie powers, and then assumed her rightful position as Queen (with the Night King as her Hand, of course). So cool, so good.

Ghost

Ghost was a good boy and deserves the Seven Kingdoms and all the treats.

Euron

I've spoken about this before, but Euron was the single best character on season 8 of Game of Thrones. He was basically the embodiment of what the show became under D&D––a total shitshow. So it would have made perfect sense for him to assume the ultimate role as the undisputed winner in the end. He still could have had his totally unnecessary ten-minute death match with Jaime, too. Here's how it would go down:

Jaime and Euron fight to the death in 8.5, with Jaime seemingly killing Euron and Euron grinning as he "dies," thinking about how he killed the Kingslayer for no reason.

Then, in 8.6, Euron wakes up. Jaime's blade missed his vital organs. He survived. And because he was outside King's Landing proper, he missed Dany's genocide, too.

Euron wanders through the blown out city, finally encountering Tyrion. He's never properly met Tyrion before and has no reason to kill him, but he stabs Tyrion anyways.

Then Euron makes his way to the Red Keep. Daenerys is giving her victory speech to the Unsullied and Dothraki. Euron can't understand her language, which upsets him. He interrupts her by singing a song out loud as he dances his way up the stairs. Everyone is delighted and entertained. When he reaches the top, he beheads Daenerys with one fell swoop of his cutlass and announces, "I'm the man who stuck a finger in Cersei's bum."

Everyone is onboard except Jon Snow, who steps forward and yells, "MUH KWEEN!" Euron promptly kicks him down the stairs. Jon takes a tumble and breaks his neck. Euron throws his hands in the air and says, "Did I do that?"

Then he drops trou, takes a piss on Daenerys' corpse, and shouts, "EURONation."

The Unsullied pound their poles and chant, "Euron, Euron, Euron."

Drogon comes out all sad, so Euron fucks him in front of everyone.

Cut to: one year later. Euron sits on the Iron Throne. Drogon is his queen, and three little baby dragons fly around, except they all have Euron's head, just like in Shrek.

Expectations––subverted.


Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com

TV

How Every Main Character in "Game of Thrones" Was Ruined in the Last Season

Game of Thrones' showrunners basically declared "Dracarys" on all the character development in their series.

Showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss seem to have approached Game of Thrones season 8 with one goal in mind––to destroy every single narrative arc that has made the series compelling thus far.

The final season is so god awful that hating it is becoming cliche. From the hacky, fan-fiction-esque dialogue of every interpersonal scene to the unwatchable lighting of the most important battle of the series, the only salvageable element might be the set design. Minus the Starbucks cup snafu, of course.

But worse than any surface-level issues, this season of Game of Thrones seems to completely throw away everything that makes our favorite characters compelling. It's fine to make a character we love do something we don't want them to do, even if that something is downright evil––as long as that action is properly motivated. Likewise, we might enjoy watching a character we like doing something cool (like shanking the Night King), but unless that action feels earned, their feat rings hollow. So without further ado, let's dissect exactly how Benioff and Weiss have decimated all the best narrative arcs:

Daenerys

The core issue with Daenerys laying waste to King's Landing was not that she did something evil. In fact, Daenerys' shift from "Breaker of Chains" to "homicidal lunatic" could have been a fantastic character shift if it made even a lick of sense. But based on everything we've seen in the entire show, Daenerys destroying the townsfolk of King's Landing was simply something her character wouldn't do.

D&D want us to believe that Dany, whose entire arc has revolved around freeing slaves and coming into her own as a benevolent ruler and figurehead, would suddenly commit genocide because her friend was murdered, a few of her advisors are gone, and her nephew (Jon Snow) doesn't want to sleep with her anymore. They try to convince us of this by having characters around her say things like "don't do anything crazy, Daenerys!" and second-guess her authority in the episodes leading up to the genocide, even though she hadn't done anything to warrant those actions.

They could have found ways to make her descent into madness convincing. They also could have reached the same point in the plot without actually making her intentionally genocidal. For instance, she could have burnt the Red Keep, triggering a chain reaction of wildfire planted by Cersei beneath the city. This would have been consistent with Daenerys' impulsive nature, while not going against everything she's stood for as a character (ie: freeing slaves, killing slavers, not murdering innocent people). It also would have looked like genocide to the people on the ground, meaning the need for her political removal would still ring true. But nope, Daenerys is a genocidal monster now because girl power or something.

Jaime

Everyone loves a great redemption arc, and Jaime certainly seemed to be heading in that direction. Jaime's case was especially interesting because the actions he was being redeemed from––chief amongst them, pushing a child out a window––seemed so unforgivable. This made his general likeability, a budding friendship with Brienne, and occasionally noble actions all the more compelling. Jaime may have done awful things because he loved Cersei, but he also understood his flaws and wanted to change for the better. Could a character like that ever be redeemed?

Everything in the show seemed to point towards "yes," giving Jaime one of the most powerful redemption arcs in fiction. He had fully broken free of Cersei's grip and moved on to another woman (Brienne) who accepted him for who he was––that is, until Cersei sent Bronn to murder him with a crossbow and, for some reason, that experience makes Jaime decide to leave everything behind and return to her. It's fine that Jaime never completed his redemption arc; it's not fine that his motivation for going back was nonsensical. Why, after everything Jaime had been through, would Cersei sending someone to murder him cause him to run back to her?

Brienne

What better way to deal with a strong bastion of female empowerment like Brienne––a woman in a patriarchal society who has dedicated her entire life to subverting gender roles and becoming a knight––than turning her into a sobbing mess over a man leaving her for his sister after taking her virginity? Would the Brienne we knew in the first seven seasons ever act like that? Really? REALLY?

Tyrion

Tyrion is very clever. We know this because everyone in the show is always talking about how clever Tyrion is supposed to be. Except he's not clever anymore. He was certainly clever during the earlier seasons, but that might as well have been a different character. Currently, Tyrion has an almost prophetic ability to pick the most incorrect option imaginable, from thinking Cersei would actually help him fight the White Walkers to backing Daenerys right before she commits genocide. For whatever reason, D&D turned Tyrion into a total moron.

Jon Snow

Jon is a great leader. We know this because...sensing a pattern here...everyone tells us he is. At one point in the show, Jon really did broker some degree of peace between the Night's Watch and their sworn enemy, the Wildlings. But at this point in the show, Jon seems to prefer being entirely useless at all times. His best recent "leadership" moves were kind of shouting at a zombie dragon and meekly telling two dudes to "fall back" after King's Landing had already been on fire for three hours. He also really loves "muh queen," which is apparent because the script makes him say this constantly.

Varys

People say Varys is one of the few characters who stayed consistent. They're wrong. Old Varys would never have politicked out in the open. He was the "Master of Whispers," not the "Master of Shouting Intent." Why, then, did he make his intentions to overthrow Daenerys so crystal clear to everyone around her? Did he forget how to Game of Thrones? Good riddance.

Night King

The Night King was set up to be the greatest evil in the history of the world, the worst threat humanity has ever faced. From the beginning of Game of Thrones, we heard one refrain over and over: "Winter is coming." The Night King was winter, and he came only to get single-handedly thrashed by a teenager. He never got reason or motivation or character development either, which probably would have been fine if he had actually been the great evil he was chalked up to be. But, again, he got absolutely bodied by a teenager within two seconds of meeting her. Total waste of space.

Arya

Yes, Arya is very badass. She can teleport and shoot arrows and kill the world's most ultimate evil, no problem. She can also steal people's faces, or at least she could at one point but seems to have forgotten how, so who knows? When she's running scared in the middle of King's Landing she doesn't seem to have her teleport powers either, but luckily she still has the thickest layer of plot armor that anybody has ever had. Her plot armor is so thick that everyone seems to die in her part of King's Landing except her. So Arya's still totally cool, she just doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

Euron

Euron is the best character on the show, hands down. People love shitting on Euron, but he's the perfect embodiment of everything Game of Thrones has become. Every scene with Euron is like watching some guy from a different set wander on to create a mess. Need something killed to move on the plot? Have Euron do it. Need a ten-minute fight scene for no reason with a character nobody currently has any reason to fight? Have Euron do it. Want somebody to talk about sticking fingers up people's butts out of nowhere? Euron's your guy. He's like some weird Jack Sparrow x Game of Thrones fanfiction bullshit and the show is totally ruined now so hey, why the hell not? #TeamEuron


Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com


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via youtube.com

After spending the majority of seven seasons dealing in subtlety, nuance, and clever plot devices, the Game of Thrones team seems to have decided the best way to end a chess game is to flip the board, stomp on it, and then light it on fire.

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

Daenerys spent the majority of Season 8 episode 5 fulfilling every toxic trope of the scorned, histrionic woman. At least we can be grateful that if anyone accuses her of being on her period they can expect to die in a blaze of dragon fire. David Benioff and D.B. Weiss (D&D), having taken the season into their own, clumsy, bro-ish hands, have definitively raised the question among fans: Have those two Q-tips with eyes ever met an actual woman? Given the graceless handling of Dany's previously fascinating story arc, it would appear that D&D are doing their best to turn fans against the Dragon Queen by making her two-dimensional and illogically vengeful.

To be clear, there is nothing inherently wrong with a "mad queen" storyline. But there is something vaguely offensive about running out of time to wrap up your show and consequently deciding to use chewing gum and elbow grease to shove a crude storyline onto what was previously one of the best characters on TV. Even Emilia Clarke has struggled to contain her disappointment in the lackluster final season.

Yes, a mad queen arc was always a possibility, but to make that choice without exploring any of Dany's internal turmoil or showing any resistance to this biological mental illness that has apparently overtaken her is lazy and jarringly sudden. That's not to mention the blood-boiling implication that the massacre was set off by Jon romantically rejecting Dany, firmly placing "the breaker of chains" into the stereotype of the jaded, crazy woman. Whether intentionally or not, D&D are painting the picture that dire consequences come from trusting a woman with power.

Sure, it's tempting to argue that to read so deeply into the treatment of gender in a fantasy show about dragons and magic is unnecessary, but one has to keep in mind that Game of Thrones is one of the most widely consumed pieces of media in the history of the world. We have to hold artists responsible for treating female characters with as much respect and care as they do male characters, particularly when they're given a platform as vast as D&D have been given. We expected so much better.

The CGI fire was extremely cool, though.


Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.


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Sometimes, in an emotionally manipulative relationship, the abusive partner does something just to assert their dominance and prove what they can get away with.

We've all experienced it: perhaps it was a mother-in-law telling you the pattern on your drapes makes her think of genocide, because she knows you'll just grimace and bear it. Or, maybe it was a romantic partner skipping your anniversary dinner to play paintball because he knows you'll forgive him eventually. Or maybe it was last night during Game of Thrones, when they blatantly left a Starbucks to-go cup in a scene, because, by god, you aren't going to stop watching now.

The GOT team knows they've got us hooked, so they're daring us to leave them, knowing that we're in too deep and much too weak to walk away. They're taunting us with their apathy, giving us laughably manipulative character development (oh no, Khaleesi is all power hungry now! Wonder where this could go...), absurdly short time lapses (wow, all of Winterfell made it to King's Landing in about a half hour), and even transparent provocation like LEAVING A GRANDE SOY LATTE IN A SHOT. If you think for one second that that coffee cup accidentally made it past the director and every actor, camera-op, editor, and other member of the best on-set army a $90 million budget can buy, than you're about as thick as Jon Sn— excuse me, erm, Aegon Targaryen.

That coffee cup was intended as either the most subtle Starbucks ad of all time or an outright taunt of all the fans who have allowed this show to take up real estate in our brains for the last eight years. While we may care about Game of Thrones, they sure as hell don't care about us, and episode by episode they're proving it to us more and more.

All of that being said, can't wait for next Sunday's episode!


Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.


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Photo by Chris Curry on Unsplash

This week's episode of Game of Thrones left fans to deal with a lot of feelings.

Our bodies are full of the adrenaline of battle, grief for fallen friends, and the trauma of the horrible things we saw on that long, cold night. Yet, here we all are, wearing pencil skirts in our cubicles, expected to partake in the slow churn of capitalism as if we didn't see an undead ice dragon murder all our friends just last night.

While you work on physically unclenching and emotionally returning from the hellscape of Winterfell to the real-life hellscape of America, we're sure your head is swimming with questions about what exactly happened last night. Ours too, so let's remain in Westeros together just a little longer, shall we?

Couldn't Melisandre have done a bit more?

We aren't particularly clear on the intricacies of the red lady's relationship to the lord of light, or what exactly the lord of light's whole schtick is anyway (we do know he occasionally demands the murder of small, charming children), but it just seems like maybe the duo could have contributed more to the battle. Sure, Melisandre lit some curvy swords and pointy sticks on fire and said an annoyingly vague thing about blue eyes, but what about sending some fireballs raining down on the undead army? Or just setting the night king on fire?? Honestly, we would even have been satisfied with just a tad more visibility.

BRAN WE WOULD HAVE LOVED SOME UPDATES

Where are you, spooky boy? We know you're off enjoying the feeling of wind in your feathers but do you wanna share any of that newfound wisdom? Maybe even just let Theon know to dodge to the right a little?

Is my TV broken? Why can't I see anything?

Everyone knows Game of Thrones is dark, but most people thought that descriptor primarily applied to the content and themes, not the quality of the actual cinematography. But last night millions of Americans questioned the functionality of their TV screens as they screamed at friends and spouses, "PAUSE IT I'M GONNA TURN THE KITCHEN LIGHT OFF AND SEE IF THAT HELPS, TURN OUT THE LAMP!" Alas, even watching the show in total darkness did not help visibility, and we all continued to squint at our respective screens until the dragons burst above the clouds and we all winced as our pupils were flooded with unexpected moonlight.

DID NO ONE THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT CRYPTS ARE FULL OF DEAD PEOPLE?!?!

Listen, we know you had a lot of singing and drinking and fucking to do before the battle, but did it not cross ANYONE'S mind that the night king's whole thing is making dead bodies into bony murderers with dreamy blue eyes? At least their stupidity earned us that tender hand kiss between Sansa and Tyrion.

Do we kind of want a Sansa and Tyrion romance to happen?

I mean, did you see that tender hand kiss? Sure, he's probably in the later stages of syphilis and liver failure by now, but nobody's perfect and DID YOU SEE THAT TENDER HAND KISS? Sorry, I'll try to stop yelling.

Was Jon Snow riding the other dragon really the best move?

We get it, he wants Dany to call him Aegon in bed now, he rides dragons, WE GET IT. But isn't Jon's whole thing that he's really good at swords? Was he really helping by getting severe windburn on the back of a dragon that's realistically gonna do whatever it wants? Also, RUN A LITTLE FASTER AT THE NIGHT KING JON WHAT WAS WITH THAT LIGHT JOG?! LETS SEE SOME HUSTLE! Ugh.

Has Daenerys ever held a sword?

Sure, she's small, but if Arya has taught us anything its that size does not matter when it comes to kicking ass in Westeros. As he has since the days of desert wandering and Emilia Clarke agreeing to on-screen nudity, Jorah shows up to save the dragon queen's life, and in doing so, dies as he lived: deep in the friend zone.

Arya's dagger drop is the fan service we all deserved for sticking with this hell show for 8 seasons

Was Arya's appearance out of nowhere a moment of extreme deus ex machina? Absolutely. Was it debatably lazy and too easy? Absolutely. Was it the coolest damn thing we've ever seen? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.

Hopefully, by next week, we'll all have recovered enough to dive into the battle's afterm—

WAIT WHERE IS THE SECOND DRAGON IS HE OKAY? WAIT, HOLY SHIT, IS GHOST OKAY?! WHERE DID GHOST GO?

OH MY GOD IF WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANOTHER DRAGON DEATH OR ANOTHER DIRE WOLF DEATH I SWEAR TO GOD I AM OUT THIS TIME!!!! I REALLY MEAN IT I SWEAR I'LL STOP WATCHING THIS TIME I'LL DO IT!!!

NO I WILL NOT STOP YELLING.


Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.



If there's anything we can count on about Game of Thrones fans, it's that they generate superb Internet content.

Honestly, the most convincing reason to keep watching the HBO mega-hit is to understand your twitter feed after the show. We're left with tons of questions from this week's episode (how old is Arya?! Did Jon leave the crypt the whole episode? What's up with Jaime's bangs?,) but we're also left with memes that are arguably more entertaining than the show itself. Enjoy.

The internet was aghast that Arya Stark turned out to have sexual energy. Here are some of the best reactions to Arya and Gendry gettin' it on in the crypt:




One of the most meme-able characters this episode was Tormund, who not only casually shared a, um, fascinating anecdote about being breastfed by a giant but also proved that time had done nothing to dilute his deep love for Brienne.


Perhaps the king of Game of Thrones memes and sizzling one liners, Bran also got plenty of internet love after the episode.




Lets not forget the online frenzy caused by Jon and Dany's crypt convo.



And that dire wolf cameo!

Hopefully, no matter how much GoT continues to spoon feed viewers expected plot points, we'll at least have plenty of quality tweets to keep us warm.




Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.


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