"Paul Blart: Mall Cop" Perfectly Captures the Capitalist Hellscape of Black Friday

Paul Blart: Mall Cop is the greatest Thanksgiving/Black Friday movie of all time.

Columbia Pictures

Thanksgiving is okay, but let's be honest, the day after Thanksgiving is so much better.

While Thanksgiving is all about eating poorly seasoned turkey and fuming at your boomer dad who won't stop whining about "illegals" (and failing to grasp the irony of doing so on a day celebrating the genocide of indigenous people at the hands of white, European colonialists), the day after Thanksgiving is all about the movie Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop - watch the trailer

Don't be fooled by the janky trailer that seems like someone edited out a laugh track. In stark contrast to its Tomatometer score of 33%, Paul Blart: Mall Cop is inarguably one of the greatest crowning achievements of American cinema. No, I'm not joking.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop tells the story of one Paul Blart, an obese New Jersey man who wants to be a cop but can't pass the physical fitness test because of said obesity. So instead, Paul Blart becomes a mall cop who takes his job way too seriously. Lucky for him, on the night of Black Friday (that's the day after Thanksgiving!), a group of thugs decide to pull a mall heist (no, that doesn't make sense), and it's up to Paul as a low-wage mall employee to save capitalism as we know it.

If you've never bothered watching an Oscar-winning drama, you might be shocked by the ferocity with which Kevin James (who also co-wrote the movie) approaches the role of Paul Blart. Take this scene, for instance, wherein Blart accidentally drinks an entire pitcher of margarita and then assaults a lot of people in a restaurant. When Blart shoves pineapple into a man's mouth and then climbs on a booth to grab another man's head before hurling the restaurant's old, hired singer offstage, Kevin James transcends traditional physical comedy. This isn't just your typical goofy bumblef*ck bumbling around. You can see a dark fire in Paul Blart's eyes and a latent rage bubbling just beneath his squishy surface.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009) - Getting Wasted Scene (2/10) | Movieclips

The darkness of Paul Blart has not gone unnoticed by fans, with some comparing the Paul Blart franchise (there is also a Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2) to the incredibly depressing Japanese masterpiece, Neon Genesis Evangelion––an anime about children growing up in the remains of an apocalyptic, technologically advanced future. Considering Blart's violent fury coupled with his attachment to his segway, the Evangelion comparisons practically write themselves.

Paul Blart Evangelion

Just look at how well Paul Blart fits into the Evangelion intro.

【新世紀エヴァンゲリ/Shin Seiki Mall Cop/Neon Genesis Mall Cop】 OP #1「A Cruel Angel's Thesis」by Yoko Takahashi

But Paul Blart: Mall Cop isn't just another Evangelion rip-off. Whereas Evangelion approaches its dark subject matter through a distinctly Japanese lens, Paul Blart is patently American.

The true horror of Paul Blart: Mall Cop is that the apocalyptic hellscape he resides in is, in reality, just the current state of American capitalism and consumer culture. The movie's metaphorical precision is laser-sharp, and it's no mistake that Blart––a low-skill, low-wage mall employee tasked with saving a capitalist structure from which he does not benefit––faces both his greatest triumph and his greatest sadness on Black Friday––a day dedicated to sales. It is as if the movie is shouting at us: "Don't you sheep see that this is all a sham? Don't you realize that, like Blart, we've been tricked into tying our very identities to consumer capitalism?" In this light, Blart's rage is the quiet rage of the American underclass, working so hard to protect a system that doesn't protect them. His outbursts are the protests of the people, and his eventual defeat of the thugs is the sad, ultimate complacence that seems to overcome us at the end of the day.

After all, we still need to eat, right? Then, once we're full, we're primed to go out and spend money again. Rage, eat, spend, repeat. That's the true capitalist spirit of Thanksgiving and Black Friday, and no movie better reflects this reality than Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

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Late Capitalism Diaries: Zola Jesus Calls Grimes the Voice of "Silicon Fascist Privilege"

Zola Jesus and Grimes are both electronic-indie artists, but they have drastically different viewpoints on the role of AI in the music industry.

Day 1939042909311112094 under late capitalism.

Grimes and fellow musician Zola Jesus have gotten in a Twitter argument about whether artificial intelligence will wind up replacing human musicians.

Grimes Argues That AI Will End Live Music

It started as most debates do—in a podcast—this one hosted by theoretical physicist Steve C. Carroll. In the interview, Grimes claimed that live music will soon be "obsolete" (she later retracted that statement, stating that "obsolete" might've been a bit extreme), but the headlines latched onto the comments, and soon enough, Zola Jesus launched a critique of the artist known as c.

Grimes & i_o - Violence (Official Video)

In Jesus's defense, Grimes' comments were deeply dystopian. "Once there's actually AGI (Artificial General Intelligence), they're gonna be so much better at making art than us," she said. "Once AI can totally master science and art, which could happen in the next 10 years, probably more like 20 or 30 years."

It almost felt like she was parodying the worst kind of Instagram influencer, or one of the people in the Black Mirror episode "Nosedive." "Everyone wants to be in a simulation," she said. "They don't actually want the real world. Even if they think they do and everyone's like, 'Yeah, cool, live music!' If you actually look at actual numbers of things, everyone's gravitating towards the shimmery perfected Photoshop world."

Grimes - We Appreciate Power (Lyric Video)

Zola Jesus Connects Silicon Valley to Fascism

Jesus had a lot of thoughts about Grimes' comments. "Approaching the future of music and art with so much cynicism can only come from someone who really has nothing to lose," she wrote. "Danger comes from unchecked wealth and power." Grimes, she stated, was the embodiment of "Silicon fascist privilege."

She went on to clarify what she meant by "Silicon Fascism," defining it as "the neoliberal tech takeover by privileged individuals, creating miniature oligarchic kingdoms of power that will inevitably control once-democratized systems." She then posted a long-form essay on Patreon in which she expounded on AI and Silicon Valley's disconnect from reality and parallels to fascism.

"Everyone wants to be the next Apple or Facebook. They all want a place in history by contributing to a Better Tomorrow," she wrote. "This utopian excitement for the future makes me think of Italian Futurism. Futurism was a movement in 20th century Italy that very quickly became the face of Fascism. And today, it feels like a bit of a reprise as we emphasize innovation as an inevitability."

Zola Jesus "Vessel" (Official Music Video)

Jesus's argument about Silicon Valley's dominance, fascist tendencies, obsession with growth, and lack of ethics is a very valid and important point. The public is waking up to Mark Zuckerberg's chokehold on our information, but Facebook is just the tip of the iceberg. Technofascism is becoming more and more of a reality as the major tech companies gain power over worldwide industries and political elections. It's been proven that governments are using AI to commit human rights abuses, and law enforcement algorithms have been proven to display racist biases.

Yet all this feels strangely familiar. These sicknesses—human rights abuse, racism—aren't new. Perhaps they're just evolving. The truth is that despite its disturbing implications and the hegemonic nature of the companies that will control most of our AI, more often than not, AI merely reflects and magnifies preexisting human biases and flaws inherent in already fascist-leaning and capitalist states.

Zola Jesus - Exhumed (Official Music Video)

A Cyborgian Possibility: The Problem With Fearing AI (But Not Humans)

While Jesus's points about Silicon Valley's fascist leanings are valid and vitally important, her arguments about the importance of "humanness" feel less solid. She throws around descriptions about "working-class people" and marginalized groups, yet seems to have an idealized view of human failure. "We all strive for success, but inevitably we all fail. And embracing those failures is what makes life so f*cking beautiful," she writes.

That's a wise and valid sentiment, but then again, it's easier to fail if you have a support system and health care—and of course under late capitalism, so many people don't have the disposable income, time, or ability to experience live music.

Many of us react adversely when we hear critiques of idealized humanness, but what is humanness, anyway? Isn't the idealization of some ideal of civilized, unnatural humanness above all other things what got us into our current mess? Certainly, Jesus wasn't arguing for civilized behavior; if anything, she was arguing for the opposite; but still, the answer can't be as simple as clinging to some abstract vision of unchecked human expression and distrust of technology as the answer to all our problems.

Zola Jesus - Seekir

To argue that humans should return to a raw, analog human state located somewhere in the past is, to put it bluntly, to idealize a past wherein America was (arguably) even more homophobic and overtly racist than it is now. To over-idealize humans, with our volatile emotions and biases and tendency towards destruction, is to ignore the reality of who so many of us we have been and what civilization has always been doing, at least under the clutches of capitalism and colonialism.

That's not to say we shouldn't critique AI and the major tech companies, or that we should listen to people like Grimes who envision an AI-dominated state in the near future. It is to say that instead of blatantly resisting AI simply because it threatens old ways of life, we need to be looking closer at what kind of future we want to see.

In this spirit, many posthumanist scholars argue endlessly for a different perspective on a cyborgian future, one that blends humans and artificial intelligence in conjunction with ethics and democratic decision-making. If we can create AI that has an innate moral compass, that's helmed by diverse and compassionate leaders and elected officials, and that—most importantly—isn't built to mirror capitalism (a system designed to uplift a small few on the bodies of a disadvantaged mass, a system designed to make us pursue evolution and development at all costs), maybe then we're talking.

All this is easier said than done, and perhaps hopelessly idealistic, but you have to have some hope, right? Right? (Or is that what the basilisk wants us to think?)

Grimes - Oblivion

Post/Humanism: Live Music as Resistance

At its core, Jesus's central argument is a humanist one. Human compassion and the connection that arises from live music, she seemed to be implying, must not be replaced by soulless artificial intelligence. Live music is antithetical to Silicon Valley's pristine, gilded ethos, she argues. It's true: Few things make us feel more human than live music, with all its searing emotion and audience-performer transference.

Zola Jesus - Siphon | Sofar NYC

Yet as with anything in this wheelhouse, the truth (and music) is not divisible into good/evil binaries. Live music is powerful, but it is not a solution to the ravages of systemic injustice (not that anyone was implying it was), especially when it exists within a profitable system wherein artists are forced to tour relentlessly and sell tickets and merchandise for thousands of dollars. And of course, the music industry is not, and has never been, an entity that uplifts human emotion and expression above all else.

For her part, Jesus is rejecting the music industry's algorithms by supporting herself via Patreon donations, but that's also an impossibility for so many dedicated and hardworking artists.

That said, her essay and comments are brilliantly written and bring up vital points that absolutely merit continued discussion. It's all too easy for posthumanists locked up in their ivory towers to imagine futures of sublime cyborgian evolution while only analyzing ethical and emotional implications of AI in theory, so going forward, we absolutely need the kind of transparent analysis Jesus and Grimes' debate is presenting.

So, diary, I have chosen the hill I will die on today, which is: We need antitrust and regulatory policies and some seriously hard-working ethics in Silicon Valley.

Grimes - Genesis (Live on KEXP)