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It's Time for Superhero Movies to Stop Censoring Men's Chest Hair

Be proud of your fuzzy nips.

Warner Bros.

I have to get something off my chest, and no, it's not my luscious, curly chest hair.

As The Mary Sue point out in this enlightening article, Marvel apparently decides to shave almost all of their male superheroes' chests. As a dude sporting a pretty shaggy torso mat myself, I can't mince words here: Marvel's behavior is abhorrent, and I won't stand for it.

Everyone who's not a chud understands that body positivity––or at the very least, body acceptance––is, well, positive. In general, our media landscape has followed suit, if perhaps a little slowly. The cinematic landscape is far more diverse today than ever before, and a lot of that diversity centers around rejecting a uniform aesthetic of what is or is not attractive. And yet, as The Mary Sue illustrated, Marvel seems hellbent on telling hairy men that their chest hair is unwanted.

But here's where things get even worse for us forest-breasted lads: It's not just Marvel sending this message of hate.

Take Jason Momoa, for instance. Here's a man with some nice chest hair. Just look at his chest hair as Khal Drogo. That's the kind of chest hair one would expect from a barbarian warlord.

Khal Drogo HBO

Now look at him in DC's Aquaman.

Aquaman Shirtless Warner Bros.

Undoubtedly, DC made a conscious decision to shave Jason Momoa's chest hair. But why? Is it because swimmers often shave their body hair in order to glide more easily through the water?

Okay, fine. Well, then explain this. Here's Joaquin Phoenix, a handsome man with some nice chest pubix, in You Were Never Really Here.

Joaquin Phoenix Shirtless Amazon Studios

Now, here's Joaquin Phoenix shirtless in Joker. Can you tell what's missing?

Joker Shirtless Warner Bros.

Yeah, that's right, no chest hair. Don't even try to tell me that Arthur Fleck just randomly decided to shave his chest during a mental episode, because I don't buy that for a second. The chest shaving of The Joker is an intentional effort by DC to show us that the ideal male body does not have an ounce of pec hair.

But I don't think Marvel, DC, and whatever other hairless superpowered smut purveyors are in it alone. No, I think the rabbit hole goes deeper.

Considering the fact that we live in a capitalist hellscape, what if (and this is just a theory) superhero movies were marketing all their male heroes as bare-chested in an attempt to sell razors? What if the true mastermind behind all these no-chest hair superheroes was Gillette?

Okay, I know that's crazy. It's not like there's…

Marvel Gillette Gillette

Oh.

DC Comics Gillette Gillette

Oh boy. This is it. Not only has Gillette collaborated with both Marvel and DC on superhero-themed razors, but they also started #TheBestASuperHeroCanGet campaign in what can only be summed up as a hate crime against voluminously stranded men.

— (@)

If we men take any pride in the strands around our nips, we cannot let this stand. No longer will we let Gillette and their cabal of superhero capitalists tell us that the only male beauty is the hairless kind. We must rise up and throw our razors in the trash. We must pinch our bountiful locks in our fingers and shout, "I'm a hairy man, and that makes me beautiful." Then, at last, we must throw our superhero Blu-rays in the trash. #HairyANDSuper

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Every "Man" Angry About Gillette Needs His Diaper Changed

It's called "toxic masculinity" because you soiled your pants.

Two days ago, Gillette, the razor company, released their new Super Bowl spot on YouTube.

Its title, "We Believe: The Best Men Can Be | Gillette (Short Film)," lets you know that this isn't just another commercial. No sir, this is a short film. Gillette isn't just about selling razors anymore. Gillette is about real issues affecting real men. Gillette is woke. So listen up, dude, because Gillette is slicing up some hard truths: toxic masculinity is bad.

Here's the deal: Pretty much nobody likes this commercial—sorry, short film. The problem isn't that it's offensive. The message behind it— that "boys will be boys" is a damaging sentiment that holds men to a lower standard, and that we should be better than that— is spot on. The problem is that it seems disingenuous and pandering coming from a company owned by Procter & Gamble. These issues are too important to be paraded out in a ploy to get us to buy branded razors.

That's not to say the people behind the campaign don't genuinely care about toxic masculinity and the myriad ways in which it negatively impacts both men and women. But if you're actually a woke dude™, you don't need a razor company to tell you toxic masculinity is bad; you already know. And if you're not a woke dude, you're probably not going to become enlightened by a corporation whose primary interest is making money.

Make no mistake, the ad is a bust, missing its target audience completely.

THAT BEING SAID...

Some men are mad about the campaign for a different reason: Gillette is clearly attacking masculinity.

Take professional waste-of-space Piers Morgan, for instance:

— (@)

Imagine seeing a razor commercial that basically says, "hey guys, let's be nice to each other and not sexually harass women," and thinking, "this is a global assault on masculinity." Imagine that headspace. You would have to be so delusional, so completely immersed in your own victim-complex, that you internalize any piece of commentary on a well-documented phenomena affecting most women as a personal attack.

But Piers Morgan isn't alone in crying about his manflake feewings being hurt by a commercial. Former talented actor and current total nut job James Woods is also getting in on the fun:

— (@)

Ah, yes, the "men are horrible campaign," the one that, after decades of powerful men getting away with sexual abuse, is finally holding some of them accountable. James Woods is right. Men should be mad! How dare we not be able to assault women unchallenged! Isn't that what it means to be a man? We spit and fart and beat people up and allegedly try to leverage our celebrity to pick up underage girls. And we'll be damned if a stinking razor blade commercial tries to take that away from us.

Some pathetic, non-famous dudes are also mad that their precious manhood is being cut off by big bad Gillette. They've been posting their outrage under #GilletteFAIL.

We're talking about pillars of masculinity here, men to emulate.

Guys who know that the most victimized men are the white ones.

— (@)

Guys who think "soyboy" and "cuck" are insults instead of confessions of deep-seated insecurity.

— (@)

Guys who definitely don't have manginas.

— (@)

And of course, guys who are protesting by not shaving their handsome, oh-so-manly faces.

— (@)

Let's be honest here. If you claim to value traditional masculinity, but then proceed to get so deeply shaken by a commercial that you need to cry about it on twitter, you are not a reflection of your own values. You are a whiner. You are a complainer. You are a little baby crying into a void and your diaper needs changing. So sure, the Gillette ad may be "virtue signaling," but to the toxic "men" who are so, so offended by it: you're proving their point.

Oh, and check out the video above because as bad as corporate pandering may be, toxic dudes are a whole lot worse.

Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com

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