Donald Trump hates radical liberal E.T.

In response to the flagship Evangelical Christian magazine, Christianity Today, publishing a post-impeachment rebuke of Donald Trump and a call for his removal from office, Donald Trump bafflingly responded by bashing E.T., the beloved Steven Spielberg movie, which he also thinks is a book for some reason.

"I won't be reading ET again!" tweeted the impeached president, his brain likely mid-hemorrhage.

But if Donald Trump is under the impression that E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial is against him, that begs the question: What other movies does Donald Trump think are out to get him?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom A possible photograph of Jones in his Jew temple of doom.

Donald Trump has heard rumblings of a Jewish coup in Indiana, and while he hasn't been able to lock down the source yet, he has his top men on the case. Here's what the Trump administration has uncovered so far:

1. There is a Jewish man with the surname Jones somewhere in Indiana. Jones is not a traditional Jewish surname, which Trump finds suspicious.

2. Jews are untrustworthy and so are their temples, which Trump's sources have informed him are also called "synagogues." Creepy.

3. Jones is affiliated with a Jewish temple which will bring about "Doom," a concept that Mike Pence frequently references. Mike Pence is also from Indiana. Coincidence? Trump thinks not.

Mike Pence Donald Trump's special friend, Mike Pence. White House

4. Jews love money, so they must love Trump. But white supremacists are also very fine people, and Jews are probably not white. Could this be Jones' reason for starting his Temple of Doom in Indiana? What terrors does Jones have in store for Mike Pence and the good Christian folk of Indiana? Jewish trickery, no doubt.

Back to the Future

Back to the Future Evidence of old man with secret Jewish technology.

Back to the Future and "Make America Great Again" basically mean the same thing, or at least that's what Donald Trump thinks. What liberal trickery is behind this blatant attempt to steal his campaign slogan? Donald Trump isn't sure, but he has top men working on the case. Their discoveries are as follows:

1. There is an old man who built a time machine. Jew?
2. Michael J. Fox is in cahoots with this old man. Michael J. Fox is confirmed to be Jewish. This has deep state written all over. Must investigate further. Also, Michael J. Fox has become younger somehow?
3. Michael J. Fox and the old (Jewish?) man keep referring to Trump as Biff Tannen. Donald Trump has assumed many aliases to lie about himself, but never Biff Tannen. Could Biff Tannen be a new Donald Trump alias from the future?

Biff Tannen A cool picture of Donald Trump with a gun.

4. It seems likely that the democrats have funded illegal Jew technology to both make Michael J. Fox younger and convince Donald Trump to change his name to Biff Tannen in the future. Biff Tannen is a pretty cool name, but there's a missing puzzle piece here. Could this possibly be related to Jones from Indiana?

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Return of the Jedi Sneaky Hollywood Jews with Jewish technology.

Those damn Hollywood Jew liberals are behind the coup. Donald Trump knew it all along, but this is the proof he needed. It's right there in writing, clear as day: Star Wars. The Hollywood stars are planning to wage a war against the Trump administration, and they were stupid enough to put it out on billboards. But what is this Return of the Jedi gobbledygook all about? Donald Trump can't figure it out, but he has top men on the case. Their investigation has proven fruitful thus far, revealing:

1. A cabal of Jewish liberal Hollywood stars are prepping for a literal war against Donald Trump.
2. Their leader is a young Michael J. Fox. It is unclear how Michael J. Fox has aged backwards, but there is photographic evidence. Where did the Jews obtain this technology, and how can it be reclaimed for Americans?

Young Michael J Fox How did Michael J. Fox become younger?

3. The Hollywood elites are operating out of a secret Jewish temple, or "synagogue," based in Indiana.

4. Jedi might be a misspelling? Hollywood liberals are dumb. Could it be...Jeb?

Jeb Bush George W. Bush's brother, Jeb Bush, might be the key.

5. Is Jeb Bush involved? This is all starting to make sense.

6. Okay, the Hollywood liberals, lead by young Michael J. Fox, are stockpiling Jew technology at a temple in Indiana. Their goal is to resurrect Jeb Bush's failed presidential campaign, except with a better slogan than "JEB!" which is why they're trying to copy MAGA. They're probably also planning to make him younger, just like they did with Michael J. Fox. They also plan to convince Donald Trump to adopt the moniker "Biff Tannen," but to what end is still unknown. Their ultimate goal is clearly the doom of America, so we'll need to ask Mike Pence more about what that might entail. He's always quoting a book about it, so maybe he can be our secret weapon. Further investigation is required, but this is definitely shaping up to be the greatest scandal in America history, perhaps even more dangerous to our way of life than Sicario 2.

Larry Kramer, AIDS activist and artist, passed away today at 84.

Kramer was known for his books Faggots and The American People, as well as climate-changing plays like The Normal Heart. His close friend and literary executor, William Schwalbe, told CNN that Kramer died of pneumonia."Larry made a huge contribution to our world as an activist but also as a writer," said Schwalbe, who had known Kramer for 57 years. "I believe that his plays and novels, from 'The Normal Heart' to 'The American People' will more than stand the test of time."

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FILM

11 Classic Movies That Have Not Aged Well

Time to leave the past in the past.

20th Century Fox

When making a movie, writers, directors, and producers always need to consider longevity: Will this movie remain relevant to audiences in five years? Ten? Twenty?

Of course, some movies are made to capitalize on current trends, make a quick buck, and then slip away into the annals of zeitgeists past. You've Got Mail was dated even before AOL went out of style. But for every hacky "hey old people, check out this modern technology!" movie, there's a whole slew of movies that try to capture something honest and sincere in an attempt to appeal to audiences far beyond their era of creation.

Some succeed, earning the status of "classics" as viewers pass them down from generation to generation. But society changes with time, and our greater social ethos changes along with it. As a result, even some "classic" movies fall short when viewed with fresh eyes––and for some of them, perhaps it's time for their "classic" status to be revoked.

Dumbo (1941) and The Jungle Book (1967)

dumbo jim crow Disney

Both Dumbo and The Jungle Book were early, animal-oriented Disney films that imbued a surprising degree of racism into their otherwise still-relevant narratives. Dumbo featured a singing crow who was actually named Jim Crow after the segregation laws of the era. His character design, voice, and mannerisms all mimicked black caricatures of the time period.

The Jungle Book, which came out over 20 years later (but only two years after the end of Jim Crow laws), continued a similar stereotype with King Louie, a villainous orangutan coded as a black man who sings to Mowgli about wanting to act more human. To Disney's credit, the Jim Crow character has been removed from Dumbo entirely, both in the live action remake and the upcoming Disney+ streaming service release of the original.

One important point to note is that unlike many of the other entries on this list that should probably be retired completely, Dumbo and The Jungle Book both hold historical relevance. Their racist scenes are largely reflective of the larger, segregation-era and post-segregation-era sentiments in America during the 40s and 60s respectively. They continue to hold importance within the larger canon of Western animation but should be viewed with the caveat of being products of their time. The same cannot be said for many of the rest of the movies on this list.

Porky's and Animal House

animal house Universal Pictures

Consider this entry a catch-all for basically every "teen boys sexing it up" comedy of the late '70s and early '80s. All of these types of movies follow a group of raucous guys who engage in shenanigans revolving around sex with women. This would be fine if not for the fact that "sex with women" really means objectifying women, lying to women, peeping on women, and getting women very drunk and doing things to them without their consent. Female characters in these movies never seem like real people, existing entirely to fulfill the wishes of male viewers. It's no wonder that many of the men who grew up watching these movies still hold ridiculously toxic views about women.

Revenge of the Nerds

revenge of the nerds 20th Century Fox

Revenge of the Nerds is a lot like all the movies from the previous entry, except it goes a step farther by including an outright rape scene and passing it off as comedy. Here's the set-up: One of the nerds, Lewis, has a crush on Betty, the girlfriend of a jock named Stan. At a costume party, Betty waits in a bedroom to have sex with Stan. Lewis steals Stan's costume and has sex with her instead. Betty thinks she is having sex with Stan because she consented to have sex with Stan. She did not consent to have sex with Lewis. Therefore, Lewis raped her using deception. HAHAHA, right?

Of course, Betty is a non-character written by sexists, so she responds by falling in love with him. This has lead many other sexists to decide that this is not rape. They are incorrect. Rape by deception is rape. The act portrayed in this movie is rape. Anyone who disagrees is objectively a rape defender and a sexist. Feel free to out yourselves in the comments.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

ace ventura Warner Bros.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is just another wacky Jim Carrey romp where a big, loony goofball catches a murderer by...publicly removing her clothes to reveal that she's actually a pre-op transgender person? Wait. That's pretty messed up. Everyone gags and apparently this is supposed to be very funny? Looking back on it, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective basically boils down to a big "transgender people are gross!" joke. Lame.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

breakfast at tiffanys Paramount Pictures

Breakfast at Tiffany's features Mickey Rooney in yellowface performing what might be the worst hate crime against Japanese people ever committed to film. Why did they do this? Just...why?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

indiana jones monkey brains Paramount Pictures

As an action film, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom still holds up surprisingly well. The action continues to feel original and creative, even after being copycatted for decades. The portrayal of Indian and Hindu culture, on the other hand, is absurdly offensive. Essentially bastardizing foreign cultures for shock value, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom popularized long-lasting, incorrect myths such as the "Indians eat monkey brains" trope. Not cool.

Chasing Amy

chasing amy View Askew Productions

Imagine a movie coming out today in which a straight man romantically pursues an out lesbian in an attempt to "change her back" and then actually succeeds. Such a film would be unfathomable. But back in the late '90s when LGBTQ+ communities weren't nearly as visible in the public eye, Chasing Amy seemed not only plausible, but cutting edge. Unlike a lot of the other films here, Chasing Amy doesn't intend to turn marginalized people into jokes––it just fails to understand them.

Crash

crash movie Lionsgate Films

Crash was never a good movie. Crash never deserved its Best Picture Academy Award. Crash was a white director's shoddy attempt to boil down racism, race relations, and racial tensions into a simplified, melodramatic package meant for consumption by white people. Insane scenes delight in racially charged nonsense, like when a Persian shopkeeper, driven mad by racist slights, attempts to murder a Latino locksmith for no reason. Or when a racist white cop "redeems" himself by rescuing a black woman from a car crash after basically molesting her earlier in the movie. Crash was never and will never be anything better than stinky, stinky garbage. Please, throw Crash out.

Big

big movie 20th Century Fox

Big may be a fun Tom Hanks romp full of whimsy and keyboard dancing, but it's also a movie where a little kid uses magic and lies to seduce and sleep with a grown woman named Susan. Ultimately, Susan discovers the truth and watches Tom Hanks turn back into a child, after which she presumably kills herself. Seriously, this poor woman needs to live with the knowledge that her emotional maturity is on par with a twelve-year-old and that she slept with a literal child. Where does a person go from there?