Warner Bros.

I have to get something off my chest, and no, it's not my luscious, curly chest hair.

As The Mary Sue point out in this enlightening article, Marvel apparently decides to shave almost all of their male superheroes' chests. As a dude sporting a pretty shaggy torso mat myself, I can't mince words here: Marvel's behavior is abhorrent, and I won't stand for it.

Everyone who's not a chud understands that body positivity––or at the very least, body acceptance––is, well, positive. In general, our media landscape has followed suit, if perhaps a little slowly. The cinematic landscape is far more diverse today than ever before, and a lot of that diversity centers around rejecting a uniform aesthetic of what is or is not attractive. And yet, as The Mary Sue illustrated, Marvel seems hellbent on telling hairy men that their chest hair is unwanted.

But here's where things get even worse for us forest-breasted lads: It's not just Marvel sending this message of hate.

Take Jason Momoa, for instance. Here's a man with some nice chest hair. Just look at his chest hair as Khal Drogo. That's the kind of chest hair one would expect from a barbarian warlord.

Khal DrogoHBO

Now look at him in DC's Aquaman.

Aquaman ShirtlessWarner Bros.

Undoubtedly, DC made a conscious decision to shave Jason Momoa's chest hair. But why? Is it because swimmers often shave their body hair in order to glide more easily through the water?

Okay, fine. Well, then explain this. Here's Joaquin Phoenix, a handsome man with some nice chest pubix, in You Were Never Really Here.

Joaquin Phoenix ShirtlessAmazon Studios

Now, here's Joaquin Phoenix shirtless in Joker. Can you tell what's missing?

Joker ShirtlessWarner Bros.

Yeah, that's right, no chest hair. Don't even try to tell me that Arthur Fleck just randomly decided to shave his chest during a mental episode, because I don't buy that for a second. The chest shaving of The Joker is an intentional effort by DC to show us that the ideal male body does not have an ounce of pec hair.

But I don't think Marvel, DC, and whatever other hairless superpowered smut purveyors are in it alone. No, I think the rabbit hole goes deeper.

Considering the fact that we live in a capitalist hellscape, what if (and this is just a theory) superhero movies were marketing all their male heroes as bare-chested in an attempt to sell razors? What if the true mastermind behind all these no-chest hair superheroes was Gillette?

Okay, I know that's crazy. It's not like there's…

Marvel GilletteGillette


DC Comics GilletteGillette

Oh boy. This is it. Not only has Gillette collaborated with both Marvel and DC on superhero-themed razors, but they also started #TheBestASuperHeroCanGet campaign in what can only be summed up as a hate crime against voluminously stranded men.

If we men take any pride in the strands around our nips, we cannot let this stand. No longer will we let Gillette and their cabal of superhero capitalists tell us that the only male beauty is the hairless kind. We must rise up and throw our razors in the trash. We must pinch our bountiful locks in our fingers and shout, "I'm a hairy man, and that makes me beautiful." Then, at last, we must throw our superhero Blu-rays in the trash. #HairyANDSuper


Aquaman, the latest movie from the DC universe, will splash into theatres on December 21st. Reviews for the big-budget superhero flick include, "a complete bellyflop," "Aquaman Stinks Like Last Month's Fish," and "Oceanic DC superhero epic will float your boat." So far, only two things are clear: this film is really bad and journalists can't resist an easy water-related pun. We don't care about either point. If we're being honest with ourselves, Aquaman was never going to be a piece of cinematic art. We bought presale tickets hoping the movie would be a two-hour long wet t-shirt contest feat. Jason Momoa's pecs. We want some flowing wet hair, some real tight merman leggings, and at least a cumulative half-hour of intense, furrowed eyebrows. If at any point he wrestles or befriends a shark whilst shirtless, we're ready to declare Aquaman the best movie ever made.

Below is our comprehensive, analytical, plot-based list of the reasons we'll be first in line to see DC's Aquaman.

Aquaman - Official Trailer 1 - Now Playing In Theaterswww.youtube.com

Those blonde tips, those "I better never get an old man body cause these really won't age well" tattoos, that SMIRK. Oh my Poseidon.

YES! We like our men moist. We like them unreasonably muscular. We like them appearing to making a plumbing disaster significantly worse!

Those arm fins can't possibly be conducive to faster swimming but look at that SNARL!

Is this movie just Khal Drogo taking a shower and gazing at the camera menacingly for 2 hours? Can someone make that movie?

Yes, outfit change. Yes, genius hot dog roasting device. Yes, colored contacts.

We're changing our official Popdust Instagram handle to "Jason Momoa's Eyebrow Scar.".

Does it look like he got that necklace at the natural history museum gift shop? Yes. Is he pulling it off? Yes. We don't blame that shark for wanting to take a bite.

Well, folks, the reviews are in. We haven't seen Aquaman yet, but we're pretty sure it's this generation's Citizen Kane.

Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn-based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her Twitter @BrookeIJohnson.

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