An Article That Presages the Collapse of Civilization
Picture this: It's midnight on November 1st, and suddenly wormholes open up across the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the super-powered men of Marvel are slurped off to Sakaar, the trash-planet from Thor: Ragnarok.
The Grandmaster, a.k.a. Jeff Goldblum, has a sadistic task for them. They can return to their usual lives, but they may not succumb to temptations of the flesh for one month, or they will be instantly transported to his stadium to fight to the death as gladiators. In other words, they are now participating in No Nut November…and Jeff Goldblum has already been disqualified.
He actually lasted longer than we expected...
Who will succeed? Who will face the trials of the stadium? Could Thanos snap and cause everyone to nut at once? Truly, these are questions for the ages, and probably already the plot of one of the 300 marvel movies currently in production. Let's get into it.
Winner: Doctor Strange
Doctor Strange has perfect, mystical control of his body. He can probably achieve the salutary effects of climax through meditation (or some far-more-elaborate-than-the-usual hand gestures), without any of the mess. If the No-Nut judges don't rule this as cheating, Doctor Strange should be in the clear.
Hulk is functionally asexual. His rage, much like the rage of confused young men around the world, is closely tied to his lack of sexual self-awareness and the resulting inability to achieve release. But the calm and collected Banner-Hulk Hybrid introduced in Endgame is clearly on a very well-balanced, once-every-48-hour nut-schedule. He could last all month if isolated, but he would begin to lose his composure around day four, and he would quickly become a full-blown, monosyllabic monster, until forced to watch some giantess p*rn and imagine being stepped on by a 50-foot woman.
Peter Parker is a teenage boy. Enough said…except that I have so much more to say. Spider-man has always been a metaphor for puberty: the sudden transformation, the obsessive sexual tension of his will-they/won't they romances, as well as certain aspects of his powers. For instance: Have you ever wondered where his web-fluid comes from?
In various iterations, he just magically produces it from his wrists (huh?), or he magically knows how to chemically synthesize it from materials that are readily available in a high school chemistry lab (hmm…). Both of these explanations raise more questions than they answer. What precedent is there for any kind of protein to be extruded through the wrists? And what are the odds of the kid who is randomly bitten by a radioactive spider also achieving a generational breakthrough in materials science?
Maybe Peter is clever enough to tweak and perfect his web-fluid in the lab, but there must be an initial anatomical source for the web-fluid that is adapted from existing structures, which preferably ties into Spider-man's metaphorical puberty framework...some kind of sticky, protein-rich fluid that a pubescent boy would have particular access to...in other words, Peter Parker is giving in to his "peter-tingle" with enough regularity to sling web all over New York City. With those habits, it's hard to imagine him lasting past lunchtime on November 1st.
Winner: Captain America
He's so disappointed in you
Steve Rogers tried pleasuring himself once, in 1941, and has never quite gotten over the shame. The hardest thing about No Nut November would be coming to grips with how much the rest of the world is "coming to grips" around him.
Hawkeye would lose within the first hour, cry-stroking to his own reflection and grunting out "Heaven don't have a name," at the moment of climax.
Winner: Iron Man
Tony Stark is a notorious womanizer and horndog, but he's also a scientific genius with addictive tendencies. He undoubtedly knows the specific combination of drugs to perfectly suppress his sex drive, and he'd probably channel all that extra energy into new technological breakthroughs. As long as he could maintain the right chemical balance, the world would probably be better off with a celibate Tony Stark.
Skip the hammer puns. Let's get to the real question: Do gods play with themselves? Early in his MCU arc, it would have seemed quite out-of-character for Thor to even be aware of such a mortal pastime, but the depressed Thor of Endgame introduced a whole realm of very human hedonism. Thor would either last the whole month without much thought, or he'd give in to defeatism on day one and crank out a thundery one just to get it over with.
It's still unclear how gods' sexuality functions, but it's hard to imagine a No-Nut scenario in which Loki is not spending all his time tempting and seducing the other characters with sexy illusions. F*cking with people is how he figuratively gets off, and if he fails to last the whole month without getting off literally, it will no doubt be incidental to some sort of Shakespearean bed-trick whereby he's disguised as someone else and returns to himself mid-O face.
Winner: Black Panther
T'Challa is noteworthy for his restraint and self-control. While his romantic life doesn't seem to be lacking in passion, he has been raised to be a level-headed leader and diplomat and would probably have no problem tamping down his impulses for a month, maybe by hanging out with the spooky dead guys on the ancestral-plane. That place seems like a definite boner-killer.
Loser: Star Lord
Peter Quill has vintage tastes. He most likely isn't aware of the perverse wonders of the Internet, but he may still recall an issue of playboy he found in the woods when he was 10. Whatever old school material he has stored in his spank bank is no doubt well-worn, but not nearly as potent as the specialty material at our fingertips today. He can probably last at least a week, but the full month seems like a stretch.
Scott Lang has spent time in prison, which more or less guarantees that he is well-acquainted with a handheld remedy for boredom. Fortunately, he also has access to the dangerous and unpredictable Quantum Realm, where time can pass at a hyper-accelerated rate. He may choose to spend the month risking his life there, rather than face a full month of abstaining.
And now that we've reached the end of this article...we should probably all re-examine the life choices that brought us here.
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One Texas couple became a meme after they went 18 minutes without shredded cheese on their fajitas. What could be worse?
Karens. Even if you don't know them by name, you know who they are.
Karens have been asking to speak to managers all over American suburbia ever since Kate Gosselin debuted her infamous reverse-mullet on Jon and Kate Plus 8 in 2007. "Karens"—the collective nickname for middle-aged entitled white women who love nothing more than being pains in your ass—have been walking among us for quite some time, but as shelter-in-place orders and mask mandates have taken over the world, the presence of Karens has become even more apparent.
Last weekend, a Karen went viral in a since-deleted Tweet for a reason only Karens would empathize with. Jason Vicknair, a 40-year-old man from Allen, Texas, was just trying to enjoy his first date night out in three months with his wife at a Tex-Mex restaurant called Mi Cocina. Things took a turn for the worse.
Renner's ex has alleged that what lies beneath the actor's mystique is far uglier than his face.
Remember how good Jeremy Renner was in Hurt Locker?
2008 was arguably the best version of Renner the world has ever seen. Then, after being nominated for an Oscar and receiving a slew of other accolades for that performance he followed up with a Golden Globe-nominated performance in 2010's The Town. Yes, he relentlessly made Hawkeye the lamest Avenger by far in Marvel's world-dominating franchise, but his compelling performance in David O. Russell's American Hustle almost made up for the abomination that is Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013). And forget America's rude awakening that "ugly hot" actors are appealing; Renner made us question if "sexy ugly" is a thing.
Unfortunately, Renner's ex has alleged that what lays beneath the actor's mystique is far uglier than his face. Sonni Pacheco, 28, has filed court documents stating that Renner, 48, attempted to kill her in 2018. The two divorced in 2014 after a 10-month marriage. Their deeply contentious custody battle over their now 6–year-old daughter, Ava, has led the couple to publicly defame each other to their friends, in the press, and in court. Pacheco claims that Renner suffers from drug addiction and mental instability. In particular, she recounted a night in November when Renner was allegedly drunk and high on cocaine, telling people he "could not deal with her [Pacheco] anymore, and he just wanted her gone." She claims that a nanny overheard Renner say he planned to kill Pacheco in her own home before killing himself, because "it was better that Ava had no parents than to have [Sonni] as a mother." The court documents also describe Renner putting a gun in his mouth and threatening to kill himself, leaving cocaine within reach of their daughter, verbally and emotionally abusing Pacheco, and firing a gun into the ceiling.
In response, Renner denied all claims, countering that Pacheco is the one with addiction and emotional issues, including an "obsession with sex" that shows itself in Pacheco's artwork. He expressed concerns about his daughter's well-being if she were to be exposed to "such dark, graphic, sexual material on a daily basis." In addition to wanting Pacheco to "overcome her overwhelming obsession with demonizing" Renner, he claims his ex-wife would brag to her friends that she'd "bagged an Avenger." Renner paints a picture of a woman obsessed with fame and material gain, pointing to her jokes about introducing her friends to fellow Avenger cast members so they could "bag an Avenger, as well."
Renner's PR team released a toned down response in an official statement: "The well-being of his daughter Ava has always been and continues to be the primary focus for Jeremy. This is a matter for the court to decide. It's important to note the dramatizations made in Sonni's declaration are a one-sided account made with a specific goal in mind."
Custody battles are sad, turbulent, sometimes traumatic—and, above all, private. Nonetheless, it's not uncommon for celebrity splits to exploit public image and defamation of character to sway court decisions. Renner and Pacheco continue to lodge allegations at each other in court documents, including Renner's claim that Pacheco sent explicit photographs of him to their custody evaluator in order to cause him "extreme embarrassment."
Clearly, 2019 hasn't been a good year for Jeremy Renner. As The New York Times pointed out in "The Rise and Fall of the Jeremy Renner App, Which Was a Real Thing," the most bizarre aspect of the actor's app was that people used it at all. The Ringer observed in 2017, "Within the confines of the Jeremy Renner app, it looks like a digital utopia, a cocoon of Renner love and inspirational quotes. But elsewhere on social media, a small but very vocal group of impassioned fans has posted fierce accusations of censorship and contest-rigging." After comedian Stefan Heck realized that the app could easily be manipulated by any user to make their comments appear as if Renner himself was posting them (or any celebrity, for that matter), Renner was forced to shut it down with the last post, "The app has jumped the shark. Literally."
How could 2019 get any lower for Renner? Have you heard his recent album? Have you seen one of Jeep's weird commercials featuring his original songs? Did you know Jeremy Renner voice acted as a husky named Swifty who works in the mailroom of a dog delivery service in the upcoming animated feature Arctic Dogs?
If you were unaware, Renner's "Heaven Don't Have a Name" has been described as "Imagine Dragons except somehow worse" and "quite possibly the worst song of 2019." Fortunately, Arctic Dogs is set for release on November 1. Get your tickets now!
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