There's nothing to be afraid of...
Always wondered what Drake's dick is like? Yep, me neither…
But, for those who HAVE pondered the matter—here's everything you always wanted to know about Drake's dick (but were afraid to ask).
Now, trouble is—as is often the case—there's some conflicting information out there in cyberspace… but, you can be the jury, examine the evidence set before you and come to your own conclusion.
MediaTakeOut posted a wondrous piece yesterday, titled “GROUPIE TALES: Popular INSTAGRAM THOTTIE Spills The Tea… On What Makes Rapper Drake GO WILD IN BED!!! (Warning — VERY Graphic Content)
And although I have no idea quite what a “thottie" is, or what tea has to do with anything, they are spot on about the “VERY Graphic Content" part.
So, consider yourself warned and proceed at your own risk.
The post claims to be written by a groupie, and she recounts her alleged night of passion with the 27-year-old in terrifying, lurid detail.
The anonymous groupie says she was taken back to Drake's Calabasas mansion…. and....so the story starts (and it reads like some of the best, worst fan fiction ever.)
"He then laid on his back and was like 'My Turn.' MTO I was ready to suck the OXYGEN outta him and I did. After a few minutes he started pushing my head down, towards his b*lls. I sucked on them for a while and he pushed me down FURTHER to his butt hole. I never did that before, but it was Drake do I'm not gonna lie I did it.
"It was weird eating a man's butt like that, but I'm a freak, and it was Drake LOL. He was laying there on the bed with his leg spread open and my face in his butt and his legs shaking."
OK… well, whatever floats your boat mate. But, let's get down the real matter at hand (so to speak).... Drake's dick.
"His d*ck is not really big, but it's THICK."
Sounds believable enough right? Not so though, at least according to an anonymous MTO commenter who also claims to have carnal knowledge of the rapper.
"BTW Drake's dikk is not thick, I've seen it, It kinda comes to a point. He has a weird dikk. Maybe it's cuz of how he was circumcised since he's jewish. He's still sexy tho."
So… who the hell are we to believe?
How about the great man himself? What does HE have to say about his dick?
Well, according to him, he has a “good dick" and he rapped about it in his We Made It freestyle a few months back.
But then, hey, he WOULD say that… wouldn't he?
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Jared Leto- so handsome, such a great singer, such a talented actor, so humble, and SUCH a gentleman!
I had the dubious pleasure of spending an afternoon at Leto’s Hollywood Hills home a while back—he even put the moves on me—and Popdust has the sorry, sorry tale.
It was a barbecue/pool party, populated with mostly young teenage girls, and rather strangely, young teenage boys.
Sure there was the occasional twenty something sprinkled in, but other than that it just as easily could have been a McKinley high school kegger.
Jared held court, of course, entertaining his guests in a tour de force of celebrity narcissism.
As he manned the vegan hot dogs, he launched into a Tom Cruise impression, morphing his features into an uncanny clone.
"You complete me."
"Oh! Jared," the orgasmic—high pitched— shrieks poured fourth. "You're so AMAZING!"
Next he moved on to his impression of a horny red neck, plucking one of the few twenty somethings from the crowd, tossing her over his knee and grabbing handfuls of her boobs and butt while she squealed and giggled.
"Girly, you best milk them cows if you want supper," he said (no word of a lie), mock chewing on tobaccy.
Then a strange trance fell over his disciples, and they crumpled to their knees in rapid succession and bowed toward their messiah.
Okay, that last bit didn't really happen.
But this did.
Hankering for a vegan dog, I approached Jared as he handled his wieners.
As I started my request, he interjected, "You got that whole MILF thing going on." (I was 26)
"How'd ya like to screaming eagle my friend and me? He's 17. You see him? He's in the pool."
"Yeah. We stand on either side of you while you blow us both. Like this."
Then he acted it out- holding his fists at either side of his face and rotating his head, mouth agape, and made a screaming sound.
I called my friend to pick me up.
Gee, I sure hope he wins that Oscar.