Culture Feature

Late Capitalism Diaries: All the Best Fake COVID Cures

There is no cure for the coronavirus, but these people still think you should give them money.

If there's one thing that can save us from a global pandemic, it's capitalism.

Maybe you think that a sense of shared humanity uniting us in collective action—with those least at risk looking out for the most vulnerable—would be a better approach than embracing greed and short-term profit. But you're wrong.

Capitalism teaches us that money is the only thing that's real and the only solution to every problem. So when people are desperate and afraid because a deadly and wildly contagious virus is killing hundreds of thousands and ravaging the global economy, what they really need is someone to give their last few dollars to.

Thankfully, the ancient, venerated tradition of the snake oil salesman is alive and well, and the following good Samaritans are more than happy to strip confused and struggling people of every last dime in exchange for "cures" that primarily treat the problem of having too many dimes.

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Culture Feature

Late Capitalism Diaries: Doritos Locos Tacos, Girl Scout Cookies, and the Horror of Brand Collabs

Brand collaborations move us one step closer to the erasure of all culture

Today the world is celebrating the fact that Girl Scout Cookies are being sold online and Taco bell is giving out free Doritos Locos Tacos for Taco Tuesday.

It makes sense to celebrate. Free food is a blessing at any time, and more so now—amid unprecedented layoffs and financial uncertainty. Likewise, the convenience of an exclusive seasonal snack now being delivered to your door will be a welcome comfort to many people who are stuck inside under quarantine—and no one will need to be coerced by a small child into buying more than they actually want. But what many people may not have realized was that there was already a way to order your Thin Mints online—as long as you could stomach the idea of eating them in a bowl of milk.

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CULTURE

Late Capitalism Diaries: Disney Owns Your Life

Among the Disney Corporations latest acquisitions are all your private hopes and dreams

From that moment, as an infant, you are laid upon a Minnie Mouse Buddy Blanket to absorb the sights and sounds of Bambi blasting at you from your family TV, your life belongs to Disney.

Swaddled in your Dumbo onesie, drinking from a Tigger bottle, and squeezing a Simba Cuddleez plush, you are innocent of the world's woes, and with the help of Walt Disney's Imagineers, you can remain that way until your dying breath.

Obviously the infinite expansion of Disney's media empire has stunned the whole world in recent years—with Star Wars, Marvel, and Fox all being subsumed by the undying hunger of Walt's frozen zombie head. But you don't just have to limit yourself to watching Disney movies and TV Shows in theaters, on dedicated Television networks, and on the Disney+ streaming service.

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