CULTURE

What Else Would Donald Trump Sharpie? #Sharpiegate

Twitter users jumped into action after Donald Trump promoted a sharpied forecast map of Hurricane Dorian.

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Imagine if you had a massive following on Twitter (maybe because, hypothetically, you were the president of the United States or something), and you tweeted something scientifically inaccurate that had the potential to negatively affect thousands of people's lives.

Let's say, for example, that you thought a hurricane was going to hit a state that it was not in danger of hitting, despite there being no evidence to back you up.

Again, purely hypothetically, what if that state's National Weather Service (for argument's sake, we'll pretend it's Alabama) responded like, "Nah dawg."

If it were you, a sane, rational person who does not have a personality disorder, you would most likely say, "Whoops, my bad, I stand corrected. Here is the accurate information." Too bad you're not the president. Because if you were Donald Trump, you would double down. Hard.

Trump Dorian Jonathan Ernst/Reuters

See, Donald Trump couldn't accept the fact that he was wrong about the chance of Hurricane Dorian hitting Alabama. So he broke out an outdated National Hurricane Center forecast from nearly a week prior (that still did not show the storm hitting Alabama) and altered it with a sharpie. See that extended black circle around Alabama? Yeah. That's literally sharpie.

While some have noted that it may be illegal to alter official weather maps, mainly this is just proof that we are currently living in the stupidest version of reality.

Now, #TrumpSharpie and #Sharpiegate are trending on Twitter, and people are imagining all the other things Donald Trump could prove with a sharpie. It's magical.

For instance, here's Trump's proof that the US army really did take over British airports during the Revolutionary War in the late 1700s.

Here's Trump's proof that he really does have bigly hands.

Here's Trump's most recent hole-in-one from his daily tax payer-funded presidential golf outing.

And here's a candid shot of Trump on the course looking like an absolute unit, as usual.

Here's some solid evidence that Trump actually destroyed Hillary in the popular vote.

And here's how Trump is polling incredibly well against every possible Democrat nominee for 2020.

Turns out Trump wasn't lying about his crowd sizes, either!

Trump also officially completed the border wall. This is a fact, with photo receipts.

Trump never knew dead pedo-trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, either. He never even met the guy once.

Lesson learned. If you want to be president, just lie about stuff and then draw sharpie pictures as evidence. Too easy!

Oh, and someone did this. It's not like the rest, because Donald Trump would never actually sharpie it. But oh man, it's just so good.

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Alex Jones Crashed a Marco Rubio Interview

This is Just What America is Now. Get Over It.

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If you don't spend 6-8 hours a day online, it's entirely possible that you, like Senator Marco Rubio, haven't heard of Alex Jones or Info Wars.

This is Alex Jones on his show InfoWars:

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He's famous for taking his shirt off (a lot), yelling in a voice that's somewhere between Father Coughlin's and Dave Grohl's, and waxing poetic about the government "putting chemicals in the water that turn the freakin' frogs gay." If for some reason you want more information, here's Super Deluxe's indie folk remix of his most conspiratorial rantings:

Anyway, earlier today, the Internet's favorite maniac took time out of his busy schedule of hawking useless dietary supplements and getting kicked off of Facebook and YouTube for being too racist to hijack an interview session Marco Rubio was having with the press. Jones came in shouting about how he's being persecuted and silenced by "big tech companies" and that these companies are "purging conservatives" from their (the tech companies') websites.

Rubio tried to respond calmly, but Jones pressed on shouting over the other reporters and insisting that his freedoms were being assaulted. Unable to ignore the shouting, foaming blob-man any longer, Rubio turned and said, "Listen man, I just don't know who you are." This was a critical error. As any city-dweller knows, if an insane person is shouting at you on the street, you never engage. This is one of the few instances in which ignoring the problem makes it go away.

Alex Jones responded with more vitriol, claiming Rubio was just pretending not to know about InfoWars. The climax of the interaction occurred after Jones called Rubio a "little frat boy" and placed his hand on his shoulder, at which point a secret service agent told Jones to step back. Jones, acting stunned, asked if Rubio was going to "get [him] arrested." Rubio responded point blank, "You're not going to get arrested. I'll take care of it myself."

As an increasingly annoyed-looking newswoman tried to ask Rubio questions about online regulation, Jones continued to hound everyone who would listen, blabbering about how "the Democrats are raping the Republicans [and] raping InfoWars." No one thought to ask him what this means. Eventually, Rubio walked away from the press briefing, saying "we gotta go to the committee, you guys can talk to this clown."

In the end, we're left with more questions than answers. Here are a few of them:

-Is Alex Jones insane?

-Does Alex Jones have a parasite eating the inside of his brain?

-Is it contagious?

-Is it from space?

-When he touched Marco Rubio, did he infect him with said parasite?

-Is Congress in danger of being infected with space parasites?

-Is this the end of America as we know it?

Matt Clibanoff is a writer and editor based in New York City who covers music, politics, sports and pop culture. His editorial work can be found in Inked Magazine, Pop Dust, The Liberty Project, and All Things Go. His fiction has been published in Forth Magazine. -- Find Matt at his website and on Twitter: @mattclibanoff

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Marco Rubio Really Wants A Beer With Malala Yousafzai (A Muslim Teenager)

Ah, Marco Rubio!

The Junior United States Senator is just the gift that keeps on giving….. like Herpes, but even harder to shake off.

Rubio truly earned his Florida stripes and showcased his ignorance, all in one go, during a Q & A session for “young professionals” at St. Anselm College in New Hampshire—Popdust has all the glorious details.

Drunk Old Guy Mistakes Mindy Kaling For Malala Yousafzai

The 44-year-old went all Palin-esque on us today, after being asked “Who would you like to have a beer with who is not a politician?”

After pausing for just a beat, to adequately the ponder the question at hand, Rubio had no hesitation when it came to his choice of the perfect drinking buddy.

A teenage Muslim girl, of course!

“Malala Yousafzai,” Rubio replied.

You couldn’t make this shit up.

This Ben Carson Rap Ad Is Some Of The Craziest Shit You’ll Ever Hear

Who better to booze it up with than someone who is legally not able, and let's not forget, religiously adverse, to imbibing alcohol?

Not to mention, what the fuck does he think they would talk about?!!

Malala is an amazing inspiration to us all, she urges everyone to be accepting of others, to love thy neighbor, she deplores violence and oppression, hates bigotry and misogyny, is an outspoken advocate for women’s rights, espouses the importance of education for all, she has courage and backbone, moral fortitude and a never ending supply of love, empathy and compassion, she stands up for what she believes in and truly walks the walk—fuck, this kid had acid thrown in her face by the Taliban for speaking out against them…. she was awarded the freakin’ Nobel Peace Prize!!!!

Wiz Khalifa Has Been Enshrined in the Congressional Record as a “Modern-Day Poet”

Marco? Not so much.

Rubio is a tea party wet dream, a mouthpiece for comprehensive immigration reform and kicking out illegal immigrants, despite both of his Cuban-born parents being illegal immigrants themselves in the U.S. at the time of his birth, he’s vehemently pro-death penalty, he’s all about increasing the military and bombing, bombing, bombing, very pro-war and anti-diplomacy, he wants to muscle in and get all up in the grill of Iran, Russia and North Korea, he’s anti-gay marriage, he’s anti-women’s right to choose—even in cases of rape and incest, he’s pro guns, he’s anti-Obama care and wants to de-fund Medicare, he voted AGAINST re-authorizing the Violence Against Women Act!!!!

What we wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall during that drinking session.

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Wiz Khalifa Has Been Enshrined in the Congressional Record as a "Modern-Day Poet"

We owe Wiz Khalifa an apology.

When Forbes called 2013 the year of Wiz Khalifa back in January, we laughed. We mocked. We said that Khalifa had "something decidedly B-List about him."

Well, Forbes apparently knew something we didn't: Khalifa has been officially enshrined in the Congressional record as "a modern-day poet" so basically he wins, we lose, and we know to never make any predictions about anything ever again.

Why was an elected representative speaking so highly of the Pittsburgh pot enthusiast in the first place? It all comes back to last night's historic filibuster, in which Kentucky senator Rand Paul (the guy with the brown hair and red tie in the video below) threatened to keep talking until the Obama administration answered questions about the use of drones to kill Americans on US soil. To give Paul periodic breaks, other Republican senators periodically took the floor to "question" him with lengthy, digressive asides. When it came time for Marco Rubio (black hair, striped tie) to ask a question, the GOP's no. 1 hip-hop fan chose to pepper his speech with references to his favorite rappers—a list which apparently includes Wiz Khalifa. (This is not surprising. Marco Rubio has horrible taste in rap.)

Let me begin by quoting a modern-day poet, his name is Wiz Khalifa, he has a song called "Work Hard, Play Hard." If you look at the time, it's a time when many of our colleagues expected to be at home, back in the home state, playing hard. But I'm happy that we're here still working hard on this issue.

Does that all make sense to you? If it doesn't, you can still enjoy the video below. It's not every day a star of Mac and Devin Go to High School gets name-checked in the Senate floor:

[Global Grind]