Nintendo

Mario Kart Tour, the new mobile app for iPhone, iPad, and Android, has only been out for a couple hours, but the best player in the world has already emerged, and it's me. I'm the best. What up?

Nintendo really throws you off the deep end with this one. Right after I'd barely figured out the wonky touch controls in the tutorial, the game pitted me against seven other real people. At first I was scared. How could I possibly compete against so many other people when I barely even knew how to play? But then a miracle happened. I absolutely f*cking roasted them.

I thought it was a fluke. But then I played another match against seven more real people, also playing on their phones all across the world, and I forced them to feast on my fumes. Suddenly, I came to the realization that I was a Mario Kart Tour master: a prodigy of sorts. My next match confirmed it. I'm the God of Mario Kart mobile.

Mario Kart Tour Nintendo


I don't know what these other clowns are doing, but I've raced three whole times so far and obliterated all of my opponents. I'm talking first place in New York Minute and first place in Cheep Cheep Lagoon. Can you guess how I ranked in Mario Circuit 1? That's right: first place. Three for three. Eat my dust, Thotsweeper.

Quick aside, though: "Thotsweeper" is a pretty edgy name to use in a Nintendo game. Imagine if Multiplayer wasn't live yet, and "Thotsweeper" was a CPU name Nintendo came up with to trick players into feeling like they were playing against real people. That would be next level.

Luckily, all these losers I beat are definitely real people, because there's no chance Nintendo would generate a bunch of innocuous names like "Ocean77" and "Nico" but then just have one Toadette CPU named "Thotsweeper." Like, does Nintendo even realize what "Thotsweeper" means?

"Thot" is a slang term for a promiscuous woman. So a "Thotsweeper," presumably, would be someone who either sleeps with many thots or maybe literally sweeps up thots? I'm not sure which, but I am sure that Nintendo wouldn't just make up a name like that and put it in their all-ages Mario Kart mobile game just to convince people that they're playing against real people instead of CPUs.

In other words, I'm positive that I'm the single best Mario Kart Tour player currently on the circuit. I can't wait to meet some of you on the track and show you who's boss. It's me. I'm the boss. Just try to keep up.