As more people lock into necessary self-isolation, people are developing new identities outside of the realms of their ordinary realities. Different groups of quarantined folks are emerging as we settle into this new normal. Which one are you?

1. The vampire

Your daily sleep schedule is around 5 AM to 2 PM. You're no longer a person; you're a creature of the night. You haven't put on jeans or seen the morning sun in weeks. 2 AM is when you come alive, and the sunrise is your best friend.

2. The organizer

You have eight mutual aid docs and seven community slacks open on your computer at all times. You just got back from dropping groceries at your neighbor's door and are vigorously washing your hands in preparation for a group Zoom call about the upcoming rent strike.

3. The self-care wizard

You know that quarantine is a time for self-improvement and you're set out to manifest it. When you're not making Instagram graphics about your morning routine or meditating, you're teaching $40 Zoom seminars about manifesting your best life and burning sage to cleanse out the pathogens.

4. The livestreamer

You're a musician, artist, or jokester who can't deal with letting your art go unseen by the world for more than a few minutes. Your livestream has quietly become your life, filling the void that the stage lights used to. Who are you outside of the glow of others' attention? You don't want to know.

5. The screen-timer

When you're not playing Animal Crossing, you're watching and tweeting about Netflix's Tiger King. Your screen time has tripled since you started quarantine, and now you feel that you're more real online than in the real world. You just started a TikTok channel for kicks and spend hours each evening taking screencaps from sh*tposting groups about how horny you are and posting them on your Instagram story, but really you're just happy to have unlimited, 24/7, judgment-free access to your video games. When the data wars come, you'll be the hottest commodity, because your entire identity has been spread around the Internet; but for now, you're in glassy-eyed heaven.

Tiger King Secrets That Will Leave You Speechless www.youtube.com


6. The doomsayer

You obsessively read The New York Times and relay ominous facts to unsuspecting family members and coworkers on group Zoom calls. You have read every single coronavirus story ever published and only want everyone to understand the pure hopelessness that you feel. When you're not reading the Times, you're reading the Post, and when you're not reading that you're reading Trump's Twitter feed. You're a masochist through and through, but… at least you're informed?

7. The hermit

You're not happy about the virus, but you're more than fine with the opportunity to stay inside. At the time of the apocalypse, you won't notice because you'll be indoors, in the dark. Away from people. Like you always wanted. Eventually, someone will find you in your moss-covered cabin and will try to ask you about the secrets of the universe; but, until then, you can relish the sweet sound of silence.

8. The prophet

You know that now is the time that the world has been waiting for, and you are ready to self-actualize and emerge as the leader of the post-virus realm. When you're not reading your own books over livestream, you're preparing your cult manifesto and waiting for the right moment to share the revelations you've always known with the wider world. You've taken to growing out your beard and wearing long flowing robes.

9. The chef

You are pouring your life into cooking. Chopping onions is your therapy and mangoes contain the truth of the universe.

10. The alcoholic

You're just like the chef, except alcohol (or perhaps coffee) has become the meaning of life. Day drinking? A go. Night-drinking? Also a go. Liquor stores are essential businesses, right?

11. The hoarder

You were the one who stole all the toilet paper from your local grocery store in the early days of panic, but you didn't stop there. You waited until the store restocked, then you sprang. You're on your way to your bunker right now, your truck filled up with only toilet paper.

12. The person who actually has sh*t to deal with

Maybe you're a healthcare worker or a grocery store clerk. Maybe you're sick or have to take care of kids. Maybe you can't pay your rent because the government in the richest country in the world won't pay for it, even though you've been calling to ask for a rent freeze for weeks. Either way, we are sorry, you deserve better, and you are the true heroes of this scenario—which is not going to become an apocalypse, but which has asked so much of you.

Culture Feature

​​This Haunts Me: The Shredded Cheese Wife Guy

One Texas couple became a meme after they went 18 minutes without shredded cheese on their fajitas. What could be worse?

Courtesy of Junkee

Karens. Even if you don't know them by name, you know who they are.

Karens have been asking to speak to managers all over American suburbia ever since Kate Gosselin debuted her infamous reverse-mullet on Jon and Kate Plus 8 in 2007. "Karens"—the collective nickname for middle-aged entitled white women who love nothing more than being pains in your ass—have been walking among us for quite some time, but as shelter-in-place orders and mask mandates have taken over the world, the presence of Karens has become even more apparent.

Last weekend, a Karen went viral in a since-deleted Tweet for a reason only Karens would empathize with. Jason Vicknair, a 40-year-old man from Allen, Texas, was just trying to enjoy his first date night out in three months with his wife at a Tex-Mex restaurant called Mi Cocina. Things took a turn for the worse.

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Culture News

Harvey Weinstein Reportedly Tested Positive for Coronavirus

The movie producer is currently serving a 23-year prison sentence for rape and sexual assault, and karma is running its course.

Don't get me wrong: The coronavirus is very, very bad.

I would never be so callous as to suggest that COVID-19 isn't terrifying and disastrous and won't leave a long-lasting negative impact on the world. But one of the rituals that has helped me cope in my two weeks of social distancing—besides movie marathons and learning TikTok dances—is trying to find the tiniest silver lining. That silver lining is, of course, when very bad people test positive for the potentially fatal coronavirus.

The Niagara Gazette reports that Harvey Weinstein, the now infamous movie producer who's currently serving a 23-year prison sentence for rape and sexual assault, has tested positive for coronavirus. Weinstein, who is essentially responsible for initiating the #MeToo movement as we know it, is one of two inmates who tested positive at Wende Correctional Facility in Western New York, where 68-year-old Weinstein is being isolated. Previously, Weinstein was being held at Rikers Island, a correctional facility in New York City where multiple people have tested positive for the virus.

"There is no better breeding ground for this virus than a closed environment such as a correctional facility," Michael Powers, president of the New York State Correctional Officers and Police Benevolent Association, told the Gazette. He couldn't comment on Weinstein's situation in particular, but it doesn't seem like Weinstein is faring well. Bummer!

As the coronavirus has spread throughout the United States, correctional facilities have faced pressure to release inmates in hopes of curbing the virus' spread. New York, Texas, California, and many other states have released inmates convicted of lower-level crimes, as well those who are elderly or appear sick. It would probably be best for the greater good, however, if Weinstein was kept in prison and was never allowed to interact with anyone else ever again. I'm not saying I hope Weinstein dies an unpleasant death of COVID-19 whilst wasting away in prison, but maybe karma exists after all.