Satire

Disney's Live-Action "Peter Pan" Will Be Great Because Animation Is for Babies

Animation is lame and live-action is awesome.

Peter Pan & Wendy | Official Trailer | Disney+

Everybody loves Disney live-action remakes.

In a world plagued by racism, disease, and a seemingly endless bounty of spiraling misfortune, at least we can all agree that Disney knocks it out of the park every time they dredge up an old, animated movie for a live-action makeover because cartoons are for babies.

Sure, some of us thought the original Beauty and the Beast was fine, but could lame, 2D Belle ever hold a candle to 3D Emma Watson? And yeah, the original Lion King was okay, I guess, but there's nobody in the world who preferred cartoon Scar's rendition of "Be Prepared" to the incredible feat of getting a real lion to sing it in the live-action remake.

Being a Disney fan can be hard sometimes, as you have fond memories of beloved childhood movies but also don't want people to make fun of you for liking cartoons. That's why, out of all the corporations in the world, Disney is undoubtedly the most selfless, willing to spend hundreds of billions of dollars to bring their old, outdated movies into the modern age—all for the fans.

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Peter Pan, Disney

Disney's new streaming service, Disney+, premiered on Tuesday to universal complaints.

The system is buggy, it crops out jokes on The Simpsons, and it essentially killed off the Netflix Marvel series. But considering the constant commentary on trigger warnings and the very predictable uproar from a segment of white men whenever a woman or a person of color is placed in a role that could have been given to someone less "political," it's a wonder that there hasn't been more of a backlash against Disney's new content warning.

Along with the usual warnings where sexual themes and violence are concerned, certain Disney movies have been officially labeled as even more racist than others. Pocahontas, for instance, has missed this distinction by tapping into relatively benign "noble savage" stereotypes, rather than playing into grotesque caricatures of inhuman otherness in its depiction of non-white characters. Peter Pan, on the other hand, was not so lucky. It joined the list of movies containing "cultural depictions" so "outdated" that they need a special warning so thoughtful parents can shield their kids from that particular brain-poison (while exposing them to a host of others).

Disney's "Peter Pan" - What Makes the Red Man Red?www.youtube.com

Other movies have earned this recognition include Lady and the Tramp, Dumbo, The Jungle Book, and Fantasia. Some have argued that referring to these wildly dehumanizing portrayals of non-white people (or, tellingly, animals standing in for non-white people) as simply "outdated" places the blame on the era in which they were produced, without taking any responsibility for the impact of producing and distributing such harmful iconography. After all, if Disney is willing to wage an endless fight to maintain their exclusive rights to Mickey Mouse—and for the subsequent deprivation of the public domain—shouldn't they likewise be held accountable for the indefensible content in much of their IP? If the blame doesn't belong solely to them, then why does the profit?

"Jim Crow"in DumboDumbo, Disney

It's a compelling argument, but it overlooks an important point. Namely, Disney is right about the eras that produced such offensive trash. Their movies have always tapped into the zeitgeist—the lowest common denominator of ideas. And for the entire history of "Western Civilization," those ideas have been horribly racist (as well as homophobic, misogynistic, and culturally chauvinistic). Colonialism is the foundation of "Western Civilization." The looting and subjugation of other peoples and their lands have made it possible for the Western world to flourish. The United States, for instance, was "settled" on top of an existing civilization that white men ravaged with the help of guns, biological warfare, and the forced labor of people who were stolen from their homes, then bred and sold and treated as livestock.

This brand of devouring colonialism has been made possible by concerted efforts to dehumanize anyone who doesn't conform to the mold of the dominant elite. And men like Walt Disney perpetuated that brand. Whatever Jordan Peterson might want you to believe, Disney movies have always been propaganda—part of a mythos that defined "the West" in contrast to the rest of the world, holding it up as something worth defending. "Western Civilization" is inextricably linked to these self-aggrandizing myths, and any attempt to undermine derogatory depictions of the Other is fundamentally an attack on "Western Civilization." Worse than the new content warning, Disney has completely omitted Song of the South, erasing the proud tradition of pretending that black people were happy as slaves. The Disney+ claim that "The Vault Is Wide Open" seems to be ignoring a few items in the lock box at the back.

In short, Disney's latest effort at woke-washing is an affront to the principles that our society was built on—namely, the principle that the world belongs to white men, and no one else is really a person—but it doesn't go nearly far enough. They are attacking our disgusting history in little ways, but they are still profiting from its relics and using Tom Hanks to put a nice face on the whole operation. Now that Disney owns literally all of culture, they owe it to us to own up to the dark past that defines our society and attack "Western Civilization" head on. Because until we fully dismantle the disgusting ideas at the core of "Western Civilizations" and begin to build an inclusive and global society, we will not have earned the right to call ourselves civilized.

FILM

Homophobia in Animation: Queer-Coded Disney Characters

Disney has almost no outwardly queer characters, and the queer-coded characters it does have are almost always villains.


Let's be honest: Disney hasn't given us a lot to work with in terms of LGBTQ+ representation.

Troublingly, many of the Disney characters that display queer characteristics are also portrayed as villains. While this isn't a positive thing overall, many queer folks have combed through Disney movies, triumphantly reclaiming the franchise's many glittering, flamboyant, queer-coded characters.

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FILM

5 Insane Live-Action Disney Movies We Want to Actually Exist

These great live-action Disney movies could be just over the horizon.

Kristen Bell, Santino Fontana - Love Is an Open Door (From "Frozen"/Sing-Along)

Disney's all about two things right now: live-action remakes and sequels—or, whenever possible, doing both at the same time.

But eventually, Disney's going to run out of beloved, animated classics to drag into the real world. Luckily for them, we've composed a list of some of our best live-action Disney movie ideas, which they're welcome to mine when the ol' well of hackery runs dry. All we ask for in return is a mere footnote in the credits. So while you recover from the live-action Lion King and wait for the live-action The Little Mermaid, keep in mind that these great Disney movies could be just over the horizon:

Live-Action Frozen

frozen olafDisney

Live-action Frozen isn't a matter of "if" so much as "when." It's happening, and when it does, you can bet your bottom dollar that the casting choices are going to be controversial. After all, who could Disney possibly cast as Olaf? Josh Gad would be far too big for the Olaf costume, so he's not an option. They could probably get Peter Dinklage to do it, but he most likely wouldn't want to denigrate his career like that. Maybe they could size Olaf up a lot and cast John Cena, but at what point would he go from "goofy mascot" to "snow golem that must be destroyed?"

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FILM & TV

7 Movies to Celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day

Freshen Up Your Pirate Speak, Landlubbers! Savvy?

With all the depressing news going on, we sea dogs need to have fun sometimes, right?

Well, today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day and it's the perfect occasion to lighten the mood around the office — and re-watch some of your favorite pirate movies.

1. Hook (1991)



Directed by Steven Spielberg, Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman star as a grown up Peter Pan and a regular Captain Hook, respectively. Now a middle-aged lawyer, Peter Banning has to return to Neverland after his kids are kidnapped by Hook — which is going to be hard since the abandoned Tinkerbell and Lost Boys are under the leadership of Rufio now.

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