POLITICS

If Wikipedia Were Honest: Donald Trump

A profile of America's greatest conman.

Donald Trump

Shutterstock, By Evan El-Amin

Donald Trump

Donald John Trump (born June 14, 1946)–also known by the aliases John Barron, John Miller, and David Denison—is the former villainous star of reality TV show The Apprentice and current villainous star of actual reality.

Elected to the presidency of the United States—against the popular will of the voting public—by a vestige of America's history as a nation fueled by slavery, he has declared himself "the least racist person there is anywhere in the world."

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Culture News

Kanye West's Presidential Run Is Great News for Donald Trump

"Better late than never" may not apply in this case...

By Ovidiu Hrubaru / Shutterstock

Update 7/8/2020: In a truly wild interview with Forbes, Kanye West claimed to be done with his support of Donald Trump and "taking off the red hat."

Among other revelations was the announcement that he will be running for president under the label of "the Birthday Party," that Tesla CEO Elon Musk will be advising him along with his running mate, Michelle Tidball—an obscure preacher out of wyoming—that he would model his administration after the fictional nation of Wakanda from Black Panther, that he believes vaccines are "the mark of the beast," and that Planned Parenthood is doing "the devil's work."

If that wasn't enough, Kanye also asserted that "America needs special people that lead." And on Kanye's list of special people are Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and (of course) Kanye. As for the Democrats presumptive 2020 nominee, Kanye said "Joe Biden's not special."

Unfortunately for the world, only one of the people on Kanye's "special" list has any chance of winning the election in November... Hat or no, Kanye is still team Trump.

On Saturday, in a strange celebration of Independence Day, rapper, producer, and sneaker mogul Kanye West announced his intention to run for president in 2020.

As in, this year. Right now.

The announcement quickly prompeted messages of support from Kanye's wife, prison reform advocate Kim Kardashian West, as well as from billionaire weirdo/Grimes baby daddy Elon Musk.

Of course, this news comes well past the filing deadline for independent candidates in several major states—which means that unless a political party randomly decides to nominate him, Kanye's name won't appear on those ballots. As deadlines in other states approach—with little apparent effort to gather the petition signatures required—Kanye is officially joining the long, proud history of vanity presidential campaigns. Unfortunately, that's a lot more dangerous than it sounds.

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In what could only be surprising to someone living inside their own butt, the Republican lobbyist and Trump advisor with a Richard Nixon tattoo on his back has been indicted and arrested by the FBI.

Roger Stone, full-time partisan hack and part-time Steampunk enthusiast, has been indicted on seven charges including obstruction, witness tampering, and making false statements about his knowledge on the 2016 Wikileaks dump that arguably sank Hillary Clinton's campaign.


Imagine, for a moment, Roger Stone walking into a tattoo parlor. He's taking a break from planning out whatever crime against America he plans to commit that afternoon.

"Hey, I heard you do portraits here," says Roger Stone.

"Sorry, that's not really our specialty," says the tattoo artist.

"Can you do Richard Nixon on my back?" says Roger Stone.

"Why would you possibly want that?" the tattoo artist replies.

"Because I'm blatantly committing crimes against the United States."

But nobody could actually be that stupid, right? Nobody would actually believe a Republican politician sporting a Richard Nixon tattoo.

Okay, but to be fair, Alex Jones is a guy who rallies his supporters to harass the parents of school shooting victims. Let's not set the bar on the floor.

Stone On Tucker Carlson: "Mueller Trying To Destroy My Life"www.youtube.com

Wait, Fox News's Tucker Carlson brought him on his very reputable show two days before the indictment? But Tucker Carlson is supposed to be a voice of reason! Well, he's just one guy. It's not like anyone else would possibly be so...

Geraldo & #NervousFox Hosts turn on Mueller over Roger Stonewww.youtube.com

It's...it's all of them. They're all defending him. Are they all stupid? Or maybe...but no...that couldn't possibly...

There we go. It all makes sense now. Whew, that was a close one, guys. They're not stupid! They don't actually believe Roger Stone is innocent. He has a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back, for fuck's sake. Of course he's guilty. They just don't care because he's on their team.

Too bad for Roger Stone, the penalty box for this sport is a prison cell.


Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at dankahanwriter.com


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