FILM

Horror Movie Monsters Are Less Terrible Than Sarah Sanders

These classic horror movie monsters are pretty awful, but not nearly as awful as the resigning White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

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At long last, Sarah Sanders―the most prolific, unabashed liar, and gaslighter to ever hold the position of White House Press Secretary―has resigned.

Perhaps two straight years of partisan treachery took a toll, even on a heart as black as Sarah's. But somehow that seems unlikely. Most probably, the creature known as "Huckabee" simply grew full on its diet of pure untruths and decided now was the time to slumber. So, in celebration of Sarah Sanders' resignation, we've compiled a list of some of cinema's most vile monsters.

It from It Follows

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The titular "It" from It Follows is a creature that can take the form of any person, changing at will as it walks towards its victim at a steady pace. When it catches up to its victim, it sexes them to death (usually in the form of a horrendously scarring person like the victim's mother). It would probably have a similar M.O. if It were Sarah Sanders, except instead of sex, Sanders would hold victims down and shout, "YOU'LL NEED TO ASK THE PRESIDENT ABOUT THAT" until their brains melted.

Freddy Kreuger from A Nightmare on Elm Street

Freddy Kreuger New Line Cinema

Freddy Kreuger is a sweater-donning, fedora-wearing, burnt-skin-slasher who appears in people's worst nightmares to crack one-liners and then murder them. If Freddy Kreuger were Sarah Sanders, she would still appear in people's nightmares to kill them, but she wouldn't crack any jokes because she's a miserable, humorless person.

Pennywise from It

pennywise New Line Cinema

Pennywise might usually look like a dancing clown but, in reality, after luring children in with lies and deception, it takes the form of a giant spider to eat them. Sarah Sanders already has the lies and deception down. But if Pennywise were Sarah Sanders, instead of offering kids cool red balloons and then eating them, she'd be doling out MAGA hats and inciting them to hate immigrants. She'd still be a giant spider though.

The Shark from Jaws

jaws Jaws Getty Images

The Shark from Jaws is just a really big shark. It's not evil or malicious; it's just fulfilling the biological imperative. How can anyone fault it for that? If the Shark were Sarah Sanders, though, it would still go around eating people all the time (which is expected), but then, for some reason, it would get really mad whenever anyone called it a Shark. And everyone would be like, "But you are a Shark, you're literally going around eating people." Shark Sarah would continue to feign offense as she continued her rampage.

Pinhead from Hellraiser

pinhead New World Pictures

Pinhead is an evil, extra-dimensional being called a Cenobite. He travels through a puzzle box along with the rest of his Cenobite pals and captures the soul of any human who happens to inadvertently solve the cursed puzzle. If Pinhead were Sarah Sanders, rather than being summoned through a puzzle box, she would be summoned simply by reading a Washington Post article. Her and her demonic followers would proceed to call it fake news until the article was closed. She would be very frequent and very annoying.

Satire

To Donald Trump: 5 Ways You're Actually a Flawless Being Doing a Beautiful, Unbelievable Job Right Now

You could resign if you want to, but then who will keep America so GD great?

With Donald Trump making a visit to Bangor, Maine today, the editorial board of the Portland Press Herald issued an op-ed calling for President Trump to resign.

The harshly critical piece entitled "To President Trump: You Should Resign Now" was framed as an open letter to the president and got straight to the point with this opening plea, "We're sorry that you decided to come to Maine, but since you are here, could you do us a favor? Resign."

In recent days even George W. Bush has been critical of President Trump's response to protests, so this new piece quickly became a trending topic on Twitter. Obviously this is another baseless attack from the lying news media—AKA lügenpresse. Considering how delicate our president's ego is—he's our special little guy—we can only hope that Donald Trump didn't see the letter; but just in case he did, it's worth writing another one to lift his spirits. So here's our best attempt—with lots of pictures and flattery to keep him reading:

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