As reported by TMZ, Harlem-based rapper A$AP Rocky is experiencing a slew of human rights violations as he sits in an unsanitary jail cell in Sweden.

Flacko was taken into custody after beating on two men who had been following and harassing the group of friends. Video of the incident shows Rocky did his best to diffuse the situation. "Look, man, we don't wanna fight you, we don't wanna go to jail," he's seen telling one of the men after they struck his bodyguard with a pair of headphones, shattering them to pieces. The men continue to follow Rocky and his crew, demanding they compensate them for the broken headphones. "I understand," Rocky keeps saying, "but you hit him with it." The beating seemed well-deserved, especially after Rocky said on Instagram that the men had been "slapping girls' butts who passed [by]."

Rocky faces up to six years in prison for the assault and has been forced to sleep on a yoga mat without blankets while he is fed "inedible" food and water. Meanwhile, a mentally ill prisoner next to him continues to "smash his face" into a wall and hurl feces into Rocky's cell. The rapper has been living off of an apple a day. TMZ noted that the detainment is also a clear violation of the Vienna Convention for Consular Relations, which states that a United States citizen arrested on foreign soil is allowed to be granted a meeting with a U.S. Consulate. While Rocky requested the meeting, he was apparently denied by Swedish authorities, which is a clear violation of the treaty. When a representative was finally permitted to see the rapper two days later, their meeting was closely observed by a Swedish prison guard: a clear "intimidation tactic." Rappers have banded together to call for Rocky's release, but for now, all Rocky can do is wait.

Satire

To Donald Trump: 5 Ways You're Actually a Flawless Being Doing a Beautiful, Unbelievable Job Right Now

You could resign if you want to, but then who will keep America so GD great?

With Donald Trump making a visit to Bangor, Maine today, the editorial board of the Portland Press Herald issued an op-ed calling for President Trump to resign.

The harshly critical piece entitled "To President Trump: You Should Resign Now" was framed as an open letter to the president and got straight to the point with this opening plea, "We're sorry that you decided to come to Maine, but since you are here, could you do us a favor? Resign."

In recent days even George W. Bush has been critical of President Trump's response to protests, so this new piece quickly became a trending topic on Twitter. Obviously this is another baseless attack from the lying news media—AKA lügenpresse. Considering how delicate our president's ego is—he's our special little guy—we can only hope that Donald Trump didn't see the letter; but just in case he did, it's worth writing another one to lift his spirits. So here's our best attempt—with lots of pictures and flattery to keep him reading:

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