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Late Capitalism Diaries: Doritos Locos Tacos, Girl Scout Cookies, and the Horror of Brand Collabs

Brand collaborations move us one step closer to the erasure of all culture

Today the world is celebrating the fact that Girl Scout Cookies are being sold online and Taco bell is giving out free Doritos Locos Tacos for Taco Tuesday.

It makes sense to celebrate. Free food is a blessing at any time, and more so now—amid unprecedented layoffs and financial uncertainty. Likewise, the convenience of an exclusive seasonal snack now being delivered to your door will be a welcome comfort to many people who are stuck inside under quarantine—and no one will need to be coerced by a small child into buying more than they actually want. But what many people may not have realized was that there was already a way to order your Thin Mints online—as long as you could stomach the idea of eating them in a bowl of milk.

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brand collaborations

CULTURE

The Horrifying Corporate Zombies of Branded Twitter

Twitter brands want you to believe they're your friends, but they are all soulless monsters.

Photo by: Nathan Dumlao / Unsplash

In 2012, one of the death knells of Mitt Romney's failed campaign for the presidency was an endlessly replayed clip of him telling a heckler at a rally, "Corporations are people, my friend."

Mitt Romney- Corporations Are People!www.youtube.com

He was expressing his opposition to raising the corporate tax rate, because that ultimately takes money out of (rich) people's pockets. It's not exactly a stunning take for a Republican politician, but what made the clip so damning was how plainly it exposed Romney's fundamental flaw as a candidate. He didn't seem like a real person. There was nothing authentic in any aspect of his public persona. Whether it was Mormonsim, political ambitions, or hundreds of millions of dollars that drained him of all flavor, the result was the concept of bland corporate professionalism made manifest in a suit and a haircut. He was the Uncanny Valley candidate.

There is a parallel issue that has emerged in recent years on Twitter, and I can't quite handle it. Having learned the lesson of Mitt Romney, every brand on Earth has made it their mission to present themselves on Twitter as people with some actual personality—as your cool, quirky friend. And people genuinely invest in these exchanges. There are endless articles about which Twitter brands are "sassiest" and about Old Spice "beefing" with Taco Bell. Who had the better zinger?!

Whichever side we choose, we are the losers when we invest emotion into these empty vessels, because brands are not on our side. There's no such thing as a sassy or a quirky brand, and there are no "good" brands. Brands are not people. They are imaginary entities, devoid of character and attribute—corporate figures that can be erased and remade on the whim of a focus group. They can't feel or think or love, and they can't die. They are philosophical zombies, except that—like the flesh-eating corpse version of zombies—they are doing their best to kill us all.

One of the most upsetting things about these Twitter brands is that some of the people writing these tweets are legitimately clever. There's a lot of real talent being subsumed by the capitalistic effort to commodify every aspect of our lives and convert all of Earth's vital resources into profit as quickly as inhumanly possible—before impending climactic collapse destroys the global economy and the wealthy retreat to luxury bunkers, protected from the fulfillment of Mad Max's hellish vision.

Creative ability that could be used to connect people and make them aware of the pressing issues that concern the entire planet is instead being funneled into efforts that can only numb us. These innocuous jokes build warm feelings toward emblems of the forces we should be rallying against—a hazy comfort that conceals the fact that our society is rapidly destroying the possibility of livable conditions for humanity.

And in our numb state, we see Greta Thunberg's passion and assume it's an act. We question the price tag of the Green New Deal and resist the vision of a transformational shift akin to the war movement in the 40s—which is seen as an unquestioned good, despite the fact that climate change is a far more dangerous threat to humanity than the Nazis could ever have hoped to be.

In our numb state, we see protesters clogging the streets and, instead of joining them—propagating a general strike that spreads throughout our cities until we can begin the real work of dismantling the cancerous systems of greed consuming our planet—we complain that they are making us late to our jobs. The jobs where we serve our unfeeling masters: the corporate zombies that will kill us all.

From Your Site Articles

Best Fast Food Secret Menu Items If You're a Big A$$hole

DID YOU KNOW STARBUCKS HAS A SECRET MENU?

Photo by Haseeb Jamil on Unsplash

Secret menus are the bane of fast food workers' existence.

Put yourself in the shoes of an average fast food worker. You're getting paid minimum wage to stand on your feet all day and shill artery blockers to people. You're constantly tired, and no matter how many times you shower, you can't escape the stench of cheap coffee beans or burger grease. Your only solace is the fact that you can practically do your job on auto-pilot because, you know, there's a pre-established menu.

Then, some entitled a$hole scoots in and the following conversation plays out:

Entitled A$hole: "I'd like a Double Dawg Extreme Slammer."

You (A Fast Food Employee): "Excuse me?"

Entitled A$hole: "A Double Dawg Extreme Slammer." *He leans closer and whispers. You can smell the doritos on his breath.* "You know. From the Secret Menu."

You don't know, because there is no "Secret Menu." There is the established menu, and then there are the articles that piece of sh*t hack writers put online to make fast food employees' lives harder, believed only by the stupidest people in the entire world.

To make matters worse, you can't tell this Entitled A$hole that his brain is melted, because then he'll have a hissy fit. So instead, you pander to his delicate sensibilities and ask him how it's made. He proceeds to give you a ridiculous custom order, and you secretly hope that this is the final straw to give him the heart attack he so desperately craves.

So next time you're trying to figure out which one of the "Starbucks Secret Menu Drinks Inspired by the Friends Cast" to order (HINT: If there's not a sign in-store blatantly listing the drink, do not order it), try one of these five cool Secret Menu items at any popular fast food chain!

1. McDonald's: SUPER Grease Shack McQuadruple

Every Secret Menu lover needs to try McDonald's SUPER Grease Shack McQuadruple at least once. Just go into McDonald's and read them this secret code: "Hi, I'm a tremendous a$hole desperately trying to give myself a heart attack. I'd like you to stack four of your thickest beef patties on top of one another with ten fat globs of BBQ sauce and french fries sandwiched in between. Please include a cup of used grease for dipping, and have your janitor on duty to clean up after I die in your tiny bathroom." They'll know exactly what to do!

2. Dunkin' Donuts: Donut Dunka' Brewlatta

If you're looking for a real secret treat that you can't find anywhere else, head over to your nearest Dunkin' and demand a Donut Dunka' Brewlatta. Here's what you tell 'em: "Hey, I should probably be in a group home, but instead I'm here bugging you. Please place one of your stalest jelly donuts in a large plastic cup and then pour Frozen Coffee Coolatta on top. I will eat it with a spoon." Make sure to keep it a secret though!

3. Chick-fil-A: Big Gay Sammy

Chick-fil-A may publicly hate LGBTQ+ people, but their secret menu says otherwise. So next time you decide to spend your money at a fast food chicken restaurant that opposes gay marriage for some reason, make sure to tell them: "I want a chicken sandwich, but make sure the mayonnaise is of the human variety." Lick your lips and maybe wink a few times to let the employee know that you're talking about that Secret Menu.

4. Taco Bell: Doritos Locos Beef Bag

You've had the Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco, but have you heard of the super secret Doritos Locos Beef Bag? If you're hunting for the pinnacle of Taco Bell secrets, you've just hit the motherlode. Try saying this drunk at the drive-thru: "Yes, hi, I'd like you to take one of your large to-go bags and just fill it with your signature saucy beef. Ideally you can just dunk the bag into your beef vat so the outside gets wet, too, that's how I want it, nice and wet and beefy. Then after the bag is full, crumble up a bunch of Dorito taco shells and mash them inside the bag with your hands. I will pay you $20 to do this." Don't worry, they'll make sure you're taken care of!

5. Starbucks: Old Coffee

Probably one of Starbucks' best kept secrets, you can get Old Coffee instead of fresh coffee. How? Easy! Just walk up to the register and tell your barista, "I'd like some Old Coffee." If they ask you what you mean, just repeat yourself and add the secret phrase. "I'd like some Old Coffee. NOT fresh. If it's fresh, I swear to God, I'm going to pour it on your head. Don't disappoint me." Starbucks is all about customer service, so brace yourself for the magic of Old Coffee.

Or, if none of these amazing Secret Menu options sound appetizing to you (or maybe you just weren't dropped on your head a bunch as a baby?), try ordering off the regular f*cking menu like a functional member of society.

From Your Site Articles

Surviving New York City's First Legal 4/20

Everyone's favorite "gateway drug" is about to open a gateway to hell in NYC.

"RIP Taco Bell": Denzel Skinner and the Corporate Suppression of Free Speech

Corporations want their workers to be soulless automatons.

Last week a Black man named Denzel Skinner went live on Facebook while in the process of being fired from his job at a Youngstown, Ohio Taco Bell for refusing to change his Black Lives Matter face mask.

#RIPTacoBell and #TacoBellIsOverParty

The Bottom Line

Corporations Over People

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