Basically, just don't defend alleged pedophiles.
Hey Jeff Goldblum, it's me, your new PR guy. Your last one had a family emergency, but don't worry, he totally didn't off himself in the fifth floor bathroom over his top client's inane media fumble.
Speaking of which, Jeff, what were you thinking? You're promoting a jazz album. Quintessential cool dad Jeff Goldblum leading a jazz band called The Mildred Snitzer Orchestra should, quite frankly, be the easiest sell in PR history. So why, in the ever-loving name of Jesus H. Christ, would you randomly say you'd work with Woody Allen again in spite of long-standing allegations that he sexually abused a child? What the hell were you hoping to accomplish?
Look, assuming there's another interview on the horizon, and I'm honestly not sure if there will be––you might be totally canceled buddy, I really don't know––I want to help you find some better talking points about your jazz album that don't involve defending an alleged pedophile. Here are some suggestions:
1. You could, you know, just talk about being a cool, quirky dude who loves jazz music.
That's your whole shtick. You got your big frame glasses and your off-kilter swagger. You play the piano. You're freaking Jeff Goldblum. This should sell itself. WHY WOULD YOU DEFEND WOODY ALLEN WHILE PROMOTING YOUR F*CKING JAZZ ALBUM?
Sorry, I lost it there for a second, didn't mean to yell at you, Jeffy, baby. I'm under a lot of pressure trying to make sure your entire brand isn't sunk, so bear with me. Let's explore some other talking points.
2. Talk about playing Dr. Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park.
Just talk about that, okay? Try looking in the mirror and saying, "Hey, I'm Jeff Goldblum. I played Dr. Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park, and now I'm releasing a new jazz album featuring Miley Cyrus. Did you know I play the piano? I do, because I'm cool, quirky Jeff Goldblum."
See? It's not that hard. Not once did that pitch include defending child predator Woody Allen who has been all but entirely blacklisted from Hollywood.
3. Give your opinion on Martin Scorsese's opinion on Marvel movies.
If you really wanted to drum up some controversy around your jazz album, why not just join the ongoing hubbub around Martin Scorsese saying Marvel movies aren't cinema? It's a great topic, because everybody's talking about it for some reason, but let's be honest, nobody actually cares. You were in Thor: Ragnarok, so this is a literal no-brainer. Get in there, hit the zeitgeist, bang, boom, and get out.
Just say: "Hey, I'm Jeff Goldblum, I was in Thor: Ragnarok, and Martin Scorsese is wrong because it's a decent movie, and check out my new jazz album," and that's it. End it there. Don't conclude with, "The #MeToo movement is great, but I also think this one possible pedophile should really have his career salvaged." DO NOT DO THAT.
Then, people will write headlines like "Jeff Goldblum Joins the Marvel Cinema Debate and Has New Jazz Album" instead of "Jeff Goldblum Throws His Lot in with Alleged Pedophile Woody Allen."
4. Make dad jokes.
You had so much goodwill built up, Jeff. The public loves you. You can just make a bunch of goofy dad jokes during an interview and people will eat that sh*t up. This should be so easy. God, why are you doing this to me, Jeff?
5. Literally, talk about ANYTHING other than how you'd still work with Woody Allen, even though he was accused of molesting his 7-year-old daughter.
Look, even if you would be willing to work with Woody Allen, again, in spite of the accusations (I have no idea why you'd want to do that to your career, but okay, for argument's sake, let's say you do), keep that sh*t to yourself. Any statement that begins with, "I support the MeToo movement, but…" is going to be a PR nightmare right now.
How are you failing to grasp this? We're in the midst of a cultural reckoning for rich, powerful men using their positions to sexually abuse people and continually being covered for and propped up by the industries that profit from them. You are a rich, powerful, white man. There is no "but…" from you. If you have a "but…," use it to sit the f*ck down, shut up, and listen. Maybe then, we wouldn't be dealing with you getting canceled during the press junket for a freaking jazz album.
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Bandcamp is waiving revenue shares today, and you should support POC artists.
Today is another Bandcamp Friday, meaning until midnight tonight, the platform will be waiving revenue shares and letting artists take 100 percent of profits.
Now more than ever, as Black Lives Matter protests occur around the world, it's extremely important to lift marginalized voices. The music industry has repeatedly erased Black voices throughout history, despite the fact that most mainstream genres were invented by Black people.
An Article That Presages the Collapse of Civilization
Picture this: It's midnight on November 1st, and suddenly wormholes open up across the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the super-powered men of Marvel are slurped off to Sakaar, the trash-planet from Thor: Ragnarok.
The Grandmaster, a.k.a. Jeff Goldblum, has a sadistic task for them. They can return to their usual lives, but they may not succumb to temptations of the flesh for one month, or they will be instantly transported to his stadium to fight to the death as gladiators. In other words, they are now participating in No Nut November…and Jeff Goldblum has already been disqualified.
He actually lasted longer than we expected...
Who will succeed? Who will face the trials of the stadium? Could Thanos snap and cause everyone to nut at once? Truly, these are questions for the ages, and probably already the plot of one of the 300 marvel movies currently in production. Let's get into it.
Winner: Doctor Strange
Doctor Strange has perfect, mystical control of his body. He can probably achieve the salutary effects of climax through meditation (or some far-more-elaborate-than-the-usual hand gestures), without any of the mess. If the No-Nut judges don't rule this as cheating, Doctor Strange should be in the clear.
Hulk is functionally asexual. His rage, much like the rage of confused young men around the world, is closely tied to his lack of sexual self-awareness and the resulting inability to achieve release. But the calm and collected Banner-Hulk Hybrid introduced in Endgame is clearly on a very well-balanced, once-every-48-hour nut-schedule. He could last all month if isolated, but he would begin to lose his composure around day four, and he would quickly become a full-blown, monosyllabic monster, until forced to watch some giantess p*rn and imagine being stepped on by a 50-foot woman.
Peter Parker is a teenage boy. Enough said…except that I have so much more to say. Spider-man has always been a metaphor for puberty: the sudden transformation, the obsessive sexual tension of his will-they/won't they romances, as well as certain aspects of his powers. For instance: Have you ever wondered where his web-fluid comes from?
In various iterations, he just magically produces it from his wrists (huh?), or he magically knows how to chemically synthesize it from materials that are readily available in a high school chemistry lab (hmm…). Both of these explanations raise more questions than they answer. What precedent is there for any kind of protein to be extruded through the wrists? And what are the odds of the kid who is randomly bitten by a radioactive spider also achieving a generational breakthrough in materials science?
Maybe Peter is clever enough to tweak and perfect his web-fluid in the lab, but there must be an initial anatomical source for the web-fluid that is adapted from existing structures, which preferably ties into Spider-man's metaphorical puberty framework...some kind of sticky, protein-rich fluid that a pubescent boy would have particular access to...in other words, Peter Parker is giving in to his "peter-tingle" with enough regularity to sling web all over New York City. With those habits, it's hard to imagine him lasting past lunchtime on November 1st.
Winner: Captain America
He's so disappointed in you
Steve Rogers tried pleasuring himself once, in 1941, and has never quite gotten over the shame. The hardest thing about No Nut November would be coming to grips with how much the rest of the world is "coming to grips" around him.
Hawkeye would lose within the first hour, cry-stroking to his own reflection and grunting out "Heaven don't have a name," at the moment of climax.
Winner: Iron Man
Tony Stark is a notorious womanizer and horndog, but he's also a scientific genius with addictive tendencies. He undoubtedly knows the specific combination of drugs to perfectly suppress his sex drive, and he'd probably channel all that extra energy into new technological breakthroughs. As long as he could maintain the right chemical balance, the world would probably be better off with a celibate Tony Stark.
Skip the hammer puns. Let's get to the real question: Do gods play with themselves? Early in his MCU arc, it would have seemed quite out-of-character for Thor to even be aware of such a mortal pastime, but the depressed Thor of Endgame introduced a whole realm of very human hedonism. Thor would either last the whole month without much thought, or he'd give in to defeatism on day one and crank out a thundery one just to get it over with.
It's still unclear how gods' sexuality functions, but it's hard to imagine a No-Nut scenario in which Loki is not spending all his time tempting and seducing the other characters with sexy illusions. F*cking with people is how he figuratively gets off, and if he fails to last the whole month without getting off literally, it will no doubt be incidental to some sort of Shakespearean bed-trick whereby he's disguised as someone else and returns to himself mid-O face.
Winner: Black Panther
T'Challa is noteworthy for his restraint and self-control. While his romantic life doesn't seem to be lacking in passion, he has been raised to be a level-headed leader and diplomat and would probably have no problem tamping down his impulses for a month, maybe by hanging out with the spooky dead guys on the ancestral-plane. That place seems like a definite boner-killer.
Loser: Star Lord
Peter Quill has vintage tastes. He most likely isn't aware of the perverse wonders of the Internet, but he may still recall an issue of playboy he found in the woods when he was 10. Whatever old school material he has stored in his spank bank is no doubt well-worn, but not nearly as potent as the specialty material at our fingertips today. He can probably last at least a week, but the full month seems like a stretch.
Scott Lang has spent time in prison, which more or less guarantees that he is well-acquainted with a handheld remedy for boredom. Fortunately, he also has access to the dangerous and unpredictable Quantum Realm, where time can pass at a hyper-accelerated rate. He may choose to spend the month risking his life there, rather than face a full month of abstaining.
And now that we've reached the end of this article...we should probably all re-examine the life choices that brought us here.
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