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By Claudia-Wolff (Unsplash)

News of mass shootings, threats of nuclear war, and political and cultural unrest are inescapable these days.

The human brain isn't meant to take in such a constant stream of bad news. As a result, many Americans have become numb and pessimistic, hardly blinking an eye when we hear about the latest tragedy. It's not that we don't care—it's that letting every heartbreaking thing actually break our hearts is just too much to handle.

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CULTURE

Dear Nicholas Sparks, Write a Gay Romance!

An open letter to racist, homophobic, romance novelist, Nicholas Sparks

Nicholas Sparks

by Jim Smeal/BEI/Shutterstock

Hey Nicholas Sparks,

Yeah, you, the doughboy in the polo. Hi.

Look, Nick, can I call you Nick? Nick, let's be real here. You goofed up. You know it. I know it. The whole publishing industry knows it. Yes, you blatantly discriminated against LGBTQ+ students at the Christian school you founded. Sure, you aggressively attempted to suppress children who wanted to protest the hatred directed towards them within your hallowed halls. And fine, you tried to sabotage and slander faculty members who spoke out against your draconian logic. Also, you said some pretty gross things about black people.

But come on, who hasn't made mistakes? Maybe not to the same extent you have (we aren't all monsters), but no need to beat a dead horse. A man who wrote an entire novel about a hunky cowboy and titled it The Longest Ride can't be that homophobic, right?

So here's my pitch, Nick: It's not too late for you to save your public image. All you need to do is write a gay romance. And here's the best part. You're already an expert!


How many men can say they've spent the better part of their lives dreaming up perfect, sexy, hunky boys to sweep readers off their feet? Nick, you sat down and thought, "You know what would be hot? A rippling young lad in a tam hat, hanging off a ferris wheel to get someone to notice him, his muscles bulging ever so slightly." You gave me the image of Noah Calhoun from The Notebook thrusting me down on the kitchen table, his powerful thumb digging into my hairy lower back as he rips off my jock strap. Your brain created that.

You also birthed popular bad boy Landon Carter in A Walk to Remember, damaged marine Logan Thibault in The Lucky One, and beach boy/aquarium volunteer Will Blakelee in The Last Song. You're batting 100. You have a rare gift for imagining sexy men.


And let's be honest here: The female characters you write are all self-inserts. Your women are indisputably the weakest parts of all your novels, generic stock characters who boil down to a single character trait like "rebellious" or "sickly" or "nice." I'm not saying this to knock you down, Nick. Self-insert characters work wonders for the breed of romance you concoct, because they allow anyone––female, male, or otherwise––to picture themselves being held by the manly-man arms you've crafted with your words.

All I'm getting at is that, clearly, your talents lie in your ability to imagine hot boys. So why not double down? Instead of writing up another pesky, self-insert lady to be romanced, you could try coming up with two hot boys who romance each other. For instance, maybe your next novel could be about a passionate love affair between a troubled oil rig worker and a successful surgeon (both men). They can perform grand gestures for one another, like sending overblown, sappy love letters at the same time and each giving up their respective coin collections to save each other's dying mothers. I'm not saying you need to use these ideas exactly; you're the expert here. I'm just riffing to help you get started.


As for the sex scenes, my main suggestion would be to take the ones you already have and just imagine a little more chest hair, or maybe think about all the things you could do with two screwdrivers or a pair of corn dogs. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

I sincerely hope you'll consider my suggestion, Nick. Considering how badly you goofed, I just don't see another way out of this for you. You either need to write a gay romance or accept the fact that you're a homophobic, discriminatory villain. I'm sure you'll make the right choice.

Sincerely,

A reader who easily pictures himself having sex with your already believably gay male characters

P.S. Maybe make one of them black to try fixing your new racist image, too. Because jeez, Nick, you're super racist.

MUSIC

Hear Ingrid Michaelson's New Stranger-Things Inspired Single, "Missing You"

Ingrid Michaelson has released the first track off of her 'Stranger Things'-inspired album, along with a Pac Man-themed lyric video.

Does Netflix's Stranger Things make you feel like you're wrapped in a blanket of sweet memories of the 1980s suburban youth you never had?

You're not alone—Ingrid Michaelson feels the same way, and she's written a whole album about it.

Today, Michaelson released the first track off of her Stranger Things-inspired LP, Stranger Songs. "Missing You" borrows muffled synth-driven arpeggiations from the show's theme music, and layers her crystal-clear vocal tones high above them.

Lyrically, the song—which is a reference to the character Nancy and her fraught love triangle with moody dreamboat Jonathan and popular, pure-hearted Steve—offers the kind of complex portrayal of romantic tension that Michaelson has always been an expert at painting in her music. "When he's kissing me I'm missing you," she sings. "I'm in his bed feeling like a stranger."

With its 80s-style beat and grainy bassline, "Missing You" is a euphoric and sugar-sweet song that could easily soundtrack a triumphant bike ride in a Stranger Things final scene, just after Eleven has returned to sweep Mike off his feet and save all of Hawkins.

Michaelson's music has received widespread critical success; two of her singles have gone platinum, and all seven of her albums were released on her own record label, Cabin 24. But after the release of her last album, she found herself seeking inspiration—and discovered it unexpectedly in Netflix's smash-hit show about parallel dimensions and glowing Christmas lights.

All in all, her music is a natural match for Stranger Things' softly lit nostalgia. "I've already made seven records, I have a lot to say. But I've said it so much from the brain and mind and soul of Ingrid Michaelson—I wanted to create something through a different lens," the musician stated. "There's something about Stranger Things that's really comforting, it brings me back to my childhood. It's the best kind of escapism and I find myself seeking that now more than ever. I took inspiration from the show and the characters and all these ideas started to come to me. Every song on the record includes a reference from the show, some more specific than others, but all of the themes are universal—these are feelings everyone has."

Regarding her love of the show, she told Entertainment Weekly, "I've always longed to re-live childhood memories. There's no word in the English language to describe what it is that I'm feeling. But it goes deeper than nostalgia — this desire to quite literally be able to go back in time and re-live those moments again because the memories are so wonderful and wrap you up with a warm feeling."

Stranger Things isn't the only beloved work of escapism that Michaelson will be lending her ear and lyrical sensibilities to in the near future. She has also written the score for a musical adaption of The Notebook, and the first performances will debut in Poughkeepsie, New York this July at Vassar College (the same place Lin-Manuel Miranda debuted his Hamilton Mixtape way back in 2013).

Ingrid Michaelson Reveals She's Working On 'The Notebook' Musical | TODAYwww.youtube.com

Both The Notebook and Stranger Things are portals into magical, dreamlike worlds of passion, nostalgia, and parallel dimensions. With her penchant for spinning reality into perfect rhymes and whimsical melodies, Michaelson seems like one of the best people around to turn both of them into song.


Eden Arielle Gordon is a writer and musician from New York. Follow her on Twitter @edenarielmusic.


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