Trueself

An Open Letter to the Aliens: Please Help Us

Humans have failed; is it time for alien saviors to descend?

Dear Aliens,

Just yesterday, the Pentagon revealed what many of us already suspected: that you exist and you've been orbiting our planet for many years. Who knows how many civilian reports of your passage through our cosmos have been real, only to be written off as hallucinations by the close-minded?

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Satire

To Donald Trump: 5 Ways You're Actually a Flawless Being Doing a Beautiful, Unbelievable Job Right Now

You could resign if you want to, but then who will keep America so GD great?

With Donald Trump making a visit to Bangor, Maine today, the editorial board of the Portland Press Herald issued an op-ed calling for President Trump to resign.

The harshly critical piece entitled "To President Trump: You Should Resign Now" was framed as an open letter to the president and got straight to the point with this opening plea, "We're sorry that you decided to come to Maine, but since you are here, could you do us a favor? Resign."

In recent days even George W. Bush has been critical of President Trump's response to protests, so this new piece quickly became a trending topic on Twitter. Obviously this is another baseless attack from the lying news media—AKA lügenpresse. Considering how delicate our president's ego is—he's our special little guy—we can only hope that Donald Trump didn't see the letter; but just in case he did, it's worth writing another one to lift his spirits. So here's our best attempt—with lots of pictures and flattery to keep him reading:

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MUSIC

Blink-182 Experiences a Mid-Life Crisis on "Happy Days"

The band's latest song, "Happy Days," depicts a band in crisis.

Brooklyn Vegan

Blink-182 has been an amorphous band since Tom Delonge left.

While California was easy on the ears—thanks in part to the commercial proficiency of producer John Feldman, who previously worked with bands like 5 Seconds of Summer and Panic! At The Disco—the record's fun sensibilities were overshadowed by the weight of a midlife crisis. Tracks like "Kings of the Weekend" and "Rabbit Hole" painted a picture of a band chasing their glory days. The rockers, now all in their 40's, had a clear objective with California that was set partially in motion by the departure of Tom Delonge in 2015: Remind fans that Blink-182 is the same care-free trio. But they're not the same band, and with Delonge's absence came a loss of sincerity. As flawed as Neighborhoods was—the last record Delonge would write and appear on—it carried with it a reflective maturity that California lacked. Songs like "Up All Night" and "Love Is Dangerous" portrayed Blink as a contemplative band, who in their old age were forced to learn from their impetuous years, and to perhaps grow and change in the process. Fans were disappointed by California because that authenticity and growth was nowhere to be found.

The trio's latest singles, "Happy Days," "Blame It On My Youth," and "Generational Divide," are very literal in their depictions of the band's mid-life crisis. While California showed the band chasing their youth, Blink's upcoming album seems to be in response to that: pure existential crisis. "Are we better, are we better now?" Hoppus cries out on the 50-second "Generational Divide." "I've been lost since 1999 / Blame It on my youth," the band all screams out optimistically on "Blame it On My Youth."

Now, "Happy Days" has all but ascertained that Blink-182 is running on the fumes of nostalgia. The track is formulaic and plays out like much of Blink-182's late discography. Skiba provides the harmonic cries while Barker wails on the drums, with Hoppus filling in the gaps to send a message to the "kids" supposedly listening to their music. Even the single's cover art is eerily reminiscent of the band's 2003 self-titled project. The only issue is that it's not kids listening anymore.


Blink-182's biggest moments served as a form of escapism from teenage oppression and effectively communicated the heavy-handed ridiculousness of being a young exile. But those kids are now in their mid-to-late 20's. They've all realized there is no escape. Instead, they're all looking for answers, and it's comforting to know that at least Blink-182 is on that journey with them. "Walls of isolation inside of my pain / and I don't know if I'm ready to change," Hoppus sings on the track's chorus. "Happy Days" shows that our favorite middle-aged musicians are lost in translation, unable to articulate exactly what kind of band they are anymore.