CULTURE

"Captain Marvel 2" Is Slated to Trigger Low-Performing Dudes All Over Again

Low-performing men are no longer "the real fans" of comic book movies.

Disney

It's impossible to read anything related to Brie Larson's Captain Marvel without tripping over hives of low-performing Internet men.

You know the ones––the kind of men who genuinely believe they're entitled to debates, who pretend to love facts and logic while simultaneously believing everything they hear on YouTube, who couch their racism and sexism in poorly constructed jokes and then rage about how nobody has a sense of humor anymore when everyone else wants them to go away. They're everywhere, swarming the comment sections of every YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook post even mildly related to the character, whining and crying and soiling their britches. It's almost like these low-performing Internet men have nothing better to do than breathlessly scan social media for mentions of Brie Larson so they can regurgitate something akin to, "REEE BRIE LARSON BAD!"

Thankfully, their furor has died down quite a bit since Captain Marvel's release. They still show up in the Rotten Tomatoes Audience Reviews every now and again to leave thoughtful commentary like, "10yrs of a good job destroyed for PC reasons" with no punctuation, but by and large, they've moved on to actively hating other women elsewhere. But as comic books have taught us time and time again, peace can only last so long for a superhero.

Captain Marvel short hair This image really upsets low-performing dudes.Disney

Now that Captain Marvel 2 is officially in development, one thing is certain: Low-performing Internet dudes are going to get triggered all over again.

Collective triggering of the world's least eligible bachelors can largely be traced back to Brie Larson's speech at the 2018 Crystal + Lucy Awards (an awards show for women in communications and media). There, Larson spoke out against the lack of diversity amongst film reporters and critics, the majority of whom are white and male.

"I don't want to hear what a white man has to say about 'A Wrinkle in Time,' said Larson. "I want to hear what a woman of color, a biracial woman has to say about the film. I want to hear what teenagers think about the film."

Naturally, the suggestion that their opinions didn't matter––"they" being the specific variety of men who would hear a statement like that and get vein-poppingly red about it––triggered these dudes so hard that their moms probably wished they could get postnatal abortions. These men were so angry that they made it their mission to virtually follow Brie Larson around like the lowest-performing heat seeking missiles, screeching their bad takes whenever and wherever they could.

Brie Larson Speech Women In Film 2018 Crystal and Lucy Awards - Show, Beverly Hills, USA - 13 Jun 2018 Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP/REX/Shutterstock

Of course, Brie Larson was right to say what she said. White men have been the primary cultural tastemakers throughout the entire history of Western media. It's only recently that fresh, non-white, non-male voices have started to gain major traction on such a global scale.

The biggest problem for a lot of the men who are angry at Brie Larson is that they've spent their entire lives massively overestimating the value of their own opinions. To be clear, even the most entitled, low-performing Internet men are welcome to hold whatever opinions they want on absolutely anything. But many of them, for the first time ever, are being faced with a collective cultural dismissal of the value those opinions hold. In other words, these men are facing the same exact thing that they've been telling underrepresented people since the beginning of time: Nobody actually cares what they think.

And it's true. The opinions of angry Internet men, especially the ones who have a tendency to refer to themselves with phrases like "the real fans," don't matter nearly as much as they used to. Captain Marvel was the 9th highest-grossing movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the 11th highest-grossing superhero movie ever made. Regardless of whether or not these men made good on their words and stayed home from the theaters (if they would have even gone in the first place), Captain Marvel was an objective box office hit.

Captain Marvel 2 Disney

As marketing efforts for Captain Marvel 2 begin to ramp up, so too will the vitriol of low-performing dudes. But at some point, assuming they really do love facts and logic as much as they claim, they'll need to stop denying reality and face the truth. Captain Marvel 2 will be another hit for Marvel because low-performing men are no longer "the real fans" of comic book movies. They're just voices screaming into a void like everyone else, and their box office dollars are insignificant to the brands they once worshipped.

Like it or not, their opinions have already been canceled.

Satire

To Donald Trump: 5 Ways You're Actually a Flawless Being Doing a Beautiful, Unbelievable Job Right Now

You could resign if you want to, but then who will keep America so GD great?

With Donald Trump making a visit to Bangor, Maine today, the editorial board of the Portland Press Herald issued an op-ed calling for President Trump to resign.

The harshly critical piece entitled "To President Trump: You Should Resign Now" was framed as an open letter to the president and got straight to the point with this opening plea, "We're sorry that you decided to come to Maine, but since you are here, could you do us a favor? Resign."

In recent days even George W. Bush has been critical of President Trump's response to protests, so this new piece quickly became a trending topic on Twitter. Obviously this is another baseless attack from the lying news media—AKA lügenpresse. Considering how delicate our president's ego is—he's our special little guy—we can only hope that Donald Trump didn't see the letter; but just in case he did, it's worth writing another one to lift his spirits. So here's our best attempt—with lots of pictures and flattery to keep him reading:

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CULTURE

Which Marvel Characters Would Win/Lose "No Nut November"

An Article That Presages the Collapse of Civilization

Picture this: It's midnight on November 1st, and suddenly wormholes open up across the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the super-powered men of Marvel are slurped off to Sakaar, the trash-planet from Thor: Ragnarok.

The Grandmaster, a.k.a. Jeff Goldblum, has a sadistic task for them. They can return to their usual lives, but they may not succumb to temptations of the flesh for one month, or they will be instantly transported to his stadium to fight to the death as gladiators. In other words, they are now participating in No Nut November…and Jeff Goldblum has already been disqualified.

Jeff Goldblum making a face He actually lasted longer than we expected...

Who will succeed? Who will face the trials of the stadium? Could Thanos snap and cause everyone to nut at once? Truly, these are questions for the ages, and probably already the plot of one of the 300 marvel movies currently in production. Let's get into it.

Winner: Doctor Strange

Benedict Cumberbatch being groped

Doctor Strange has perfect, mystical control of his body. He can probably achieve the salutary effects of climax through meditation (or some far-more-elaborate-than-the-usual hand gestures), without any of the mess. If the No-Nut judges don't rule this as cheating, Doctor Strange should be in the clear.

Toss-up: Hulk

Ruffalo horny

Hulk is functionally asexual. His rage, much like the rage of confused young men around the world, is closely tied to his lack of sexual self-awareness and the resulting inability to achieve release. But the calm and collected Banner-Hulk Hybrid introduced in Endgame is clearly on a very well-balanced, once-every-48-hour nut-schedule. He could last all month if isolated, but he would begin to lose his composure around day four, and he would quickly become a full-blown, monosyllabic monster, until forced to watch some giantess p*rn and imagine being stepped on by a 50-foot woman.

Loser: Spider-Man

peter parker web fluid

Ewww!

Peter Parker is a teenage boy. Enough said…except that I have so much more to say. Spider-man has always been a metaphor for puberty: the sudden transformation, the obsessive sexual tension of his will-they/won't they romances, as well as certain aspects of his powers. For instance: Have you ever wondered where his web-fluid comes from?

In various iterations, he just magically produces it from his wrists (huh?), or he magically knows how to chemically synthesize it from materials that are readily available in a high school chemistry lab (hmm…). Both of these explanations raise more questions than they answer. What precedent is there for any kind of protein to be extruded through the wrists? And what are the odds of the kid who is randomly bitten by a radioactive spider also achieving a generational breakthrough in materials science?

Maybe Peter is clever enough to tweak and perfect his web-fluid in the lab, but there must be an initial anatomical source for the web-fluid that is adapted from existing structures, which preferably ties into Spider-man's metaphorical puberty framework...some kind of sticky, protein-rich fluid that a pubescent boy would have particular access to...in other words, Peter Parker is giving in to his "peter-tingle" with enough regularity to sling web all over New York City. With those habits, it's hard to imagine him lasting past lunchtime on November 1st.

Winner: Captain America

Captain America disappointed

He's so disappointed in you

Steve Rogers tried pleasuring himself once, in 1941, and has never quite gotten over the shame. The hardest thing about No Nut November would be coming to grips with how much the rest of the world is "coming to grips" around him.

Loser: Hawkeye

Hawkeye crying

Hawkeye would lose within the first hour, cry-stroking to his own reflection and grunting out "Heaven don't have a name," at the moment of climax.

Winner: Iron Man

tony stark being a womanizer

Tony Stark is a notorious womanizer and horndog, but he's also a scientific genius with addictive tendencies. He undoubtedly knows the specific combination of drugs to perfectly suppress his sex drive, and he'd probably channel all that extra energy into new technological breakthroughs. As long as he could maintain the right chemical balance, the world would probably be better off with a celibate Tony Stark.

Toss-up: Thor

Depressed Thor

Skip the hammer puns. Let's get to the real question: Do gods play with themselves? Early in his MCU arc, it would have seemed quite out-of-character for Thor to even be aware of such a mortal pastime, but the depressed Thor of Endgame introduced a whole realm of very human hedonism. Thor would either last the whole month without much thought, or he'd give in to defeatism on day one and crank out a thundery one just to get it over with.

Toss-up: Loki

Loki O face

It's still unclear how gods' sexuality functions, but it's hard to imagine a No-Nut scenario in which Loki is not spending all his time tempting and seducing the other characters with sexy illusions. F*cking with people is how he figuratively gets off, and if he fails to last the whole month without getting off literally, it will no doubt be incidental to some sort of Shakespearean bed-trick whereby he's disguised as someone else and returns to himself mid-O face.

Winner: Black Panther

T'Challa is noteworthy for his restraint and self-control. While his romantic life doesn't seem to be lacking in passion, he has been raised to be a level-headed leader and diplomat and would probably have no problem tamping down his impulses for a month, maybe by hanging out with the spooky dead guys on the ancestral-plane. That place seems like a definite boner-killer.

Loser: Star Lord

Peter Quill has vintage tastes. He most likely isn't aware of the perverse wonders of the Internet, but he may still recall an issue of playboy he found in the woods when he was 10. Whatever old school material he has stored in his spank bank is no doubt well-worn, but not nearly as potent as the specialty material at our fingertips today. He can probably last at least a week, but the full month seems like a stretch.

Toss-up: Ant-Man

Scott Lang has spent time in prison, which more or less guarantees that he is well-acquainted with a handheld remedy for boredom. Fortunately, he also has access to the dangerous and unpredictable Quantum Realm, where time can pass at a hyper-accelerated rate. He may choose to spend the month risking his life there, rather than face a full month of abstaining.

And now that we've reached the end of this article...we should probably all re-examine the life choices that brought us here.