FILM

"Bambi" Is Sure to Be the Worst Disney Remake Yet

Why would we want the trauma to be more realistic?

Disney has just announced plans to remake another one of their animated classics as a live-action feature, and it has the potential to be the worst one yet.

As with The Lion King and The Jungle Book, Bambi's cast of characters is made up entirely of animals, so it's bound to present the same problem of unsettling CGI mouths. But unlike those movies, the original Bambi came out in 1942. It's part of Disney's older catalogue of films with forgettable soundtracks and scattered, poorly-paced plots. The animation was innovative for its time, but at this point these older Disney films remain popular primarily through the power of nostalgia and passed along to children when they're too young to know better.



young bambi

No doubt half the people reading this are gasping at the audacity of these claims and recalling Bambi's iconic scenes—the introduction of Thumper and Flower, the terrifying forest fire, and of course the unforgettable death of Bambi's mother. While these scenes are certainly memorable, I doubt anyone protesting could flesh out an outline of Bambi's "story"—to the extent that it has one. Bambi is happy with his mother. Bambi's mother dies because humans are terrible. Bambi meets other animals who help him grow up. The forest burns because humans are terrible. Bambi meets another deer. The end? Happily ever after?

While Bambi has the potential to deliver a potent ecological message, it would need some extensive rewrites to get it ready for adaptation. Maybe that means it will be better than the other remakes—assuming Disney will do a good job with the process. Will they add some songs to try to make it a musical? That might add some interest, but they will certainly have to keep those handful of iconic scenes for it to remain a Bambi movie at all. So ask yourself, does anyone—let alone children—want to see those scenes in a live-action world? Do you want to see a realistic baby deer realizing its mother has been killed by hunters, or realistic animals running in horror from a wildfire? Would you take a child to see that? It might make a generation of vegans, but it would also fuel a massive boom in the mental health industry.

Disney has had a string of box office successes with these remakes. If they want to keep it going, they should probably give up on Bambi.

bambi fire

FILM

Stop Putting Jared Leto in Movies

Morbius is going to suck.

Sony

There's a big problem with the trailer for Morbius, Sony's upcoming Marvel outing that is definitely not part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe even though it has Michael Keaton reprising his role as Vulture (please let us keep our license, Disney!).

See if you can spot it.

MORBIUS - Teaser Trailer www.youtube.com

If you answered, "Sampling Beethoven's 'Für Elise' to line up with blue-tinted action shots is the absolute lowest effort, brain-dead attempt to signify 'gothic vampire movie' in the entire history of movie trailers," you're correct, but that's still not the biggest problem with Morbius. No, the biggest problem is that Morbius is played by Jared Leto.

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MUSIC

Baby Yoda Is Emo, and We Love That

Thanks to the Twitter account @emo_yoda, our favorite galactic infant now comes with your favorite sad tunes.

@emo_yoda on Twitter

By now, we've already discussed in detail why internet celebrity (and my ideal offspring) Baby Yoda is so great, to a degree that he should probably run for president.

A lot of us haven't even watched a single episode of The Mandalorian, the Disney+ Star Wars spinoff that gave Baby Yoda a platform to steal our hearts, but that doesn't mean we can't participate in enjoying memes of the robed green creature. Naturally, many such memes have centered around music, whether little Yoda is bumping "Get Low" from the cockpit of his spaceship or proudly holding Charli XCX's Pop 2 mixtape.

This week, a Twitter account by the username @emo_yoda joined in on the fun for a specific lane of music lovers. In the wake of viral Instagram accounts like "Chandler Holding Ur Fav Album" and "Drake Loves Ur Fav Album," where different album covers are edited into the hands of either Chandler from Friends or Drake from Drake and Josh, @emo_yoda is where your favorite emo, pop-punk, and indie records are all beheld by the baby himself.

It all started a few days ago when Baby Yoda started listening to Modern Baseball's Holy Ghost. While he certainly enjoys the classics—the header photo is Baby Yoda superimposed over the cover photo for American Football's 1999 debut—he enjoys many newer records, as well, like Joyce Manor's Never Hungover Again, Snail Mail's Lush, and PUP's Morbid Stuff. The latter band responded, saying, "Just noticing your profile photo, which is totally f**king unhinged." The photo is unhinged, indeed: a shot of Pope Francis lifting a chalice, except the Pope's face is edited over with PUP frontman Stefan Babcock and the chalice is—you guessed it—Baby Yoda. Imagining Baby Yoda would headbang to PUP or cry to American Football is a true delight, and we're thankful for all iterations of the meme to keep him alive in his adorable glory forever.