I can't believe I'm writing this.
After every Halloween, Pornhub–the Internet's favorite purveyor of smut–releases a post-mortem on their Halloween traffic.
These statistics give deep, dark, and spooky insights into the depths of human culture, because when you really think about it, the things we flick our junk to says a lot about how screwed up we are as a society. So, as a handsome stud who couldn't pass a high school acting class might say to his pretend step-sister, let's dive in.
Pornhub's Halloween Traffic Change chart is nice and simple. It shows that, compared to their average numbers, viewership dipped on Halloween night between 2 PM and 11 PM, with a peak -22% low at 7 PM. These numbers line up well with what one might expect, considering those are the hours during which most people are attending Halloween events or, at the very least, attending to trick-or-treaters.
Then, after 11 PM, when they get home from their parties and the trick-or-treaters have all gone to bed, they begin hog-wrangling or bean-tossing at higher-than-average rates. Certainly on Halloween, people are more likely to see something they wouldn't normally see that turns them on. So what are people searching for?
Oh god. So as it turns out, people really, really, really want to f*ck the DC Universe. Harley Quinn and the Joker topped character searches this year by a pretty huge margin, with only "teacher" trailing close behind. Harley Quinn makes sense, to some extent. Her outfits tend to be traditionally sexy and form-fitting, all midriff-revealing tops, mesh leggings, and spandex.
But how is the Joker sexy? He's a literally insane man, and if we're going by the most recent movie, a clinically depressed one too. Is that attractive to women now? Or maybe it's the clown aspect, because women seem to like those a whole lot, too.
A lot of the other searches are just about what you'd expect––women like cowboys and men like sexy bunnies––but a few of them are very troubling. Like, why are women specifically searching for Michael Myers? He is a masked serial killer in a blue jumpsuit, and Jesus H. Christ, is that what women want? I mean, I understand power fantasies, but the man's entire personality is murdering you.
Men aren't off the hook either. Why would you ever want to fuck a zombie? Zombies aren't sexy. They are hotbeds of decay and disease, and sticking your willie into one would definitely cause you to become infected, too. And that's best case scenario. Worst case scenario, it falls off. Is your pecker falling off part of your zombie sex fantasy, because let's be honest here, that would be the reality.
I'm not trying to kink shame here, but human sexuality is terrifying. Women want to f*ck murderers and men want to f*ck corpses. But okay, these are just costumes, and on Halloween, anything goes, right? So let's talk meat and potatoes. What kind of terms are people searching for on Halloween.
"Halloween pumpkin." There was a 6957% increase in the search for "halloween pumpkin." There is only one possible reason that people would be searching for the term "halloween pumpkin" on Pornhub, and the reason is that they want to watch videos of people f*cking pumpkins. In fact, some people with a lower capacity for subtlety straight up searched for "d*ck pumpkin." How big is the market for pumpkin porn? How many pumpkin porn videos exist? There can't be that many, right? Which means that there might be a real opportunity here for innovative pornographers to serve the apparently severely underrepresented market of people who want to watch dudes bone pumpkins. Is there money in pumpkins? Could I make money from porking pumpkins?
BRB, telling my editor I quit.
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SahBabii, UnoTheActivist and more make up this weeks under appreciated releases
Juice WRLD's posthumous release, Legends Never Die, has already sold over 400,000 copies, putting it in the running for the biggest release of 2020.
Meanwhile, Summer Walker confidently returns with a sleek new E.P., Kid Cudi and Marshall Mathers unite for the first time, James Blake quietly dropped a shadowy new track, and H.E.R. added a splash of reggae flavor to her new track "Do To Me." While it was a big week for the mainstream, it was equally as massive for the underground. Upcoming mumble emcee SahBabii's released an infectious collection of wavy, levitative hip-hop, and the iconic Fresh Veggies duo of Casey Veggies and Rockie Fresh return for their second outing. Check out the latest underground releases below.
Another new song, "Kyoto," is all about astrology, chemtrails, and sadness, and we'd expect nothing less.
Phoebe Bridgers, the astrology-loving wunderkind who solidified her place in indie folk royalty with 2017's Stranger In the Alps, is officially at work on her second album.
"The production is totally different to my first record. People still kind of think of me as like a folk artist, but on the first record, I truly was deferring to other people to produce me," she said. "I basically had these country folk songs. [On the new record] I do a little bit of screaming on what we've recorded so far."
Bridgers has had a busy few years. After a stint opening for Julien Baker, she joined the supergroup Boygenius (with Baker and fellow indie rocker Lucy Dacus), and the trio released an EP. Then she formed a duo with Bright Eyes frontman Conor Oberst called Better Oblivion Community Center, and the two released their debut last year.
She's been pretty quiet about her solo work, but this week she debuted a total of four new songs at various performances. These songs are called "Halloween," "Kyoto," "Garden Song," and "Graceland Too," as far as we know. Bridgers is an incredibly talented lyricist, and these songs show her interweaving modern themes like conspiracy theories and astrology with characteristically devastating refrains.
Phoebe Bridgers - Halloween (Live Debut)  www.youtube.com
While we don't have a date for the next album, judging by these songs, it'll be worth the wait.
boygenius - "Salt In The Wound" (Live at WFUV) www.youtube.com
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