Popdust

This Week in Internet Hell: No, YOU'RE the Black Hole

Black holes, blood suckers, and billionaires who once sold shampoo door-to-door. The Internet is still a void of light and love, but look at this picture of John McAfee's very large dogs.

Creative Market

Yes, there was a ground-breaking development in human technology this past week, yadda yadda.

But predating the Event Horizon Telescope's first picture of a black hole, the Internet's been a visible void of light and love since Al Gore invented it. Meanwhile, we've been waiting with baited breath while one of our beloved writers spent a week with John McAfee in the Bahamas. Now we can confirm that he lived to tell the tale—his skin is peeling and he's existentially fatigued. He probably looks like Jesus did right after he rose from his grave. Speaking of which, let's start counting down to Easter with this week in Internet Hell.

1. John McAfee Dubbed Our Own Popdust Writer Dan Kahan as Jesus Christ

What? Who? How?! Why?! To answer your main question of EXCUSE ME?! here is "The Strange Ballad of John McAfee." No, none of your questions will be answered, which should teach you a lesson about who John McAfee is.

Jesus came for me today. I feared I would have no opportunity to say goodbye, but he was only bringing tidings of… https://t.co/yLvfCp6tmC
— John McAfee (@John McAfee)1554411932.0

Dan was also surrounded by McAfee's assortment of very large dogs. Popdust is happy to confirm that he survived.

Dan Kahan

What's for dinner? https://t.co/58UoAyngIn
— John McAfee (@John McAfee)1554345678.0

2. Someone's Keeping Frederick Douglass Down in Rochester, NY

With a headline that embodies good old American small town ethos while also sounding sad about it, Rochester's Democrat and Chronicle published "That Frederick Douglass statue is down again. Here's why." The actual story entails vandalism, community projects, and (what a surprise!) racism, but the spoiler is that the statue is actually safe and sound for the sake of conservation. I'm sorry we scared you.

Democrat and Chronicle

3. The Center for Disease Control Is a 5th Grade Boy Who Makes Up Bug Games

Ticks can be the size of a poppy seed. Can you spot all 5 ticks in this photo? Learn how to prevent tick bites.… https://t.co/6OZ7tEPJU1
— CDC (@CDC)1525465807.0

For your horror, here are the standalone images:

Brunch Menu: No Tick Muffin $5PBS

Brunch Menu: Tick Muffin $6.75PBS

4. Craigslist Is Full of People Trying to Sell Their Pensions

These posts are not meant to be funny. This is just a fact, and we're very concerned. Perhaps send simple notes to these people filled with non-specific words of encouragement: "I see you," "You are appreciated," "The owner of Patron Tequila used to sell shampoo door-to-door. Anything can happen!"

"I'm looking to sell my monthly pension payment for 1 or 2 years

$6500 up front for $1k for $12 months $12k

Or willing to go 2 years if that helps.

It's a free car payment a month or can help out with the mortgage or rent or a free vacation."

Craigslist - Brooklyn - For Sale - Wanted - By Owner

"Hello

I'm looking to sell my pension payments upfront for
$3000 for 6 months $1000 6k

Payment can Be made into your account every month or cash payment .

Great to save rent or pay for a car for a year or 2 saves you $500 a month."

Craigslist - Long Island - For Sale - Wanted - By Owner

5. The Popdust Awards for Best Black Hole Memes Go to...

Congratulations to Powehi, the newly named first black hole to ever be photographed. The term is a Hawaiian phrase referring to an "embellished dark source of unending creation." While the Internet has exploded with black hole memes, we've spotlighted the two that do the most justice to this momentous occasion in the course of human history:

Instagram vs reality https://t.co/DEeuQ2p5WC
— Royal Institution (@Royal Institution)1554906248.0

Meg Hanson is a Brooklyn-based writer, teacher, and jaywalker. Find Meg at her website and on Twitter @megsoyung.

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Last weekend, a Karen went viral in a since-deleted Tweet for a reason only Karens would empathize with. Jason Vicknair, a 40-year-old man from Allen, Texas, was just trying to enjoy his first date night out in three months with his wife at a Tex-Mex restaurant called Mi Cocina. Things took a turn for the worse.

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this haunts me

CULTURE

This Week in Internet Hell: The "Wokest" News Channel and More Human Feces

A tiny horse, a black dress, and Batman enter your search bar.

VectorStock

Are you under-employed and under-Woke™?

Are you eager to discuss pop culture like Space Ghost and The Outer Limits? Do you say "fuck it" and shit in the park instead of waiting for public restrooms? Then congratulations, you've had a great week on the Internet. Excuse the rest of us while we bounce between enjoying the early spring and feeling like an asshole.

1. Important Quiz about Toledo's Finest News Channel

This could be:

A) Performance art

B) Definitive proof that American exceptionalism is a myth

C) A Chinese psy-op designed to make American youths contemplate suicide

i cannot believe this is my city’s news station...i cannot believe this is real https://t.co/MBfa7Zu5E6
— space goth coast 2 coast 🗡 (@space goth coast 2 coast 🗡)1553710488.0

2. The Crime and Punishment of Being Online

One of this week's shining Twitter Moments updated us on Anna Sorokin, the 28-year-old Soho Grifter who conned her way into New York's social elite by posing as a German heiress. Her lawyer, Todd Spodek, confirmed to GQ this week that he'd hired celebrity stylist Anastasia Walker (known for her work with Courtney Love and G-Eazy) as a "courtroom stylist."

Spodek justified the decision with complete seriousness: "It is imperative that Anna dress appropriately for the trial. Anna's style was a driving force in her business and life, and it is a part of who she is. I want the jury to see that side of her and enlisted a stylist to assist in slecting [sic] the appropriate outfits for trial. However the logistics of dropping off trial outfits at Rikers Island doest [sic] not work in our favor. Thanks."

Anna Sorokin, aka the Soho Grifter, is using a courtroom stylist, GQ reports twitter.com

3. Arnold Schwarzenegger on Instagram

This is a video of Arnold Schwarzenegger chasing a small, thick horse on a small, thick bicycle. He used Tik Tok to make "Should Have Been a Cowboy" the backing track to this inexplicable footage. At the end of the video, Arnie gives the lil' steed a bite of a carrot. Climate change will be irreversible in 11 years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger on Instagram: “Whiskey has a morning fitness routine too. #shouldvebeenacowboy #tiktok”

4. Craigslist Is for (Somewhat Skilled) Writers

Firstly, all the best job ads are posted on Craigslist. Second, all the best Los Angeles job ads are posted on Craigslist: New York. Third, only the most competitive job ads offer "no pay" as compensation for "some" skill.

Craigslist - Manhattan - Gigs - Writing Gigs

"Do you love all things pop culture plus have some writing skill?

We are looking for people who want to take part in the launch of our new content platform. We're a bit like a gamified YouTube that offers videos and blogs.

Our difference is creators can charge micropayments for their content and viewers get automatically rewarded.

We are looking for writers to do:
Best of
Worst of
Show Recaps
Comic/Film/Series/Music analysis and more

We're open to letting you write what your passionate about!

During our beta testing you will receive your name in the byline of the article but no pay.

After beta you'll be able to earn money in two ways:
1. We hire you to keep writing for us
2. You charge micropayments for your articles ($.01 - $.05) and keep 100% of the profit

This is great for people who love to write and want to built an audience on a new platform.

We are based in Los Angeles but you can write from anywhere! If interested please send a little bit about yourself and a writing example that is pop culture based.

Thanks!"

5. Predating the Infamous Florida Man, Beware the Florida Woman

In the case of a "Florida Woman Accused of Spreading Human Feces on Picnic Tables, Grills Before Child's Birthday Party," the Sarasota County Sheriff's Office arrested Heather Carpenter, 41, on charges that she "spread human fecal matter on picnic tables and grills at a local park ahead of a child's birthday party. The act was reportedly in retaliation for a professional dispute at the school where Carpenter worked as a substitute teacher."

Newsweek