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The 7 Most Annoying Christmas Songs Everyone Actually Hates

Nobody actually like Christmas music and you can't convince me otherwise.

Photo by: little plant / Unsplash

Honestly, I don't think anybody actually likes Christmas songs.

The only person I could imagine maybe, possibly, sincerely enjoying Christmas songs is a grandparent who paradoxically claims to love their grandchild but also believes that global warming isn't real, and let's be honest, that demographic doesn't need to be pandered to outside of Fox News. I'm convinced that, as a culture, we keep playing Christmas songs entirely out of obligation to the capitalist idea of Christmas, antithetical to the enjoyment of literally everyone. This makes going anywhere in December an absolute chore, as Christmas music plays everywhere for the entire month. So to work out some of my undying hatred for holiday music, I've decided to dissect seven of the absolute worst Christmas songs that need to be purged from human history (in no particular order). Yes, this is my own personal War on Christmas.

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Jackson 5

Jackson 5 - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (Official Lyrics Video)www.youtube.com

Okay, here's a cool song premise: Imagine a child, right? It's Christmas Eve and he creeps downstairs to try to catch a glimpse of Santa Clause, but he gets a whole lot more than he bargained for. Sure, Santa's there, but you know who else is with him? The little boy's mother! And they're snoggin' and they're smoochin' and the little boy stays to watch. Does it get graphic? Oh yes it does. Mommy tickles Santa Clause and the little boy repeats this fact many times, while imagining how funny it would be if his father was also there to catch his mother cheating. He never explains why it would be funny, but one can assume that, on top of getting off on peeping on his mother's sexual escapades, the boy also enjoys the idea of watching his broken father smack her around. Christians will love this.

2. Dominick the Donkey - Lou Monte

Dominick the Donkeywww.youtube.com

I didn't think it was possible for a white person of a particular ethnic background to commit a hate crime against other white people of the same ethnic background, but lo and behold, "Dominick the Donkey" exists. Sung by Lou Monte, an Italian American singer who betrayed his entire heritage in the 1950s and '60s with a series of Italian-themed novelty records, "Dominick the Donkey" is cloying like a commercial jingle, and also very, very racist. The chorus features Lou Monte shouting, "jingity-jing / It's Dominick the Donkey" in an accent that can only be described as a very bad impression of a man flipping a pizza. He also makes "Hee Haw" noises, which is frankly just horrible. I still don't know exactly what "jingity-jing" means, but I wouldn't say it out loud anywhere in Little Italy.

3. Wonderful Christmas Time - Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Timewww.youtube.com

Look, I'm not going to denigrate Paul McCartney's legendary songwriting ability for the purpose of a quip, but holy hell, "Wonderful Christmas Time" is a hollow heap of nothing. How did the same guy who wrote "Let it Be" also write, "Simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime / We're simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime?" Who cares what kind of Christmastime you're having, Paul? What about me when I hear your sh*ttiest song a billion times every December? Do you think I'm simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime, you big, talented sell out? Spoiler: I'm not, and it's at least one seventh your fault.

4. Little Drummer Boy - Pentatonix

[Official Video] Little Drummer Boy - Pentatonixwww.youtube.com

I already hate the "Little Drummer Boy" song for literally every reason that anyone could hate anything, but Pentatonix's rendition is particularly egregious. I'm actually having a hard time picturing a worse experience than watching these cheesing weiners sing "Little Drummer Boy" a cappella on a hillside cityscape in what appears to be warm weather. Also, I'm not trying to single anyone out here, but when that dude in the orange beanie with try-hard earrings sings, "Little Baby/ Pa rum pum pum pum," I get the sense that there's some weird baby Jesus fetish stuff going on in his head and I don't like it one bit.

5. Mistletoe - Justin Bieber

YouTubewww.youtube.com

Back before Justin Bieber was VERY Christian, he was just Christian enough to sell little girls on the idea that he'd be waiting to ravage them under the mistletoe while still assuring their parents that he probably wouldn't go past second base. The result was "Mistletoe," a generic early 2010s tween ballad filled with vaguely religious references to "wise men" and "miracles" that take a backseat to Bieber asserting: "I don't wanna miss out on the holiday / But I can't stop staring at your face." I realize that making fun of teen Bieber might be low-hanging fruit, but the notion that this f*cker is going to literally miss an entire holiday because he's too busy staring at my face is ludicrous. I'm a 28-year-old man. What is Justin Bieber hoping to get out of this exchange with me? This is never going to happen. Go back to your family, kiddo.

6. All I Want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carey

Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas Is You (Official Music Video)www.youtube.com

There are overplayed songs, and then there's Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You." To call this song "overplayed" would be doing language a disservice. It's so bad and so frequent that the song gets trapped in your brain long past Christmas, rearing its ugly head in the middle of April to remind you that Mariah Carey is still stalking you. And while it's hard to say whether or not "All I Want For Christmas Is You" is, indeed, reflective of Mariah Carey's own belief system, the premise of a grown woman begging a fictional, obese winter demon to kidnap you to fulfill her weird diaper fetish is...worrisome. After all, what other interpretation could there possibly be for lyrics like this: "Santa won't you bring me / The one I really need / Won't you please bring my baby to me quickly." Get help, Mariah.

7. Last Christmas - Wham!

Wham! - Last Christmas (Official Video)www.youtube.com

As someone who loathes every Christmas song in existence on sheer principle, naturally, I also despise "Last Christmas." Like everything else on this list, it's just another generic holiday earworm tailor-made to milk the grandma market for everything they're worth. I can just imagine a little old biddy with her holiday sweater and her knitting needles cranking up the volume for empty lyrics like, "Now, I know what a fool I've been / But if you kissed me now, I know you'd fool me again."

Wait. That's actually kind of good. I mean, to be honest, I like Wham! a lot, and I'd fight anyone who tries to say that George Michael isn't one of the best singers to have ever lived. But this is a Christmas song, and by design, Christmas songs are frosted dogsh*t. However, I will concede that the underlying synth track is really solid, and listening to it again, I had the inclination to see if anyone turned it into Vaporwave. Sure enough, they did.

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Still, this is a Christmas song, and therefore no good. And yet...

And yet, there's such depth in these lyrics: "A crowded room, friends with tired eyes / I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice."

I can picture myself attending the same Christmas party as George Michael. I'm on one side of the table, he's on the other. I quickly glance over, nonchalant, and he's staring at me with his piercing hazel eyes, his hair perfectly feathered like a mythical bird. My brain flashes in tableau to memories that perhaps never really happened. George Michael and I are rolling in the snow. George Michael and I are sipping hot cocoa by a warm fireplace. George Michael and I accidentally wear matching sweaters to Christmas dinner, but it's okay because we love how similarly the two of us think. Snap to reality. George Michael is still staring. There's pain in those eyes. Someone hurt George Michael. I don't know who, but all I want, with all my soul, is to take his pain away. Yes, George Michael, this Christmas I will take your heart. More importantly, once I have it, I will always protect it. Oh my god, I love "Last Christmas."

From Your Site Articles

Lil Peep's "Everybody's Everything" Is Haunted by What His Life Could’ve Been

His new album and documentary are full of ghosts.

Lil Peep: Everybody’s Everything (Documentary)

www.youtube.com

You can feel nostalgia for lost futures running through every note and lyric of Lil Peep's music, memorialized today on the massive compilation album Everybody's Everything.

Even while he was alive, his music was heavy with a sense of doom, always colored by a longing for a different mind and a different world.

Doom was part of his brand. He seemed allergic to his own mind and kinetically drawn to death; he appeared in a coffin on his last album, Come Over When You're Sober, Part 1. On his song "ghost boy" he sings, "When you are on your own / Just know that I love you / I won't pick up the phone / Just know that I need you." Though he sang those words while he was alive, they sound like a cry from beyond the veil, a futile attempt at making contact.

Witchblades and Rockstars: Lil Peep's Raw Honesty

Lil Peep always made music like he wasn't afraid to die, like every song could've been his last. Always, there was a sense of urgency, a throb to the basslines and a desperation to his voice that made it sound raw and real even when played through clusters of filters. The same went for his lyrics, which constantly veered between being laundry lists of vices and spurts of raw confession. "In high school I was a loner / I was a reject, I was a poser," he says on "witchblades," another song that toes the line between almost absurd performative artifice and moments of startling honesty. "I swear I mean well. I'm still going to hell."

When you listen to Lil Peep, you dive into a universe of pure id. The emotions are undistilled, dark and shrouded in decay, but they often veer towards surprising earnestness. From the start, Lil Peep was always honest about his desire to love and be loved, to be remembered and to do no harm to others.

Lil Peep - Text Me (ft. Era) (Official Audio)www.youtube.com

A lot of his songs rely on pop chord progressions and camp, which adds a sense of wide-eyed innocence to the music. That can feel like a kindness amidst the wilderness of all the binges and death, an eye in the storm of bass and hyper-processing. The same goes for his lyrics—he'll sound like a jaded old soul, but every once in a while his youth shows its face, or a wildly cheesy line will pop out of nowhere. "I'm a real rockstar," he says in "Rockstars," and you remember he's just a kid who fell into the vortex of Los Angeles. Of course, it wound up swallowing him.

A Portrait of Gen-Z Counterculture: Xanax, Social Media, and SoundCloud Clout

Throughout his short life, Peep struggled with anxiety and drug addiction, both of which made it difficult for him to connect to others. He took Xanax and other drugs to escape, and his music is a kind of map of the internal anxieties (and external methods of self-medication) that seem to define much of Gen-Z. There's a constant oscillation between overdose and withdrawal, a desire to feel everything and then a desire to escape it all.

Peep's short life, as chronicled on Everybody's Everything, is perhaps as good a portrait of the emotions of young people in 2017 as anything else in pop culture today. In the social media dimension, users are confronted with images of death and apocalypse, posted right alongside artificial visions of glory and glamour. Naturally, conflicting emotions like guilt, crushing realities, and illusions blur together in technicolor on every feed, just as they do on every Peep song.

Fortunately, Peep was a capable musician, capable of spinning these emotions into cohesive, hypnotic gestalt. "Text Me" is a fragile and spacey guitar ballad that will speak to children of the digital age as well as anyone who's ever felt a sense of longing for something they couldn't quite reach. "Belgium" is another song about disconnect that threads dreamy synths with a pounding, heady rhythm. Still, some of his best songs remain unreleased, like the impossibly dreamy "lose my mind," the woozily dark "The Way I See Things," and the anthemic "Broken Smile."

LiL PEEP - The Way I See Thingswww.youtube.com

Kurt Cobain and the Legacy of Fallen Stars

Peep is perpetually compared to Kurt Cobain, another star who struggled with depression and drugs and died too young. The Nirvana frontman was well-known for his hyper-sensitivity and empathy, which made it hard for him to live in the real world. The same could be said of Lil Peep, who posted a series of desperate captions on Instagram in the months and days leading up to his death. The day before he died, he wrote, "I just wanna be everybody's everything."

However, it's now almost certain that Peep didn't commit suicide. He died at 21 from an accidental fentanyl overdose, before he had the chance to fill arenas (as he certainly would have), before his sadness could mature and crystallize, before his music could ripen, and before he could make deeper connections and develop his burgeoning social consciousness. Because of this, his body of work will always be incomplete. Even so, Everybody's Everything is strong on its own, but even more so when you realize it's a skeleton. These songs are graveyards, haunted by everything that could've been.

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That's also part of why, in spite of the care that was clearly put into curating the album and documentary, it's still hard to listen to them without wondering if they sound how Peep would've wanted them to, or if he would've wanted them released at all.

Haunted Futures

Sometimes, though, it's hard not to feel like Peep knew his fate. On "haunt u," one of his many unreleased songs, he sings, "I could live forever if I want to / I could stop time / but I never wanna do that again." He's aware that he could fill arenas, stop the world in its tracks, but he doesn't want that kind of power. Ironically, it's so easy to imagine that song filling outdoor amphitheaters and to envision fans' cellphone lights waving along like stars.

The theorist Mark Fisher coined the term "hauntology" to describe any feeling of "nostalgia for lost futures," emphasizing that usually, the loss of faith in a future—the belief that we've reached some kind of end of history—is involved in holding these futures back from becoming real. In this way, Lil Peep's vision of his fate became a self-fulfilling prophecy. "When I die, I'mma haunt you," he sings at the end of "haunt u." Few promises have been better kept.

lil peep - haunt u [extended w/lyrics]www.youtube.com

lil peep - star shopping (prod. kryptik)www.youtube.com