While we're admittedly disappointed by the lack of nipples featured in Season 8, Episode 2 of Game of Thrones, we're really over-the-moon about Arya's unexpected sexual dominance over that filthy, filthy blacksmith. Sure, we didn't get any particularly unexpected moments or well-written dialogue, but we did get plenty of unnecessary exposition! As usual, we're left with more questions than answers.

Is Sansa going to be disappointed by Theon's lack of equipment?

What were we supposed to have gathered from that long gaze between Sansa and Theon? Are they about to apocalypse bang? Isn't he kind of gross? Doesn't he lack the necessary equipment to make that happen? How does Joe Jonas feel about this?

Is this an allegory for climate change or is it just zombies vs. dragons from the mind of someone who stopped emotionally developing at 13?

There is absolutely an argument to be made that there are some pretty high-minded metaphors going on in this wet dream of a TV show, but there is also convincing evidence that a dragon vs. ice zombie fight with an HBO budget is going to be the coolest thing anyone's ever seen. So, honestly, who cares if the world is ending?

Why did they try to copy that scene from Lord of the Rings where Pippin sings while Faramir gets shot?

Pippin's Song: Edge of Night (LOTR) HQ + Subs/Lyricswww.youtube.com

Yes, a haunting ballad is an excellent backing track to a significant plot moment, but that doesn't mean you can just straight up steal from Peter Jackson. Sure, the man desecrated his reputation with The Hobbit movies, but we still owe him at least a shred of respect for the way that grape tomato represented Faramir's life!

Why didn't Jon or Dany mention the incest elephant in the room?

Yeah, we get it, Dany is supposed to be all power hungry now and we're all questioning her ability to lead, she's complicated, WE GET IT. But seriously, not a single mention of the fact that Aunt's usually don't have passionate boat sex with their nephews? Nothing?

Arya has boobs?

In theory, we knew this. But I don't think we really knew until today. How do we feel about this? Honestly, kind of like we saw our cousin naked. But then again, in Westeros, that's not really a big deal.

Why did Jon stay in the crypt the whole time?

So we hate to say it, because there is no question that the man broods deliciously, but is Jon...getting boring? You're really going to spend the whole damn day with your dead relatives underground instead of fucking your hot aunt before you turn into a zombie?

Is Jaime...a feminist?

Sure, Hillary lost the election but Brienne was knighted.

Will the white walker dragon breathe dry ice?!

This isn't even a question. If the white walker dragon doesn't blow ice into his dragon brother's fire so that the two elements mix in the air to create a magnificent, high budget explosion, we're cancelling our HBO subscriptions.

Can we PLEASE just see Jon Snow's butt again?

That's it. That's the whole question. There is no farther explanation needed.

Is Bran...okay?

We get it, you're spooky now, but my god the room-clearing one liners are getting out of hand.

Is Tormund saying "suckled at her teet" the worst or best line ever uttered on this god forsaken television program?

First of all, Tormund is a gift. Second of all, did he get any of that beer in his mouth?

As always, valar morgulis, nerds. Check out the trailer for episode 3 below!

Game of Thrones | Season 8 Episode 3 | Preview (HBO)www.youtube.com



Brooke Ivey Johnsonis a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.


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HBO/BSkyB/Kobal/Shutterstock

Last night, the whole world could be heard simultaneously screaming "DUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUM" at their televisions or laptops as HBO's Game of Thrones premiered for its eighth and final season.

The iconic series once again offered viewers an incredible opening sequence, some truly meme-able moments, and a decent excuse to drink heavily on a Sunday night. Many people felt the episode included too much exposition and hardly any new information, but that doesn't mean that we weren't left with plenty of questions to haunt us while battling our Monday morning hangovers.

WARNING: Spoilers ahead.

Does Daenerys...kind of suck now?

Usually, we would say that anyone who makes Sam Tarly cry deserves to spend some time in Ramsay Bolton's lair of castration, but when the perpetrator is Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons, we're left with mixed feelings. On one hand, she's arguably the best character on the show and her ever-changing hairstyles alone excuse her every wrongdoing, but on the other, she didn't even apologize for murdering Sam's whole family. How can we not kind of root against anyone cold-hearted enough to stand passive in the face of sweet Sam's trembling lower lip? Plus, add all the times she had to be talked out of genocide last season, and you start to wonder if maybe Season 8 will feature a mad queen before it's all said and done.

Is Bran the baddest mother fucker in Westeros?

Every line out of Bran's expressionless mouth during episode one was absolute gold. Imagine meeting someone for the first time and interrupting her bitch-off with your sister with something simple and pleasant like, "The Night King has Dany's dragon. The Wall has fallen. The dead march south." And then later, "Oh me? What am I doing? Oh, just waiting for an old friend. An old friend who I caught in the act of incest so he pushed me out a window paralyzing me forever and making me a spooky ghost boy, in fact."

Is Cersei sleeping with Euron somehow creepier than when she slept with her twin brother in the presence of their incest child's corpse?

Yes. Yes it is.

Oh wait, is Sansa the baddest mother fucker in Westeros?

Name a more iconic exit line than, "I used to think you were the cleverest man in the world." Plus, her new lady of the North looks?! Hell. Yes.

Was that a sly reference to the bizarre season 7 Ed Sheeran cameo?

When Bronn is hanging out with the prostitutes (which seemed to serve little purpose beyond HBO straining to include their requisite number of boobs) the women have the following exchange: "That boy Eddie." "The ginger?" "That's him." "Came back with his face burnt off." "He's got no eyelids now." "How does he sleep with no eyelids?" Hmm…

How old is Tyrian?

Tyrion, Varys, and Ser Davos watch Jon and Dany from afar and contemplate the possibility of the two getting married. When the comment is made, "Why would they listen to old men?" Tyrian retorts that he isn't old. Which brings up the question...how old is he? How old is anyone? Is it Hollywood magic or the lack of sun in the north that has kept Jon Snow looking like a brooding 23-year-old for the last eight seasons? Is Dany 16 or 34? How long do dragons live? Does evil increase the skin's collagen production, explaining Cersei's youthful glow? HBO we need some birth certificates!

Can we collectively sue HBO for that F*%KING jump scare?

What's scarier than a dead little boy speared to a wall surrounded by a swirl of disembodied limbs? A SCREAMING, FLAMING DEAD BOY SPEARED TO A WALL SURROUNDED BY A SWIRL OF DISEMBODIED LIMBS THAT ARE ALSO ON FIRE.

Does Arya...like boys?

I mean, not to like, make assumptions about someone's sexuality but...um…*cough*...we were pretty surprised by Arya's loving looks to Gendry, because, erm, well...we kind of maybe thought she was...a les– very committed warrior who didn't have time for love connections.

Can Jon Snow be burned?

We know that part of Khaleesi's whole thing is that she's the "unburned," which is part of why she can hang out with fire breathing monsters without breaking a sweat. If Jon really is a Targaryen, does that mean he also can't be burnt? Can you be a true Targaryen/dragon king if you can't spend the occasional night inside a funeral pyre?

Hopefully, all of these questions and more will soon be answered. Until then, check out the trailer for season 8 episode 2. Valar Morghulis, nerds.

Game of Thrones | Season 8 Episode 2 | Preview (HBO)youtu.be


Brooke Ivey Johnsonis a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.


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#ForTheThrone | Game of Thrones (HBO)

Get your fur cloaks ready, HBO has finally announced that the eighth and final season of Game of Thrones will premiere in April of 2019. The news of an April release date is a welcome surprise for fans who had to wait until July last year for Season 7 to air.

#ForTheThrone | Game of Thrones (HBO)youtu.be

The network broke the news with a promotional video showing a montage of exciting moments from the past seven seasons. It ominously ends with Jon Snow saying, "There is only one war that matters, and it is here," before cutting to an image of the White Walkers. While we're all really just hoping for some more Jon and Khaleesi action, fans can rest assured that there are some epic battle scenes in their future.

The final season of the popular show will consist of six movie-length episodes, and hopefully some plot resolutions to assuage fan's fears that there's just too much to wrap up in such a short period of time. Luckily, no matter what season 8 brings, we can take comfort in the fact that HBO has already ordered a pilot for a new show set in the GOT universe.


Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.


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