Basically, just don't defend alleged pedophiles.
Hey Jeff Goldblum, it's me, your new PR guy. Your last one had a family emergency, but don't worry, he totally didn't off himself in the fifth floor bathroom over his top client's inane media fumble.
Speaking of which, Jeff, what were you thinking? You're promoting a jazz album. Quintessential cool dad Jeff Goldblum leading a jazz band called The Mildred Snitzer Orchestra should, quite frankly, be the easiest sell in PR history. So why, in the ever-loving name of Jesus H. Christ, would you randomly say you'd work with Woody Allen again in spite of long-standing allegations that he sexually abused a child? What the hell were you hoping to accomplish?
Look, assuming there's another interview on the horizon, and I'm honestly not sure if there will be––you might be totally canceled buddy, I really don't know––I want to help you find some better talking points about your jazz album that don't involve defending an alleged pedophile. Here are some suggestions:
1. You could, you know, just talk about being a cool, quirky dude who loves jazz music.
That's your whole shtick. You got your big frame glasses and your off-kilter swagger. You play the piano. You're freaking Jeff Goldblum. This should sell itself. WHY WOULD YOU DEFEND WOODY ALLEN WHILE PROMOTING YOUR F*CKING JAZZ ALBUM?
Sorry, I lost it there for a second, didn't mean to yell at you, Jeffy, baby. I'm under a lot of pressure trying to make sure your entire brand isn't sunk, so bear with me. Let's explore some other talking points.
2. Talk about playing Dr. Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park.
Just talk about that, okay? Try looking in the mirror and saying, "Hey, I'm Jeff Goldblum. I played Dr. Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park, and now I'm releasing a new jazz album featuring Miley Cyrus. Did you know I play the piano? I do, because I'm cool, quirky Jeff Goldblum."
See? It's not that hard. Not once did that pitch include defending child predator Woody Allen who has been all but entirely blacklisted from Hollywood.
3. Give your opinion on Martin Scorsese's opinion on Marvel movies.
If you really wanted to drum up some controversy around your jazz album, why not just join the ongoing hubbub around Martin Scorsese saying Marvel movies aren't cinema? It's a great topic, because everybody's talking about it for some reason, but let's be honest, nobody actually cares. You were in Thor: Ragnarok, so this is a literal no-brainer. Get in there, hit the zeitgeist, bang, boom, and get out.
Just say: "Hey, I'm Jeff Goldblum, I was in Thor: Ragnarok, and Martin Scorsese is wrong because it's a decent movie, and check out my new jazz album," and that's it. End it there. Don't conclude with, "The #MeToo movement is great, but I also think this one possible pedophile should really have his career salvaged." DO NOT DO THAT.
Then, people will write headlines like "Jeff Goldblum Joins the Marvel Cinema Debate and Has New Jazz Album" instead of "Jeff Goldblum Throws His Lot in with Alleged Pedophile Woody Allen."
4. Make dad jokes.
You had so much goodwill built up, Jeff. The public loves you. You can just make a bunch of goofy dad jokes during an interview and people will eat that sh*t up. This should be so easy. God, why are you doing this to me, Jeff?
5. Literally, talk about ANYTHING other than how you'd still work with Woody Allen, even though he was accused of molesting his 7-year-old daughter.
Look, even if you would be willing to work with Woody Allen, again, in spite of the accusations (I have no idea why you'd want to do that to your career, but okay, for argument's sake, let's say you do), keep that sh*t to yourself. Any statement that begins with, "I support the MeToo movement, but…" is going to be a PR nightmare right now.
How are you failing to grasp this? We're in the midst of a cultural reckoning for rich, powerful men using their positions to sexually abuse people and continually being covered for and propped up by the industries that profit from them. You are a rich, powerful, white man. There is no "but…" from you. If you have a "but…," use it to sit the f*ck down, shut up, and listen. Maybe then, we wouldn't be dealing with you getting canceled during the press junket for a freaking jazz album.
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In the wake of one of the most dramatic scenes of protest in American history, disinformation is blending with genuine fear
Over the weekend, amid nationwide protests of police brutality sparked by the killing of George Floyd, demonstrators in D.C. clashed with secret service and police outside the White House.
It was a dramatic scene that involved fires being set in the basement of historic St. John church—among widespread arson—and the exterior White House lights being turned off as President Donald Trump was moved into lockdown in the the White House Bunker. But by Monday morning the real events had been swallowed up in the heightened narrative of the supposed D.C. blackout, which claimed that all communication from the area of the protests had been shut down since around 1:00 AM.
A list of dream collaborators.
After a year of battling for the right to continue to appropriate the stories and identities of people of color and LGBTQ+ individuals, Scarlett Johansson has once again made headlines for a controversial opinion.
This time, the Avengers actress is facing backlash for saying that she continues to "love" and "believe" Woody Allen, despite accusations of sexual abuse made against him by his adopted daughter, Dylan Farrow. "I love Woody," she told The Hollywood Reporter. "I believe him, and I would work with him anytime. I see Woody whenever I can, and I have had a lot of conversations with him about it. I have been very direct with him, and he's very direct with me. He maintains his innocence, and I believe him."
So, in the spirit of this radical acceptance, we've compiled a list of some dream collaborators for the Ghost in The Shell actress!
1. Harvey Weinstein
What better person to bring Johansson's dream of playing a tree to the big screen than the notorious Hollywood producer accused of sexual misconduct by 87 women! Like Allen, Weinstein also denied all allegations against him, meaning he meets Johansson's criteria for innocence.
2. Roman Polanksi
Johansson seems to look for two things in her friends: a talent for filmmaking and an affinity for raping children. Who does that remind you of?! That's right: Roman Polanski, of course. Unfortunately, Johansson would have to travel to France to work with Polanski, who currently resides there as a fugitive from America after pleading guilty to his crimes. Oh, but then he wrote about them in graphic detail in his autobiography Roman by Polanski (Yes, that's really the title). Woody Allen supposedly pitched a memoir to publishers earlier this year, obviously modeling his life and crimes off the life and crimes of the Rosemary's Baby director.
3. Shane Dawson
In the age of the internet, the lines between types of media are becoming blurrier and blurrier. Why confine a talented and morally upstanding actress like Johansson to merely collaborating with big names in the film industry? Shane Dawson, a Youtuber who caught heat for posting a video in black face long after society knew better (oh, and possibly having sex with his cat), is the perfect mixture of sexually perverse and racially insensitive to work well with Scar Jo!
4. Bryan Singer
While Singer is known for his sexual preference for teenage boys instead of teenage girls (as is Allen's preference), Johansson would probably still be up for collaborating with the Usual Suspects director. After all, Singer also maintains his innocence, meaning that despite the many, many credible sources who have accused Singer of assault, Johansson would probably consider him 100% innocent!
5. James Toback
'The Private Life Of A Modern Woman' photocall, 74th Venice Film Festival, Italy - 03 Sep 2017 Maria Laura Antonelli/REX/Shutte
According to the Los Angeles Times, Toback, who has directed over a dozen films including Bugsy and The Pickup Artist, has been accused of sexual misconduct by over 200 women, who allege the director frequently lured women back to hotel rooms for "auditions and interviews," interactions that ended, according to many of the women interviewed, with Toback rubbing up against them or playing with himself in front of them and ultimately reaching climax. But once again, Toback has maintained that he never even met any of his accusers, making him fair game for a Scar Jo collab!
6. Muammar Gaddafi
The notorious Libyan dictator is deceased, so Johansson won't be able to work with him directly, but what's stopping her from starring in an autobiographical film of his life? She can play a Middle Eastern character, no problem! Gaddafi was known for kidnapping girls as young as 14 to imprison and repeatedly rape for years on end. But hey, his government continually denied these accusations, so Johansson would probably get along with him fine!
Sure, the devil is accused of a great many misdeeds by a great many people. Jesus himself said, "He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him." But hey, that's just one guy's opinion! I wonder what ol' firey Fred would have to say for himself if he was just given a chance to speak back against all this ridiculous PC culture. Chances are that he would maintain he's had nothing to do with all the famine, war, natural disasters, genocides, rape, plagues, Hollywood's existence, or rampant cultural appropriation by white women. Therefore, Scarlett Johansson would probably "love" and "believe" Lucifer, if given the chance.
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