When Mark Zuckerberg testified before Congress last Wednesday on the topic of Facebook's planned cryptocurrency, Libra, the consensus was more or less what we've come to expect: Zuckerberg sucks.

From his awful new haircut to the way he began every response with "Congressman" or "Congresswoman" to his inability to answer basic questions about the inner workings of his company, he came out of the hearing just as he came out of high school—as the resounding loser.

He failed to make a strong case for Libra, and he also made it clear that he is not taking Facebook's role in politics seriously. He likes the current business model, because it keeps making him richer, and he'd much rather keep it the way it is than try to make it into something beneficial for society—or even just less detrimental.

AOC grills Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg on Cambridge Analytica and campaign adswww.youtube.com

There were a number of congresspeople whose adversarial interactions with the wax-model-turned-CEO earned them praise online. Perhaps none more so than freshman congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, whose sharp, relentless questioning left Zuckerberg blinking even more blankly than usual. But the true beauty of this moment was not fully understood until Twitter user @peepsalum posted a still from the hearing wherein AOC's passion showed in her face as well as her hand gestures.

Twitter was soon overtaken by Italian AOC memes that spilled onto Reddit and the rest of the internet.

They primarily play on stereotypes of Italian culture, food, and speech patterns—with some politics and Godfather mixed in. And as soon as every Italian on Earth comes together to tell me that they're offensive, I'll stop laughing...

So whatever else you do with your life to contribute to the downfall of society, thank you, Mark Zuckerberg, for bringing me a new favorite meme.

Scrooged

Why does Bill Murray want to work at the P.F. Chang's in the Atlanta Airport?

In his recent appearance on Amy Schumer's podcast 3 Girls 1 Keith, Murray expressed his admiration for that specific branch of the "Chinese" restaurant chain, remarking that it's "one of the great places."

Trip Advisor

Anyone who's eaten at a P.F. Chang's can see the issue with this statement, and if you never have, you can simulate the experience at home with their range of microwaveable frozen meals. At best, it's an underwhelming pastiche of east Asian cuisine. At worst, it's an underpaid service job in the world's busiest airport. Is Bill Murray just being his wacky, random self, inserting himself into random contexts to the surprise and delight of strangers? Or maybe you think he was making some ironic commentary on the hellish existence of corporate service employment. No, no, and wrong. Bill Murray knows something that we don't about Concourse A of the Atlanta Airport.

Think about it. For decades, conspiracy theories have swirled around the Denver International Airport, which is supposedly a hub for the elite secret society known as The Illuminati. But why would this secretive organization make their home so obvious? One of the DIA's most notable landmarks is a 30-foot demonic horse that killed its creator. That is just way too on the nose. The only reason to mark your secret evil lair with such an ostentatious sign of evilness is if that's not your real evil hangout spot at all.

Thrillist

The DIA is just the distraction to keep us from looking too closely at the real evil airport. Bill Murray has given us the key. He didn't say that the P.F. Chang's there is a great place. He said it's "One of the Great Places." It's time to go full-on Jeff Goldblum-in-Independence Day and crack this conspiracy wide open.

First, the evidence: Coca-Cola and CNN. I dare you to think of two organizations more aligned with elite global power than those. And where are they headquartered? New York? LA? Denver? No. They're both in Atlanta! We've already covered that Atlanta's airport is the busiest in the entire world, with more than 50 million travelers passing through each year. How else would you hide the dark, illicit activity of the Illuminati headquarters, if not through a constant flurry of human activity? ATL is also the hub for Delta Airlines—a famously evil company—and Delta is the triangular Greek symbol for change, as in: "the Illuminati uses the Delta Sky Club in Concourse A of the Atlanta Airport as the control center for changing the course of global events."

Next, Bill Murray. He does whatever he wants at all times and seems to be fully immune to cancellation. He's done some genuinely terrible stuff, yet the whole world loves to fawn over him. Is all that adulation just good will left over from Caddy Shack and other movies where he attempts to murder large burrowing rodents? Impossible. The only answer is that he controls his reputation as a member of the Illuminati, with access to all the Elite Powers and Great Places that membership entails.

And finally P.F. Chang's. Other than the fact that it's not the real name of any person ever, and must therefore stand for Powerful Forces (of) Chang(e), what's suspicious about this location in particular? How about the fact that it opens at 6:30 AM? Every other location I've found is closed before 11:00 AM. Who in the world wants to eat bad fake Chinese food pre-dawn? Not even bad fake Chinese people want that. There must be another purpose!

At this point the only explanation should be obvious, but I'll spell it out so the Powers That Be know that I'm watching them: The P.F. Chang's in the Atlanta International Airport contains a secret entrance into the Illuminati's subterranean headquarters, and Bill Murray was expressing his desire to move up in the ranks and gain access to the highest levers of power. We'll have to wait and see how Beyonce and Zuckerberg and Jonathan Taylor Thomas choose to respond.