Satire

Steven Mnuchin Can Give Greta Thunberg Life Advice After He Becomes Human

He's in Davos this week, deflecting questions and smelling with his tongue.

United States Treasury Secretary and noted lizard-person Steven Mnuchin was confronted about Greta Thunberg's policy proposals at the World Economic Forum in Davos this week.

Thunberg was in attendance at the event, advocating for divestment from fossil fuels as a minimal necessary measure to prevent a global climatic cataclysm, admonishing the all-powerful attendees to "act as if you loved your children above all else." Mnuchin, like all reptilians, can sense infrared radiation using pit organs above his mouth, but he has no capacity for love. So when a reporter sought Mnuchin's perspective on the financial ramifications of not destroying the planet, Mnuchin deflected the question, preferring to offer misguided life advice while his nictitating membranes—the translucent extra eyelids that protect his retinas from adverse conditions—slid across his eyes.

Nictitating membrane

"Is she the chief economist, or who is she? I'm confused," the secretary said, snatching a fly out of the air with one flick of his agile tongue before continuing, "After she goes and studies economics in college she can come back and explain that to us." Mnuchin, of course, studied human economics at Yale, where he was a member of the famous lizard-person club Skull and Bones. After graduating, he proved his economic expertise by executive producing 2016's Collateral Beauty, but prior to his time at Yale he would have been unfamiliar with human society—having spent most of that early period inside a leathery egg beneath the heat lamp that ensured he would hatch as a male. Thus he may not realize that young humans like Thunberg are cognizant of the world around them and the ways in which their future is being pillaged.

Further adding to the disconnect is the fact that Mnuchin is cold-blooded, meaning his activity level is subject to the ambient temperature. Given that Davos, Switzerland is cold this time of year, his thinking was likely too slow to provide a proper response. If he'd been allowed half an hour to sprawl out on a heat rock before answering questions, then he might have pointed out that avoiding a sharp spike in global temperature is not really in his best interest. While rubbing up against a brick wall to assist in the process of sloughing off his outermost layer of skin, he would probably have mentioned that he prefers a warm climate.

This might come across as heartless, but Mnuchin's lizard brain is not really capable of empathy, so expecting him to care about the billions of people who will suffer as a result of catastrophic climate change is not really fair. Fortunately, there are scientists studying the possibility of transplanting a new brain into an existing skull. If that technology ever progresses to the point where Mnuchin could actually become human, he might then have some basis to offer Greta Thunberg life advice. Until then, he should probably stick to having a single cloacal opening to handle both waste excretion and sexual reproduction.

To her credit, Thunberg seems to understand Mnuchin's limitations and offered him this sensitive and informative response on Twitter: "My gap year ends in August, but it doesn't take a college degree in economics to realise that our remaining 1,5° carbon budget and ongoing fossil fuel subsidies and investments don't add up… So either you tell us how to achieve this mitigation or explain to future generations and those already affected by the climate emergency why we should abandon our climate commitments."

Culture News

Piers Morgan vs. Rudy Giuliani Is the "Godzilla vs. Mothra" of Our Era

They are two masters at the top of their game—their game just happens to be making fools of themselves.

Once in a generation two titans in their fields go toe-to-toe in a battle that will echo through the ages.

Ali vs. Frazier. Venus vs. Serena. Kasparov vs. Topalov. Now we have a new match to mark down in the annals of history. Not between two great athletes or cunning strategists, but between two of the most unflappably obnoxious ghouls the world of TV punditry has ever known: Rudy Giuliani and Piers Morgan.

In interview after interview they have each proven themselves incapable of allowing others to speak or of recognizing when they're making asses of themselves. No call for civility or reminder of their contradictions will convince either of these mythic figures to back down, apologize, or allow someone else to finish a thought. To see such paragons of interruption and phony outrage sparring over President Trump's disgusting handling of the George Floyd protests—shouting over each other through a delayed video feed—is like watching Baryshnikov and Nureyev stomping on each other's toes.

Keep Reading Show less
CULTURE

7 People Besides Greta Thunberg Who Need Donald Trump's "Anger Management" Advice

Why are these people always getting mad about major societal injustices?

AP

In the wake of Time Magazine's selection of Greta Thunberg as their "Person of the Year", critics of science, ice caps, and the existence of youth have come out of the woodwork to criticize the choice.

She's a scold! A puppet! She's "mentally ill!" She's too young to have anything of value to say! But perhaps none have had more trenchant criticisms of Thunberg than the two Donald Trumps, both Junior and Senile. Don Jr. lashed out at Time for overlooking the Hong Kong protesters, a common thread among critics of Time's choice.

After all, the protests have been going on for more than six months now, and they give Americans an excuse to ignore the protests in the Middle East and Latin America—which implicate US foreign policy—and focus on the crimes of mainland China and the thank you messages to Trump. Instead of honoring the people who honored his father, Time Magazine devoted their cover to, in Junior's words, "a marketing gimmick."

trump jr. Astute

It's unclear which marketing department came up with Greta Thunberg. The planet's? Generations-of-people-yet-to-be-born's? Whatever Madison Avenue genius came up with an impassioned teenage girl with Asperger's trying to save the world, give that guy the Don Draper award for clever gimmicks. Bravo. Never would've thought of it myself.

Not to be outdone though, President Trump tweeted some advice for Greta. Apparently, she needs to work on her "Anger Management problem" and stop involving herself in the grown-up business of destroying the future. Instead, President Trump advised that she should just "go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend. Chill Greta, Chill!" And she took his advice—yay!— altering her Twitter bio to reflect this sage wisdom from one of her biggest moral role models.

greta twitter bio

With this rousing success, maybe Trump should consider sending similar advice to some other angry people. Here are some current and former rageaholics who could really use a Trump-brand chill pill.

The Parkland Teens

emma gonzalez

ABC News

"If you don't do anything to prevent this from continuing to occur, that number of gunshot victims will go up and the number that they are worth will go down. And we will be worthless to you."

Wow, calm down, Emma Gonzalez, why don't you go to a water park or something to take your mind off the trauma you've experienced and the lack of action to address this uniquely American type of horrifying violence.

FDR

fdr

"Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan."

Damn, Frankie, hold a grudge much? You're almost as bad as your boy Winston "Beach-Fight" Churchill. I know you guys are worried about those Axis powers trying to take over the world, but why don't you go fly a kite and see how you feel in the morning.

Rosa Parks

rosa parks

"The only tired I was, was tired of giving in."

Geez, it's just a bus seat—and the systematic oppression of black Americans that deprives them of society's best resources and the opportunities to improve their lives. Go get a couple scoops of ice cream and you'll feel better.

The Standing Rock Sioux

standing rock sioux

"The invisibility of our humanity in this country is literally killing our women; they are offered up as easy prey and their disappearances are often lacking consequences for the perpetrators."

Okay, Chairman Archambault, so the decision to run a hazardous oil pipeline through your tribal lands actually points to a general disregard for the humanity of indigenous peoples, and that results in terrifying mistreatment. But have you considered going to a good old fashioned game of baseball? Might help you relax.

Simone De Beauvoir

simone de beauvoir

"All oppression creates a state of war. And this is no exception."

What is it with these feminist political thinkers always getting so hot under the collar about not having the same rights, freedoms, and legal recognitions as men? Just go to a barbecue and stop worrying so much!

Child Separation Protesters

child separation protesters

AP

"There's no way to rationalize ripping families apart,"

If you say so, ACLU, but you sure sound upset about these child concentration camps, their awful inhumane conditions, and the lifelong trauma they induce. Why don't you go for a bike ride and get back to us?

James Baldwin

james baldwin

"To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time."

Okay, James, but have you tried not being relatively conscious? Try huffing some good old-fashioned ether, or downing a couple bottles of high-strength chill pills.

Now if these other hotheads would just take President Trump's sound advice before the year is over, maybe Time will change their minds, and give "Person of the Year" to the kind of calm, chilled out person who deserves it.

trump yelling

AP