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What is Lorem Ipsum?

Lorem Ipsum is simply dummy text of the printing and typesetting industry. Lorem Ipsum has been the industry's standard dummy text ever since the 1500s, when an unknown printer took a galley of type and scrambled it to make a type specimen book. It has survived not only five centuries, but also the leap into electronic typesetting, remaining essentially unchanged. It was popularised in the 1960s with the release of Letraset sheets containing Lorem Ipsum passages, and more recently with desktop publishing software like Aldus PageMaker including versions of Lorem Ipsum.

Why do we use it?

It is a long established fact that a reader will be distracted by the readable content of a page when looking at its layout. The point of using Lorem Ipsum is that it has a more-or-less normal distribution of letters, as opposed to using 'Content here, content here', making it look like readable English. Many desktop publishing packages and web page editors now use Lorem Ipsum as their default model text, and a search for 'lorem ipsum' will uncover many web sites still in their infancy. Various versions have evolved over the years, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose (injected humour and the like).

Where does it come from?

Contrary to popular belief, Lorem Ipsum is not simply random text. It has roots in a piece of classical Latin literature from 45 BC, making it over 2000 years old. Richard McClintock, a Latin professor at Hampden-Sydney College in Virginia, looked up one of the more obscure Latin words, consectetur, from a Lorem Ipsum passage, and going through the cites of the word in classical literature, discovered the undoubtable source. Lorem Ipsum comes from sections 1.10.32 and 1.10.33 of "de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum" (The Extremes of Good and Evil) by Cicero, written in 45 BC. This book is a treatise on the theory of ethics, very popular during the Renaissance. The first line of Lorem Ipsum, "Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet..", comes from a line in section 1.10.32.

The standard chunk of Lorem Ipsum used since the 1500s is reproduced below for those interested. Sections 1.10.32 and 1.10.33 from "de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum" by Cicero are also reproduced in their exact original form, accompanied by English versions from the 1914 translation by H. Rackham.

Where can I get some?

There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available, but the majority have suffered alteration in some form, by injected humour, or randomised words which don't look even slightly believable. If you are going to use a passage of Lorem Ipsum, you need to be sure there isn't anything embarrassing hidden in the middle of text. All the Lorem Ipsum generators on the Internet tend to repeat predefined chunks as necessary, making this the first true generator on the Internet. It uses a dictionary of over 200 Latin words, combined with a handful of model sentence structures, to generate Lorem Ipsum which looks reasonable. The generated Lorem Ipsum is therefore always free from repetition, injected humour, or non-characteristic words etc.

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Photo by Matt Botsford on Unsplash

It is a long established fact that a reader will be distracted by the readable content of a page when looking at its layout.

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You enter your apartment after a long day's work and toss your keys on the counter - the metal chatters and chimes against the faux-marble surface as they grind to a halt. It's a familiar sound; one so frequently heard that even subtle notes once considered irritating have now grown neutral. Dead. You begin unpacking groceries when you hear another familiar frequency. This one is different. Unlike the brief percussion of keys, this sound failed to wither gracefully into placid neutrality. In fact, it has grown more loathsome, more offensive with time. Your muscles become tense as noise paces closer still. Without moving you slowly shift your line of site downwards with disdain. It's your dog. Panting. Scratching. Blinking. Licking his jowls with his disgusting tongue. He locks eyes with you as a bead of sweat surfaces above your brow and you look back at the beast, almost certain you can see his hairs shed, one by one, each fluttering down to your kitchen floor next to small puddles of drool. You knew this moment would come, perhaps not so soon, but you anticipated it nonetheless. It's time to end it all. It's time to break up with your dog.

Many of you likely find the mere proposition of dog-divorce as cruel or perhaps inhumane. So allow me to preface my guide by addressing the scientific facts:

  • The canine species is known in the animal kingdom as a "Stage-5 Clinger," meaning once they have a taste of dog-human relations, they sink their teeth in deeper than they do with your favorite basketball shoes. Do not be fooled. Dogs are master manipulators and will employ every trick they know to keep you enslaved while thinking you're the master. And trust me, the tricks dogs are born with are far more powerful than any you think you've "taught" them.

  • Dogs can smell fear. Why would a species without evil intent evolve such that it can smell human fear? The answer? Never.
  • Dogs can't see color - and aren't people who say they "don't see color" just the worst?

  • Dogs come from wolves! While man descended from the noble ape, and cats from the gentle lion, dogs come from one of the most ferocious, man-eating, soulless monsters Earth has ever produced. And on top of that, they have the gall to parade about with their wolf traits on full display subliminally striking fear into all people, then sniffing that fear out and using it to their advantage. They aren't even wolves in sheep's clothing, no; they are just wolves in smaller wolves' clothing!

Now that we've established the undeniable laws underlining all dog-human interactions, let us return to the matter at hand-paw: how to break up with your dog.

1. Prepare a Large Meal

Before initiating "the talk," you're going to want your pooch well fed. Hungry dogs are prepared to activate peak manipulation at any moment: "puppy eyes," whimpering, the whole nine yards (as in canine yards... coincidence? NO). Moreover, one must remember that these are wolf-offspring, and when provoked, can tear into your fragile flesh like a mindless vampire. And what is the signature sign of a vampire? Fangs, aka elongated canine teeth. Don't become a statistic. Instead, play it safe and make sure your mutt is stuffed to the brim by serving an irresistible feast... a "final meal," if you will.

2. Get a Little Drunk

While the creature snarls and snorts atop its slop, take the opportunity to have a few libations. Your choice of alcohol isn't of import, but subverting sobriety is. Recall fact number 2: dogs can smell fear. Therefore, it's essential you mask any emotions or apprehensions with good ol' liquid courage. If unsure how much to consume, simply refer to the classic saying: "don't approach the fur, till words begin to slur."

3. Propose An Outdoor Excursion

Break ups of any kind (interspecies and other) are best done in public places to ensure your safety. With humans, it can be difficult to accomplish a "clean break" in public because the breakee often has things in your apartment they will inevitably need to retrieve. In dog relationships, this is the one moment where being a person actually works in your favor. Legally speaking, you own everything the dog considers its rightful belongings. Therefore, once the canine is off your premises, they can lay no claim to any dog paraphernalia henceforth abandoned.

4. Disorient The Beast

Remember: the dog species is a Stage-5 Clinger. Countless people who try ending their damaging dog relationships wind up waking up the next morning after their first full night's rest in years, just to find the same mangy mutt moping at their doorstep. It's important the dog loses all sense of direction before you deliver them back to nature. I recommend blindfolding them and leading them in many circles by leash before even exiting the building. You may also want to stop in front of a neighbors door (one that doesn't know you well or that you have a dog), allow the animal to catch the scent, and then say something like "boy it sure is nice to be home, here where we live! Doesn't it just smell like home in front of this door?" Here, the dog's gullibility and lack of complex reasoning will be its downfall. Others have tried things like taking the dog up and down in the elevator many times before going outside, or putting a sign outside their door saying "sorry, I moved away." These techniques have also produced fairly promising results.

5. Do The Deed

Now that you are outside, in a public place, and the dog has no idea how it got there, it's time to cut the leash. But first, request an Uber (this will make sense soon enough). The fifth and final step is, of course, the hardest, as it will require you to debase yourself. You will lie to the dog - tell it "it's not you, it's me... you are a good it... this isn't your fault." The humiliation will seem too much to bear, but you must stay strong. Make sure you have a flask of alcohol somewhere on your person. If you feel yourself sobering up or exhibiting any signs of fear, you must immediately swig it away. Being outside can remind the animal of its wolf-heritage. If it smells fear at this moment, it will likely tear your flesh wide open, kill and eat you. Drink and drink swift. Once you complete your prepared statement, allow the dog a chance to speak its part. In most cases, the dog will refuse to speak. This is known in the animal kingdom as "the silent treatment." DO NOT BE FOOLED! Instead, simply unleash the dog and say something distracting like "look over there," while pointing away from yourself. If that fails, try making vacuum cleaner sounds with your mouth or some sort of phone app. They hate that! Once their head is turned you hop in your Uber and drive off. If you try walking, running, or rollerblading the quadruped will follow you and potentially even outpace you with the agility God gave it as compensation for its dumbness. Lastly, warn the Uber driver that if they can't escape the dog you will consider rating them very poorly. They hate that!

It wasn't easy, but you did it. You broke up with your dog. Many will judge you, but you'll know you did the right thing for you and for Ralphie, or whatever the f*ck its name was. Doesn't matter. It's in the past. You are free. You both are free...

From time to time you might find yourself missing the creature. This is called "overthinking," a common behavior stemming from man's intelligent ape-heritage. The best thing to do if this occurs is to whip out your trusty flask and swig the feelings away. Just swig and swig and swig. For people prone to inordinately high overthinking (known in the animal kingdom as "females"), there is an entire television network dedicated 24/7 to reminding you why the deed had to be done. This is called "Animal Planet," and you can check your local listings, cable provider or TV guide for the channel and program schedule.


The Art of Selling Out: Green Day, Weezer, and Fall Out Boy Troll Fans with "Hella Mega Tour"

The choice to have a towering, beefed-up unicorn playing a sweet guitar solo and breathing rainbow fire as the centerpiece of their tour poster is a sign that the groups are leaning into this criticism with a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor.


This tour poster is beautifully atrocious, and that's kind of the point.

The Holy Trinity of late 90's-early 00's pop-punk has reunited for a tour that will have you sprinting back to Hot Topic to stock up on eyeliner and Tripp Pants. Green Day, Fall Out Boy, and Weezer have each released new singles in advance of embarking on what they're calling the Hella Mega Tour. The three bands are hitting the road together the summer of 2020, and the poster looks like something out of a Gene Simmons fever dream.

I had so many questions when I first saw this poster. Can't they afford better graphic designers? Did they think this was a good idea? Why would bands known for iconic, generation-defining album art, like that seen on American Idiot and Folie à Deux, stoop to using a design what a pimply eighth grader would carve into his desk during detention? If a unicorn has more than one horn, is it even still a unicorn? (Also, it looks to be a unicorn/centaur hybrid—what do you call that? Unitaur? Centicorn?) How long would a concert with three headliners and an opener be? At LEAST four hours, right? Are the jets, motorcycles, and helicopters part of an airshow, or are they trying to bring down the massive Unitaur/Centicorn/whatever you call that abomination?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized these ridiculous artistic choices were there to prompt these questions. Ask any fan of Green Day, Weezer, or Fall Out Boy and you'll find they have frequently been the target of that classic punk fan refrain: "Those guys sold out, their old stuff is way better." A new album always sucks until enough time has passed for it to be declared an old album—back when the band was still "raw" or "inventive" or any other adjective the fans have donned their rose-colored glasses to prescribe "good" music. The choice to have a towering, beefed-up unicorn playing a sweet guitar solo and breathing rainbow fire as the centerpiece of their tour poster is a sign that the groups are leaning into this criticism with a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor. They know they've come a long way from playing basements and their aesthetic choices reflect the absurdity of that journey. And if they're going to be called phony sellouts no matter what they try, they might as well go for it, right?

Plus, to anyone paying attention, all their recent singles show that all three groups are ever-ready to rip up the sound they're known for and start anew. This tour poster is wacky, but it makes sense in context. Only last year, Weezer released their covers album, The Teal Album, and finally succumbed to pressure to cover Africa by Toto after a year-long Twitter campaign led by a teenage fan. Fall Out Boy went on tour with actor, rapper, and surreal Tweeter Jaden Smith in 2017—who Pete Wentz said was the future of music. The band seems interested in how Smith pokes holes in the traditional image of fame, especially seeing how they invited WWE Hall of Famer Ric Flair to promote the tour in their initial announcement. And where do I even begin with Green Day? In recent memory, they've made a Broadway musical based on their album American Idiot and released a trilogy of full-length albums in less than a year.

Point is: For the better part of this decade, all three bands have been doing weird, funny stuff that may not match up with exactly your tween self's perception of them—and that's totally cool. You can still mosh to all the hits on this tour—sure they'll probably play some new stuff, but they'd be stupid NOT to play the classics on a world tour of this scale. The new singles from each group are just the most recent part of their respective artistic journeys.

Billie Joe Armstrorng said in an interview with KROQ that this new single and the upcoming new album is Green Day's attempt to fuse the band's manic, punk energy with elements of Motown soul. He also noted that they wanted the album to give the listener a lesson in rock and roll history by showcasing how the genre has changed over the years as the album goes on.. Their new single, "Father Of All," falls right in line with this new mission. It alternates between Armstrong pushing his vocal range higher than we've ever heard it and sharp, staccato riffs. like a punk-powered jazz improvisation, before unfolding into a classic Green Day chorus about paranoia and violence in the streets.

Weezer's new single, "The End of the Game" is off their upcoming album, Van Weezer, which takes all the lessons they learned from doing 80s covers on The Teal Album and leans heavily into hard rock influences. The track opens with a face-melting guitar solo with an angelic chorus backing it up and then explodes into some serious power chords. The lyrics are lamenting the loss of a girl named Suzie, and its general vibe is Weezer's typical indie rock sensibilities colored by the best of 80s rock. Rivers Cuomo noticed that crowds would go nuts during guitar solos he'd play at live performances of "Beverly Hills" and decided to write more songs that provide that.

The End of the Game

Fall Out Boy's "Dear Future Self (Hands Up)" is a hyped-up, extremely danceable pop-punk track that feels a lot like 2015's "Uma Thurman" off of American Beauty/American Psycho. "Dear Future Self" has an undeniably tight, fast rhythm that takes charge while a guitar riff hums in the background as support. Fall Out Boy collaborated with Wyclef Jean of the Fugees, who drops in for a verse. The transition from Patrick Stump's vocals into Jean's feature is seamless. The group has worked with rappers before, like Macklemore and Azealia Banks, but those tracks were a little more heavily remixed. On this new one, you get Fall Out Boy's raw, pop-punk energy leading right into a super solid rap verse, and it works perfectly with zero remixing.

Dear Future Self (Hands Up) [feat. Wyclef Jean]

Love it or hate it, The Hella Mega Tour will be upon us sooner than we think. Despite its garish aesthetic and undoubtedly expensive ticket prices, the tour is an interesting step forward for three of the most beloved pop-punk acts of all time. While I can't wait to see what's next, next time I could do with fewer unicorns.

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