Each week one of Popdust's disposable clones — grown in a vault deep beneath the Mojave desert — is exposed to the outside world through a relentless feed of news, pop culture, and social media.
The arduous process accelerates their dissolution back into an amorphous clone slurry. But before they go, they leave behind a document of what they've absorbed and what they've learned — a time capsule preserving a single moment in the slow-motion collapse of civilization. An End Times Update...
Transcript 4/23/2021:
[Demonic dog voice]
Binned Easel: No, don't say that!
[Demonic dog voice]
Binned Easel: No, I don't want to!
[Demonic dog voice]
Binned Easel: Oh, hi! Welcome to another episode of End Times Update, presented by popdust!
As always, we'll be running through the freshest evidence of the world's descent into chaos and darkness. So if you find yourself overwhelmed at any point, just um... What are they supposed to do again?
Dog: Smash that like button.
Binned Easel: Oh right! And don't forget to subscribe for more existential dread.
I'll be your clone host for this week — Binned Easel — and what a week it's been to expend my brief existence. For a start, it's been a great one for criminal justice.
Derek Chauvin, who was filmed ruthlessly murdering someone in front of a crowd of people nearly a year ago was finally convicted of murder on Tuesday. It was an outcome that probably shouldn't have been as surprising as it was, but definitely shouldn't be as upsetting as some people found it.
Ed Gavin: I just think that it was excessive, and it shouldn't have happened —
Tucker Carlson: Well the guy who did it looks like he's gonna spend the rest of his life in prison, so... I'm kind of more worried about the rest of the country, which — thanks to police inaction, in case you haven't noticed — is, like, boarded up [maniacal laughter]. So, that's more my concern, but I appreciate you coming on. Ed Gavin, thank you.
Binned Easel: Speaking of Tucker Carlson, this week it was revealed that the Fox News Host, back in his college days, listed himself in the yearbook as a member in one club celebrating the anti-gay segregationist Senator Jesse Helms, and another celebrating Dan White, the man who assassinated San Francisco mayor George Moscone, and gay activist and politician Harvey Milk. Which are two cool and totally normal clubs.
In other political news, this week the House of Representatives voted to pass a bill that would grant statehood to the Washington D.C., where around 700,000 Americans live without federal representation. That's more than the populations of Wyoming or Vermont!
Now that it's passed the House, the bill can safely advance to the Senate — where it can live out its remaining days relaxing, with no fear of ever being enacted.
One thing that surprised us all by actually passing the Senate this week was the anti-Asian Hate Crime bill, which ended up receiving only one nay vote, from senator Josh Hawley of Missouri, seen here on January 6th offering a fist of solidarity to the group who later invaded the capitol in an effort to overturn the results of the presidential election.
I wonder why he cared so much about keeping Donald Trump in office...
[clip 1] Senator Josh Hawley: This is my opportunity to stand up and say something. To stand up and point out that —
[clip 2] — the election of Donald Trump is an example of racist progress in this country.
Binned Easel: That was probably taken out of context. But it's still strange that he voted against the anit-Asian Hate crime bill, doesn't he know about the massive spike in violent hate crimes against Asian Americans?
Josh Hawley: In terms of violence, I just wnat to acknowledge that when it comes to violence, this has been a terrible year in america, this last year. We've seen a lot of violence —
Binned Easel: Exactly!
Josh Hawley (cont.): — against law enforcement.
Binned Easel: Oh…
Josh Hawley: The United States is a systemically racist country —
Binned Easel: Never mind then.
Earth Day was also this week, which saw various pushes to "go green," some more sincere than others. The holiday is particularly important now, with climate scientists noting that atmospheric C02 recently passed 150% of its pre-industrial levels, and that we remain on track for the apocalyptic worst-case scenario. Fortunately, our elected representatives are all well-informed, and have as much of a stake as anyone in acting swiftly to preserve the planet for decades to come.
Senator James Inhofe: In case we have forgotten, because we keep hearing that 2014 has been the warmest year on record, I ask the chair: Do you know what this is? It's a snowball. And that's just from outside here, so it's very, very cold out.
Finally, in social media news, this week MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell launched FRANK, a brand new social media platform, in his boldest effort since he set out to create a pillow so comfortable that he could fall asleep while high on cocaine.
Mike Lindell: I mean, I got up in the middle of the night, it was about two in the morning, and I had "MyPillow" wrote everywhere in the kitchen and all over the house. I said, "I've got this idea for a pillow! It's gonna be called MyPillow!"
Lindell has promised his site will be a bastion of free speech where conservatives will be allowed to share all their thoughts about how Joe Biden isn't really the president because Hugo Chavez's ghost conspired with Dominion voting machines to steal votes from Donald Trump. Or something like that.
Unfortunately those conservatives will have to wait, because as soon as it launched on Monday, — amid Lindell's 48-hour FRANK-a-thon livestream — users were reporting that they couldn't access the site. Also, the "free speech" platform will reportedly ban posts that contain any of the three swear words or quote "take god's name in vain." Jesus Christ...
Fortunately, if there's one thing that can cheer you up in difficult times, it's a call from the real president.
Fake Secretary: Hello, Yes, I have Mr. Trump on standby. Are you ready?
Mike Lindell: Yes.
Fake Secretary: Go ahead sir.
Fake Trump: Hello everyone.
Mike Lindell: Uh, we have the president here, our real president, everyone. Hello, Mr. President!
Prankster: Macronshow.com, b**ches! Macronshow.com —
Mike Lindell: Alright, I guess that wasn't — you see what they're doing. They're attacking us...
[Demonic dog voice]
Binned Easel: Who's a good boy?
[Demonic dog voice]
Binned Easel: Yeah? You Want a treat?
[Demonic dog voice]
Binned Easel: You want it? Okay, okay, yeah... Well, that does it for this week. If the world survives longer than I do, we;ll send another clone with more updates.