THE OPTION | Your NFL Team's 2018 Record
Time for Some Half-Baked Opinions
The pointless and wholly un-entertaining cash grab known as the NFL preseason is finally coming to a close.
On another note, my editor just told me that we have a cool new slideshow feature on our website, so I'm going to use it. Here's my prediction for every NFL team this year:
NFC East
NFC East
▲
Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)
Eagles
The Eagles just won the Super Bowl with a backup quarterback and are poised to have another successful season. That said, no one knows when Carson Wentz is coming back. While the NFC East is a talentless wasteland, the birds, by virtue of their success, have an extremely tough schedule otherwise. They're going to lose a few more this year than last. But, if he still has ligaments in his knees by the end of the season, Wentz may finally get to play in a playoff game.
▲New York Giants (6-10)
Giants
Evan Engram has blossomed into a legitimate red zone threat, Odell Beckham Jr. can catch the ball one-handed and Saquon Barkley is supposedly the real deal. None of this matters. Eli Manning has a mashed potato brain and no control over the muscles in his face. His play style is the closest thing in the natural world to true randomness and the only way to accurately predict his game-to-game antics is with a poisson distribution. He's won two Super Bowls, sure, but the Giants elected to start Geno Smith over a healthy Eli last year.
▲Dallas Cowboys (8-8)
Cowboys
The Dallas Cowboys' ability to stay competitive is based on one thing and one thing only: the NFL's knack for ignoring domestic abuse. Dak Prescott proved his own mediocrity last season. He needs Ezekiel Elliott with him in order to be successful, and the NFL understands this. If you're looking for a team to root against, look no further. Rodger Goodell learned nothing from Ray Rice. "I know...but Zeke really good at football" - Jerry Jones (probably).
▲Washington [Redacted] (6-10)
Washington
The Washington [slur] recently picked up Alex Smith, a man who has been kicked out of his starting quarterback job not once, but twice, and gave him total control over their offense. They have the makings of solid Pac-12 team. Unfortunately for them, they have to play in the NFL.
▲NFC West
NFC West
▲
San Francisco 49ers (9-7)
He sure is handsome.
The few games Jimmy Garoppolo played last year got San Francisco fans excited, and some big offseason moves have revived the Bay Area's playoffs hopes. While there are some injuries in the backfield, 49ers fans will be happy to know that Alfred Morris does still in fact play football. On top of this, Richard Sherman is already foaming at the mouth and punching reporters in the neck. I'm cautiously optimistic about this team, but Jimmy G has all the tools he needs now. Time to see if he can get it done.
▲Seattle Seahawks (8-8)
Russell Wilson
Russell Wilson has been having sex since 2016, but has it been good for his team? The numbers speak for themselves. Before Ciara, Wilson was in the Super Bowl twice, and his team was one of the most dominant in the league. Last year, they missed the playoffs. Unless he embraces celibacy again, Seattle's chances look bleak.
▲Arizona Cardinals (4-12)
Cardinals
David Johnson may be from Krypton, but an NFL team needs more than a singularly talented running back. With Josh Rosen's status unclear, Sam Bradford is set to be the Cardinals starting Quarterback. If you're unfamiliar with Bradford's playing style, think about a person who has never held a football before trying to teach himself to play via tapes of Eli Manning's worst games.
▲Los Angeles Rams (11-5)
Jared Goff
If Jared Goff learns how to throw a football, this team could easily go 13-3 or 14-2. As it is though, they're probably going to keep feeding Todd Gurley 30 carries a game until it stops working or his kneecaps explode from too much pressure. Either way, the Rams are a good team. But if they could balance their offense, they'd be a great team.
▲NFC North
NFC North
▲
Green Bay Packers (10-6)
Aaron Rodgers
Aaron Rodgers is back baby. He just got a new weapon in Jimmy Graham, a player whose knees are 20 years older than the rest of his body. Rodgers also has no defense to help him and his only good receiver is human concussion magnet Davante Adams. Still, it's Aaron Rodgers. Packers are a lock.
▲Minnesota Vikings (12-4)
Vikings
After being humiliated in the NFC championship game last year, the Minnesota Vikings gave Case Keenum the boot and replaced him with Kirk "You Like That?" Cousins. Cousins, whose voice still cracks as if he were still in 6th grade, is a marginal step up for a defensively-minded squad. If Dalvin Cook can avoid injury, this team could be Super Bowl-bound.
▲Detroit Lions (7-9)
Matt Stafford
Matt Stafford has one of the highest salaries in the NFL, but unless he can use his piles of cash to build a standout player at literally any position, I don't see the Lions doing anything this year. Awash a sea of mediocrity, Stafford seems doomed to drown in Detroit.
▲Chicago Bears (5-11)
Bears
They signed Allen Robinson and they have a couple of good running backs, but the Bears are the worst team in their division by a country mile. Who knows, maybe Mitch Trubisky will miraculously morph into an NFL-caliber quarterback. In the all too likely event that this doesn't happen however, the Bears are looking at a lot of lopsided scoreboards.
▲NFC South
NFC South
▲
Atlanta Falcons (10-6)
Matt Ryan
Jalen Ramsey doesn't even know Matt Ryan's name. The guy was in the Super Bowl two seasons ago, and that's the kind of impression he's made. Dan Quinn has created a fast and entertaining offense to go along with a surprisingly efficient defense. The only thing is, these guys just aren't winners. And listen, there are no statistics to back this assertion up. Matt Ryan has taken this team to the playoffs a lot in his tenure as starting quarterback. It's just, if the Falcons were playing the Packers (they do on 12/9) who would you take? Objectively, the Falcons are a top to bottom better team. But, who would you take?
▲New Orleans Saints (12-4)
Drew Brees
Drew Brees may be an old man, but it doesn't matter. He's got two of the best running backs in the league, Michael Thomas at receiver, and for the first time in a long time, a pretty solid defense. This is a team that can run roughshod over most of the league and only has a few legitimate competitors in the NFC. The Saints are my Super Bowl pick.
▲Carolina Panthers (9-7)
Carolina
Carolina has a good defense and a good quarterback. Christian McCaffrey is all set to start in the backfield. The problem it, the receiving corps is horrendous. On the one hand, you've got Torrey Smith, who somehow has two Super Bowl wins without ever learning how to catch a football. On the other, you've got Devin Funchess. I watch football significantly more than I talk to my friends or family and I'm 100% sure I couldn't identify Funchess if I were handed a picture. Cam Newton may be a good runner, but eventually, he's going to need somebody to throw the ball to.
▲Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-11)
Buccaneers
Jameis Winston is really, really good at throwing interceptions and in the games he started last year he was 3-10. This team is by far the worst in their division. They're like the Bears, only worse. Mike Evans is probably good for 1,200 yards and 10 touchdowns if you're into fantasy though.
▲AFC East
AFC East
▲
New England Patriots (11-5)
Tom Brady
After dropping an easy pass and blowing it in the Super Bowl, Tom Brady went home and had a nice, long cry. The next morning, he did a three-hour skincare regime straight out of American Psycho, walked 14 miles to the Patriots practice facility, and started running drills alone in the dark. He has been there since February. A deep blackness has consumed his heart. He's forgotten the faces of his wife and children. He will play until his muscles atrophy and he's left screaming in agony on the field. Then, he will play some more. So uh, yeah, the Patriots are going to be good again.
▲New York Jets (6-10)
Jets
The New York Jets are team that makes me think gee there are too many teams in this league. It looks as though they're going to start Sam Darnold at Quarterback. They've got a pile of backup running backs to choose from. It's just...ugh. Who cares. 6-10.
▲Buffalo Bills (7-9)
Lesean McCoy
Lesean McCoy is a superstar and most likely destined for the Hall of Fame. That said, with no offensive line to help him, and the starting QB still unclear at this point, the Bills are looking frightfully one dimensional. They made the playoffs last year because of their defense, but if the O-line can't get it together, the odds of a repeat performance look slim.
▲Miami Dolphins (6-10)
Ryan Tannehill
Please take a moment to observe the above picture. Look at the way Ryan Tannehill's body is contorting to make this throw. If that isn't a metaphor for the Miami Dolphins, I don't know what is. They've shipped off their best running back and best receiver, and replaced them with Julien Edelman's backup and a 2,000-year-old man named Frank Gore. They also lost Ndamukong Suh. There's just nothing impressive going on here.
▲AFC West
AFC West
▲
Oakland Raiders (9-7)
Raiders
The Raiders have invested in Derek Carr and given him the best receivers available, but no one is sure how healthy the young quarterback is. Oakland also signed Jon Gruden as head coach, saving Monday Night Football viewers from having to listen to his insane ramblings. This is definitely the hardest team to get a read on in the entire league. It feels like they could either go 3-13 or 12-4. My guess is somewhere in the middle.
▲Los Angeles Chargers (7-9)
Philip Rivers
Philip Rivers is good at football. That's what everyone will tell you. He can throw a nice long pass. He's accurate. He doesn't turn it over much. He also hasn't had a 10+ win season this decade. Something tells me that's not going to change anytime soon. But he's good though! Trust me!
▲Kansas City Chiefs (11-5)
Chiefs
Patrick Mahomes is now the guy in Kansas City. I predict a lot of checkdown passes to Travis Kelce and Kareem Hunt, but as proven by Alex Smith, this offense is so good that mediocre quarterback play can get you into the playoffs. Mahomes has been impressive though and is playing in a subpar division, so there's no reason for him not to excel. The real question is whether or not Andy Reid can stop eating chicken fingers long enough to put together an intelligible playbook.
▲Denver Broncos (7-9)
Broncos
One look at what the Broncos did last year, and it'd be easy to write this team off. The defense is old and the offense couldn't get it going. That said, Demaryius Thomas and Emmanuel Sanders are two of the most talented receivers in the league and Case Keenum, while not all that interesting of a player, knows how to feed good players the ball. It seems unlikely that he'll be able to do what he did with Minnesota, but Denver will be better than they were. They couldn't get much worse.
▲AFC North
AFC North
▲
Pittsburgh Steelers (11-5)
Ben Roethlisberger
Ben Roethlisberger is fat. He's old. He looks like your dad. Has any of this stopped him? No. If he doesn't have a heart attack on the field, Big Ben has a real chance of heading to his fourth Super Bowl this year, even if Leveon Bell and Antonio Brown have to put his orb-like body into a wheelbarrow and roll him there.
▲Baltimore Ravens (7-9)
Ravens
I'm big on Lamar Jackson. I think he has the stuff. That said, Joe Flacco is going to force his gigantic head into a Ravens helmet once more and assume his role as starting quarterback, keeping Jackson benched for at least another year. No one needs to take the Ravens seriously again until they give the Lamar his chance.
▲Cleveland Browns (6-10)
Browns
Jarvis Landry, Josh Gordon, Tyrod Taylor, Carlos Hyde are all ready to put on some ugly orange uniforms and hit the field. There's only one thing between this team and victory: Hue Jackson. Until the front office fires him, I don't see much to get excited about.
▲Cincinnati Bengals (3-13)
Bengals
Remember when people thought Andy Dalton was going to be good? Anyway, it's 2018 now and I fully hate this team. Even if Joe Mixon can stop punching women in the face long enough to play football (see Roger Goodell's ineptitude), I don't expect too much from this offense. On paper, they look acceptable. In practice...it's a disaster.
▲AFC South
AFC South
▲
Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5)
Jaguars
Having a bad quarterback would be a problem for every other team in the league. Not so for the Jacksonville Jaguars, a team that has succeeded in spite of Blake Bortles' uninspired play. Jalen Ramsey and AJ Bouye are two of the best corners in the league, and Leonard Fournette is on his was to superstardom. If there's any team that's going to dominate the AFC, it's Jacksonville.
▲Houston Texans (10-6)
Texans
Deshaun Watson is back after tearing his ACL last year. Before he got hurt, he was putting together one of the most dominant rookie quarterback performances the NFL has ever seen. The kid is a monster and can devastate teams on the ground and through the air. With JJ Watt and his robotic arm leading the defense and Deandre Hopkins as the clear number one wide receiver, the Texans will look to build some chemistry this year and make a deep run.
▲Indianapolis Colts (6-10)
Andrew Luck
Andrew Luck and his terrible facial hair may be back, but that doesn't mean the Colts are going to be good. They might score more, but their schedule is full of teams that will absolutely maul them. To top it off, Luck hasn't looked like himself this preseason, and there's definitely reason for Indianapolis fans to worry.
▲Tennessee Titans (5-11)
Titans
The Tennessee Titans have a new head coach and not much else. They have an okay defense. They have a below-average quarterback. They have Derrick Henry, who might be good. Their brief playoff run may have looked promising last year, but now that the Colts and Texans are back up to fighting strength, the Titans are going to have a much tougher time winning in the division. When Deshaun Watson was heading the Texans, they dropped 57 points on Tennessee last year.
▲Matt Clibanoff is a writer and editor based in New York City who covers music, politics, sports and pop culture. His editorial work can be found in Inked Magazine, Pop Dust, The Liberty Project, and All Things Go. His fiction has been published in Forth Magazine. -- Find Matt at his website and on Twitter: @mattclibanoff
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