Twitter has been abuzz today about which cartoon theme song is best.
This is no doubt a ploy by Disney to get everyone nostalgic enough to sign up for Disney+, and everyone has been predictably biased to focus on the shows that they loved when they were kids. But as someone who grew up in the 1990s—the true golden age of Saturday Morning TV—I felt the need to step in and provide the objective analysis the topic required. Without further ado, here is the definitive list of the greatest cartoon theme songs of all time. Don't even try to argue.
Batman: The Animated Series
This one has the distinct advantage of being composed by legendary film composer Danny Elfman, and borrows heavily from his work on Tim Burton's Batman, for which he won a Grammy. The dark, orchestral intensity sets the tone for one of the most serious and intense children's cartoons of all time.
Ducktales
Life is like a hurricane. If you don't already have the words "here in, Duckburg" playing in your head, you are a broken soul. Hughie Dewey and Louie, along with their uncle Scrooge, were the definition of cartoon adventure in the early 1990s, but the simple, catchy lyrics of the theme song are truly what keeps this show alive in our hearts. It's the reason I can't hear the word racecars without immediately thinking of lasers and "aeroplanes."
Darkwing Duck
Synthesizing the previous two entries with a duck-themed slapstick parody of the Batman universe, we have Darkwing Duck. While the content of the show was less memorable than Ducktales, the driving bassline and the high-energy vocals of the extremely 90s theme song are somehow timeless. The refrain of "When there's trouble, you call DW," and Darkwing's interlude, "Let's get dangerous," will live forever in my memory.
Arthur
Arthur was always kind of boring compared to other cartoons, yet I watched it a lot as a kid, because it was boring in the same way a big comfy sweater is boring on a cold day. It's a show full of sweetness and optimism, and never has a theme song so perfectly captured the hopeful and positive message of a show better than Ziggy Marley's "Believe in Yourself." You know you want to sing along to this one.
Gravity Falls
Gravity Falls taps into the weirdness and mystery of childhood to deliver one of the best cartoons of the past decade. And the instrumental theme song somehow manages to be eerie, mysterious, and madcap all at once, in a way that only the supernatural adventures of Dipper, Mabel, and Gruncle Stan could live up to. The snappy, fast-paced percussion combine with the playful penny whistle to instantly put me in a good mood.
Teen Titans
Teen Titan's Go! has gotten a lot of love and a lot of hate in recent years, the latter coming mostly from fans of the show's 2003 predecessor. Whatever you think of the two shows, there's no denying that the original show's high-energy Japanese surf rock theme song by Puffy Ami Yumi absolutely slaps. It's worthy of a listen even if you don't care about the show.
Pinky and the Brain
All the segments on the Animaniacs had great music to go along with them, which is not that surprising when you consider that the show was Steven Spielberg's baby. Pinky and the Brain was eventually spun off into its own show, but the theme song remained intact, with some of the most memorable lyrics in the history of theme songs. But the real power of the song is revealed when you begin to question which of the mice is the real genius?
Aaahh!!! Real Monsters
This theme song is unique for it's use of sound effects to set the tone of comedic horror. From scuttling of cockroaches to a crash of thunder and a creaking door, it feels appropriately like it was sampled from one of those Haunted House CDs they sell in Halloween stores. Whatever sound engineer had the joy of putting this theme song together even finished with the classic Howie Scream of Hollywood fame.
Dexter's Laboratory
The intro and outro for Dexter's Laboratory pair into a perfect operatic epic, with Deedee's twinkling, Sugar Plum footsteps and the deep ominous tones of Dexter's genius oppose each other in a balletic beauty that is summed up in the outro's lyrics: "There is doom and gloom, while things go boom, in Dexter's lab!"
Steven Universe
Steven Universe creator Rebecca Sugar is a serious musical talent. Along with some great vocalists, she has filled the show with some really amazing songs, but what's particularly great about the show's theme is that it preserves the innocent fun and optimism of the show's early episodes, keeping that heart in place even as the show has evolved to explore some dark and complex themes.
Spongebob Squarepants
Painty the Pirate's gruff cheerleader energy leading into this song invites you to sing along with all the nautical nonsense, and continues to perfectly capture the whimsical absurdity of Spongebob more than 20 years after the show first aired and became an instant classic. Now, if only I could play the nose-flute as well as Spongebob.