Recently, the former Breitbart editor turned global pariah Milo Yiannopoulos announced to the world that he is "ex-gay," triggering celebrations among the gay community.
Until 2017, Yianoppoulos was known as the token gay member of the so-called "alt-Right," pro-Trump movement. He was the British provocateur who sparked controversy and protest with university speaking engagements wherein he would spout misogyny, transphobia, fat-shaming, Islamaphobia, and racism, all with the dubious cover of being a gay man.
In the lead-up to the 2016 election, he quickly became the beloved gay friend of a million uptight boomers for whom Will and Grace was a smidge too far. Milo was the guy gay who didn't buy into PC dogma about "not spreading hate" and "having some basic human decency."
But that all changed when the "cancel culture" came for Milo, uncovering an old clip in which he expressed opinions that even his "free speech"-loving fans couldn't handle. Milo's spot at CPAC was canceled, along with his book deal. He was forced to resign from Breitbart, and dropped from cultural relevance almost overnight.
Soon there were reports of Milo's massive debt, and his desperation to earn a living from his meager following on Telegram — one of the few platforms where he was still allowed to operate. But for a man troll like Milo Yiannopoulos, fading into obscurity was never an option. It was only a matter of time before he sunk to new depths and managed to scrape some fresh attention from the bottom of the barrel.
So — while his sexuality was once the entire basis for his fame among conservatives — he has now found redemption in embracing a Christian conservative, "sodomy-free" identity, espousing the worn out notion that you can "pray the gay away." With that in mind, Milo has reportedly thrown his $150,000 engagement ring into the ocean, and moved out of the home he formerly shared with his husband turned "housemate" — just in time for Pride month.
Where was he headed? Where else but Florida?
Florida — along with neighboring states Alabama and Georgia — currently has a ban on banning conversion therapy. While critics of the practice argue that conversion therapy almost always involves abuse of one form or another, and has no basis in science, the cities of Boca Raton and Palm Beach, Florida are currently fighting in federal court for the right to ban it within their borders.
Perhaps that's why Milo has chosen the state as his destination for starting his own gay conversion therapy "clinic" — forcing himself into the middle of a conversation that should have been settled decades ago. Perhaps he sees cues in recent Supreme Court rulings that the judicial branch as shaped by Donald Trump will now look more favorably on "religious liberty" over human rights.
And who better to rehabilitate the tattered reputation of conversion therapy than a successful convert? But for anyone who's interested in attending Milo's conversion "therapy" center once he finally finds the right location and some "therapists" willing to work for him, you should be warned: his path to hetero-reformation may not be for everyone.
Before you commit, answer these six questions first to find out if Milo's methods are right for you:
Will You Say Anything For Money and Attention?
Milo truly is a troll's troll. He will say or do anything to piss off his enemies, and for his method to work for you, you have to be just as shameless.
Would you take a bath in pig's blood to demonize immigrants? Would you marry a Black man specifically to dodge accusations of racism? Would you toss aside that marriage of convenience as soon as that becomes advantageous?
What about saying that you "went gay" so as to avoid dealing with "nutty broads?" Or that you could always go back to being straight in order to "feel oppressed again?" What about then changing your mind and talking about men like you "suffering from same-sex attraction?"
If you can do all that without wanting to crawl under a rock and never show your face again, you can probably pretend to change your sexuality too. Just remember, as you're saying and doing literally anything for attention, not to say that a 13-year-old boy being sexually assaulted by an adult man is a part of "coming of age"...
Has Your Token Identity Worn Out Its Use?
Conservatives finally abandoned Milo after he fed into their bias that gay men are pedophilic predators. They only wanted him to feed into their slightly less harmful stereotype that gay men are catty and cruel.
But if you've managed to avoid Milo's mistake, maybe you can keep milking your status as the token gay conservative who reads liberals for filth. It's only once you've poisoned that well that you'll need to blame your horrific statement on your gayness and pretend that the Bible has "fixed" you.
Do You Believe in Absolutely Nothing (Except White Supremacy)?
One of the keys to Milo's method is to have absolutely no conscience, sense of humanity, or actual values. It makes it much easier to pivot from one tactic or talking point to the next when all you care about is maintaining your profile.
That said, it's important to maintain one guiding point around which to focus your energy. And if you're following Milo's method, that means white supremacy.
Was Milo just trolling when he included in his "hotel room altar" a novel that portrays the systematic exterminations of non-whites in a positive light? It's possible, but as Kurt Vonnegut once put it, "We are what we LARP as" (paraphrased...), and Milo has been playing the role of a white supremacist consistently through all his various pivots.
So while you might eventually expose "respectable" white nationalist Richard Spencer's slur-filled rant if you think that doing so will raise your profile, that doesn't mean you have to stop saying stuff like you've "never met a racist."
Do You Hate Yourself Even More Than You Hate Everyone Else?
As a true opportunist, Milo Yiannopoulos is always ready to attack an ally as soon as it's advantageous to do so. He doesn't have real "friends." Even his bond with his husband wasn't real.
Just as he turned on Richard Spencer, he can turn on Jordan Peterson, or Ben Shapiro. And if you're following Milo's lead, that's how you need to be too.
Bonus points if, while turning on your former Breitbart colleague, you can tap into that guiding white supremacy to invoke anti-Semitic conspiracy theories about Jews secretly working to undermine Christian conservatism...
Do You Want Dogs to Stop Barking at You?
Do dogs bark at you all the time? Would you take it as a sign from God if they barked at you less?
Because if the answer to either of those is "no," or "what?" Milo's conversion camp probably isn't for you. Of course Milo acknowledges before he says it that he's "gonna sound so stupid"... but then he says it anyway. So get ready to embrace your own stupidity with the Milo method.
Are You Willing to Live in Florida?
The Sunshine State gets a bad rap for its "Florida-man" headlines, but it has beaches, theme parks, and a thriving drug-rehab scam industry. So if you can get on board with all that, you're ready to get in on the ground floor of a new therapy-fraud trend!
All jokes aside, if you answered yes to all of those questions, hi Milo! We're really hoping your search for therapists goes well...just not the kind who will help you abuse people into suppressing their sexuality.