Madonna Preaches Equality from the Tub of Goo That Keeps Her Immortal

In an Instagram post over the weekend, Madonna preached about COVID-19 as "the great equalizer" from the security of a marble bathtub full of goo that keeps her immortal.

Looking almost unrecognizable to fans of her earlier stages of transformation, the 61-year-old music icon spoke of the coronavirus' lack of concern for human concepts like wealth or talent or race, all while hunched in an almost fetal position in the elixir that is slowly transforming her into an ageless being of pure net worth. Just like us, the "Queen of Pop" is stuck inside one of her many massive, luxurious homes and knows that we're all dealing with the same struggle.

That's why she has been sharing tweets and posts tagged #quarantine and #quarantine #staysafe and #becreative. She knows that if we don't keep our minds occupied with creative endeavors, we'll just spend our days wandering from room to room to one of the other dozens of rooms in our sprawling homes. Madonna knows that we can't all be as lucky as the supermarket workers who get to leave their homes and interact with ravenous crowds of toilet-paper hoarders for mandatory extended shifts as the pandemic spreads. The rest of us, like Madonna, only have the ten-thousand square foot homes that we own outright and enough money that we will never have to worry about being laid off, struggling to pay our bills, or being able to afford literally anything we ever want—around $570 million.

"We're all in the same boat," she said to the millions of Americans who were suddenly laid off and signed up for unemployment in the last week. "And if the ship goes down, we're all going down together." It's this kind of deep insight that can only happen as the elixir's blend of nutrients and rose petals works its miraculous changes, reforming her skull around her brain and completing the final stage of the transformation that will allow Madonna to go into a restorative dormant mode for the next hundred years—only to emerge when the Morlocks rule the earth and she can control them with her mind.

She posted her musings on Sunday with the text "No-Discrimination-Covid-19!!" It's a powerful message of equality from a woman who will instantly have her own medical team living in her home the moment she feels feverish. And when that tub full of goo does its job, and she finally does ascend to godhood among the freakish dregs of post-apocalyptic humanity, it's such a comfort to know that she thinks of us all as equals.

Thanks, Madonna!