Could Luke P. be the Beast to Hannah's Belle? We hope not.
At this point, no one can truly predict what's to come this season, but Luke P, resident psycho of the season, really could slither his way into Hannah's heart. Since Courtney Robertson, no villain has been so close to winning the affections of the lead.
Leaving the mansion for Newport, Rhode Island our expectations were low. Somehow, for two weeks straight, the men brought it. They've been the voice of reason, emoting exactly what Bachelor nation feels.
One-on-One: Jed is really a Jeb
Fake news floated throughout Jed's one-on-one date: Hannah filled the void of conversation with made-up facts about Boston, they ate pints of Halo Top in fifty-degree weather, and Jed claimed the Celtic's Terry Rozier and Jaylen Brown are two of the best players in the NBA.
All that aside, Hannah's first verbal fumble of the season made audiences cringe, as she tried five times to remember the quotation, "taxation without representation," foreshadowing the crap to come.
Their Boston date should've been perfect: they strolled through the city, drank at Cheers!, and played basketball at TD Garden with two pros. Yet, the date felt wasted.
Most likely, Hannah could've had just as much fun with any other guy. They kissed, and then kissed some more when Jed made a hook shot. Really, Jaylen Brown stole the show.
The two Browns hit it off, with the 22-year-old offering sound advice that Hannah should choose, "somebody who's there for the rough times and the good times … somebody's who's going to accept you for your flaws and your beauty."
Cut-to the evening, where Jed admitted to Hannah he actually came on the show because he knew it was a huge platform for exposure and a great opportunity for his career. Hannah came packing with one hard-hitting question, asking, "How can you go from this is an opportunity to marriage?"
He responded, "it's beyond a show at this point."
She glowed, hearing exactly what any woman would want to hear. Dropping the issue a little too quickly, Jed received a red rose but the audience saw a red flag.
Group Date: Meat-Fest
The group dates this season have been physically demanding, featuring injuries and hard falls. Last night was no different: the men met at Fort Adams to suit up and play rugby.
What Hannah considers sexy is a man in his purest, masculine form. "Blood, sweat, and tears!" she cheered, repeatedly, in a concerning manner. She also repeatedly claimed she wanted no one to get "hurt," but really, the harder the hitting, the better and hotter for Hannah.
The convincing neanderthal, Luke P., got a little too into the game, claiming he "would do anything for Hannah." Kevin, unfortunately, dislocated his shoulder, which Hannah only kind of cared about because she only kind of cares about Kevin.
The Beast really jumped out, roaring with male energy that fueled Luke P.'s inner caveman fire. The now infamous smack-down occurred when Luke P. lifted Luke S. to flip him, throwing him to the ground and, reportedly, kneeing him in the face. Luke S., who I shall call Mousey Luke because he looks like a mouse in a suit, was pissed off, rightfully so. Luke tried to apologize, but Mousey Luke would not have it.
Hannah wasn't having it either. She called Luke out on his frustrating ways, to which he responded by lying and turning the attention towards Mousey Luke, accusing him of only being on the show to promote his tequila business. Diverting from the real problem, the rumor soon took root in Hannah's mind.
The issue gave Hannah a good reason to side with Luke since she already doesn't really like Mousey Luke. When questioned about the matter, Mousey Luke didn't respond well, irritated again by the lies and psychopathy Luke disguises as evidence.
The other men didn't take kindly to this either, especially when Luke tried to clarify what happened. In defense, Luke declared he didn't know what happened because it was all a blur. He then articulated exactly what he believed occurred, demonstrating the threat Luke poses to the group and everyone's safety. Everyone was distressed by Luke's presence, many were concerned, while others were just fed up he devoured their time with Hannah.
Instead of feeding into the drama, Garrett and Peter tried to take Hannah's mind off it by focusing on their individual relationships. The rest was noise, especially as Hannah and Peter made out, heavily, sensually on a couch.
Hannah evidently appreciated this, rewarding Garrett with the evening's rose, to the dismay of adorable Pilot Pete.
One-on-One: A Turning Point
Hannah Brown's facade was tired. She was meant to be on a date with Tyler C, but her mind was consumed by Luke.
Defying the show's format, Hannah admitted her relationship with Luke was the strongest thus far which made her question her own judgment.
Unable to plaster on her winning Alabama smile, she was up-front with Tyler C; she didn't want to be there. Instead of folding to her will, he stepped up, demonstrating exactly what Jaylen Brown told her to look for in a man, someone willing to be there for her highs and lows.
Tyler C. reassured her, saying, "I'll take whatever I can get, I want you in your highs and lows. I want to be the man on your side at the end of this and I think I can show you that today."
All of Bachelor Nation watching Tyler C comfort Hannah right now: #TheBachelorette https://t.co/bMgJP71RaH— Lucy May 🌻 (@Lucy May 🌻)1559611500.0
With another manly date in store, the two excitedly fished together. A real connection was visible on screen as he continued to cheer her up. The reality of life and the ability to be there for one another transcended the situation. There, unlike with Jed, their date went beyond the show. The way they joked with each other, being punny and funny, proved their real-life compatibility.
In the evening, Hannah posed a question to Tyler C., "Why are you really on the show?" Unexpectedly, his "big time griller, big time chiller" persona was set aside. He divulged his father almost died two months before the show, spending 25 days in the hospital with 10 in a coma. Tyler C. was reluctant to go on the show, but his father reassured him while watching The Bachelor together that Hannah's his girl.
He didn't believe it until he got out of the limo. Tyler C. recounted that for the first time in his life, he clutched his heart when he saw Hannah. Elated, she remembered that moment and through the TV, anyone could see the sparks fly. To viewers, the sky cleared and the stars aligned for them to meet.
#TheBachelorette Tyler C: I got you, I’m always gonna have you Me: https://t.co/u7WY0SJTw8— kimberly T (@kimberly T)1559611212.0
Hannah admitted she was wary of him, believing he was a player. He smoothly retorted, "I'm here for Hannah, not the bachelorette." Tyler C. was there for the little jitters she gave him, knowing, "the world could be ours." Hannah gave Tyler C. his rightful rose, which should've been the end to a perfect date.
Instead, they celebrated with a private concert. Jake Owen had the live audience cheering and the couple kissing, giddy.
The Cocktail Party: Send The Lukes Home, Pls
The evening began with a dragged out, pointed toast about love and honesty. Thankfully, Pilot Pete swooped in to begin the evening on a soothing note. He wanted to "keep the momentum going" by sweetly asking her to be his girlfriend. The innocent, but cheeky moment was refreshing, especially when Hannah exclaimed, "Peter's my boyfriend!"
While the momentum did build, it was unfortunate because of the Luke drama. The rest of the evening could've been edited down to a two-on-one and no one would have noticed.
Mike, being the no-bs man of the season, informed Luke he's "the cause of her being unhappiest right now."
"Actually… no," Luke excused himself, failing to be accountable in the pettiest of ways.
The word psychopath was hurled at Luke, finally, to his face. Someone on production gave Luke their phone because, in the meme-able confessional, Luke read the definition of a psychopath, shoving the phone towards the camera to prove his point.
Mousey Luke attempted to redeem himself with Hannah to no avail. He tried another tactic, asking Luke to admit to Hannah he was incorrect about Mousey Luke's intentions. The male ensemble resoundingly agreed, especially Garrett who attempted to get through to Luke.
Being the psycho he must be, Luke began the conversation with, "I know this has been an emotional week… for the BOTH of us."
Martin Luther King: I have a dream Victoria Justice: I think we all have a dream https://t.co/IRnC8ttXR5— alex (@alex)1493183640.0
The awful start got worse when he bitched to Hannah that Mousey Luke told him to lie to her and say he's here for the right reasons.
Hannah obviously did not take that lightly and began the he-said-he-said merry-go-round.
When Mousey Luke discovered Luke's bullshit, he was astounded. When all was finally revealed to the group, every reaction was phenomenal. Dylan added the cherry on top, serving as the national mouthpiece, "I've never disliked someone more in my entire life."
The two Lukes stared at each other and the show cut-out to NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELORETTE…
Safe to say the whole nation gasped.
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If you cling to outdated ideas, you are choosing to be left behind.
A relative recently reached out to express concern that I was sharing ageist sentiments on the Internet.
She didn't have to specify which content had bothered her. I knew she was talking about my attacks on "boomers."
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Please stop me.
Post Malone is the poet laureate of all beer-drunken hearts, and his astute observations on life, love, and intoxication deserve to be taken far too seriously.
As a freshly graduated English major who just moved to Brooklyn, I feel that it's my personal responsibility to share my philosophical musings with the world. Sadly, very few people read books anymore, so I've decided to apply my degree to something I love but that also may meet the masses on their terms: the exquisitely poetic lyrics of the one and only Post Malone.
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