Secret menus are the bane of fast food workers' existence.
Put yourself in the shoes of an average fast food worker. You're getting paid minimum wage to stand on your feet all day and shill artery blockers to people. You're constantly tired, and no matter how many times you shower, you can't escape the stench of cheap coffee beans or burger grease. Your only solace is the fact that you can practically do your job on auto-pilot because, you know, there's a pre-established menu.
Then, some entitled a$hole scoots in and the following conversation plays out:
Fat man eating fast food hamberger. Breakfast for overweight person. Gennadiy Poznyakov
Entitled A$hole: "I'd like a Double Dawg Extreme Slammer."
You (A Fast Food Employee): "Excuse me?"
Entitled A$hole: "A Double Dawg Extreme Slammer." *He leans closer and whispers. You can smell the doritos on his breath.* "You know. From the Secret Menu."
You don't know, because there is no "Secret Menu." There is the established menu, and then there are the articles that piece of sh*t hack writers put online to make fast food employees' lives harder, believed only by the stupidest people in the entire world.
To make matters worse, you can't tell this Entitled A$hole that his brain is melted, because then he'll have a hissy fit. So instead, you pander to his delicate sensibilities and ask him how it's made. He proceeds to give you a ridiculous custom order, and you secretly hope that this is the final straw to give him the heart attack he so desperately craves.
So next time you're trying to figure out which one of the "Starbucks Secret Menu Drinks Inspired by the Friends Cast" to order (HINT: If there's not a sign in-store blatantly listing the drink, do not order it), try one of these five cool Secret Menu items at any popular fast food chain!
1. McDonald's: SUPER Grease Shack McQuadruple
Every Secret Menu lover needs to try McDonald's SUPER Grease Shack McQuadruple at least once. Just go into McDonald's and read them this secret code: "Hi, I'm a tremendous a$hole desperately trying to give myself a heart attack. I'd like you to stack four of your thickest beef patties on top of one another with ten fat globs of BBQ sauce and french fries sandwiched in between. Please include a cup of used grease for dipping, and have your janitor on duty to clean up after I die in your tiny bathroom." They'll know exactly what to do!
2. Dunkin' Donuts: Donut Dunka' Brewlatta
If you're looking for a real secret treat that you can't find anywhere else, head over to your nearest Dunkin' and demand a Donut Dunka' Brewlatta. Here's what you tell 'em: "Hey, I should probably be in a group home, but instead I'm here bugging you. Please place one of your stalest jelly donuts in a large plastic cup and then pour Frozen Coffee Coolatta on top. I will eat it with a spoon." Make sure to keep it a secret though!
3. Chick-fil-A: Big Gay Sammy
Chick-fil-A may publicly hate LGBTQ+ people, but their secret menu says otherwise. So next time you decide to spend your money at a fast food chicken restaurant that opposes gay marriage for some reason, make sure to tell them: "I want a chicken sandwich, but make sure the mayonnaise is of the human variety." Lick your lips and maybe wink a few times to let the employee know that you're talking about that Secret Menu.
4. Taco Bell: Doritos Locos Beef Bag
The Young Turks
You've had the Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco, but have you heard of the super secret Doritos Locos Beef Bag? If you're hunting for the pinnacle of Taco Bell secrets, you've just hit the motherlode. Try saying this drunk at the drive-thru: "Yes, hi, I'd like you to take one of your large to-go bags and just fill it with your signature saucy beef. Ideally you can just dunk the bag into your beef vat so the outside gets wet, too, that's how I want it, nice and wet and beefy. Then after the bag is full, crumble up a bunch of Dorito taco shells and mash them inside the bag with your hands. I will pay you $20 to do this." Don't worry, they'll make sure you're taken care of!
5. Starbucks: Old Coffee
Probably one of Starbucks' best kept secrets, you can get Old Coffee instead of fresh coffee. How? Easy! Just walk up to the register and tell your barista, "I'd like some Old Coffee." If they ask you what you mean, just repeat yourself and add the secret phrase. "I'd like some Old Coffee. NOT fresh. If it's fresh, I swear to God, I'm going to pour it on your head. Don't disappoint me." Starbucks is all about customer service, so brace yourself for the magic of Old Coffee.
Or, if none of these amazing Secret Menu options sound appetizing to you (or maybe you just weren't dropped on your head a bunch as a baby?), try ordering off the regular f*cking menu like a functional member of society.