In what could only be surprising to someone living inside their own butt, the Republican lobbyist and Trump advisor with a Richard Nixon tattoo on his back has been indicted and arrested by the FBI.

Roger Stone, full-time partisan hack and part-time Steampunk enthusiast, has been indicted on seven charges including obstruction, witness tampering, and making false statements about his knowledge on the 2016 Wikileaks dump that arguably sank Hillary Clinton's campaign.

Roger Stone as "The Man Who Runs the Machines."

Imagine, for a moment, Roger Stone walking into a tattoo parlor. He's taking a break from planning out whatever crime against America he plans to commit that afternoon.

"Hey, I heard you do portraits here," says Roger Stone.

"Sorry, that's not really our specialty," says the tattoo artist.

"Can you do Richard Nixon on my back?" says Roger Stone.

"Why would you possibly want that?" the tattoo artist replies.

"Because I'm blatantly committing crimes against the United States."

But nobody could actually be that stupid, right? Nobody would actually believe a Republican politician sporting a Richard Nixon tattoo.

Three criminals.

Okay, but to be fair, Alex Jones is a guy who rallies his supporters to harass the parents of school shooting victims. Let's not set the bar on the floor.

Stone On Tucker Carlson: "Mueller Trying To Destroy My Life"

Wait, Fox News's Tucker Carlson brought him on his very reputable show two days before the indictment? But Tucker Carlson is supposed to be a voice of reason! Well, he's just one guy. It's not like anyone else would possibly be so...

Geraldo & #NervousFox Hosts turn on Mueller over Roger Stone

It''s all of them. They're all defending him. Are they all stupid? Or maybe...but no...that couldn't possibly...

There we go. It all makes sense now. Whew, that was a close one, guys. They're not stupid! They don't actually believe Roger Stone is innocent. He has a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back, for fuck's sake. Of course he's guilty. They just don't care because he's on their team.

Too bad for Roger Stone, the penalty box for this sport is a prison cell.

Dan Kahan is a writer & screenwriter from Brooklyn, usually rocking a man bun. Find more at

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