10 Things We Wish Had Happened During Joe Biden's Inauguration
J-Lo saying "Lets Get Loud" was on the list.
January 20th was a hopeful day for many Americans.
After four years of worrying that the President was going to start a nuclear war via Twitter, it feels good to finally have an adult in the Oval Office. That being said, after Trump, yesterday's the inaugural proceedings were almost jarringly cohesive.
There were no rambling, senseless speeches given by a reality star turned oligarch, the performances were wholesome and uplifting, and the whole event was clearly attempting to emphasize American unity above all else. While this was all admirable, it kind of felt like someone insisting that they're a good driver after careening their Subaru off a cliff. If the Trump administration proved anything, its that America is not united, it is not tidy and wholesome, and it is most certainly not a place where "everyone can just love each other."
After four years of messy, chaotic drama, we would have preferred it if the Biden administration had eased us into the new regime a little more slowly and allowed for some petty theatrics throughout the inauguration.
Here are ten things that should have happened during the inauguration yesterday that would have much better represented the true ethos of America.
10. Lady Gaga announces the Hunger Games.
When Lady Gaga took the stage wearing what appeared to be a wetsuit surrounded by a deflated hot air balloon, we knew she was going to revive democracy with her four octave range. But what we didn't see coming was her enormous mockingjay broach that immediately made us think of Effie Trinket announcing the next tribute from District 11.
Honestly, if we were going to have to fight to the death with nothing but a bow and arrow and a baker's hot son, we'd want Lady Gaga to be the one to tell us. Given the number of Americans who are out of work and no longer receiving unemployment, and with no stimulus check in sight, we really aren't that far off from a country reminiscent of the Hunger Games.
9. Garth Brooks absolutely rips into "Friends in Low Places"
Picture it. Two bars into "Amazing Grace" and Garth just can't resist: He puts his cowboy hat back where it belongs and, acapella, croons his 1990 hit "Friends In Low Places." By the time Garth gets to his final "Where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases my blues away," Kamala looks astonished but pleased, Joe's clapping along, unaware anything went wrong, and Bernie is asleep.
Truthfully, "Friends In Low Places" is a far better representation of the average American's life than "Amazing Grace," so it would have been a more believable performance. Besides, to the rest of the world, Americans basically are the friends in a low place.
8. Lady Gaga sings "Shallow" and Joe Biden sings Bradley Cooper's part. They kiss at the end. Jill is fine with it.
Remember when Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper sang "Shallow" at the Oscars and we collectively swooned? Picture that, but with Uncle Joe's BLINDING veneers and (presumably) smooth baritone. We aren't saying the kiss at the end would be romantic necessarily; we're just saying it would be very, very tender, and we would love it. If the story of a successful rockstar peeing himself on stage and overdosing isn't thoroughly American, than what is?
7. Amanda Gorman performs a slam poem about Trump and then invites Klobuchar to join in the roast.
So we absolutely would not change one single thing about Amanda Gorman's gorgeous inaugural poem, but we would have her remain at the mic a little longer to absolutely BLAST Trump. Throughout the entire inauguration there was the sense of a giant, orange elephant in the room. While there were vague references made to "division," there was no outright condemnation of Trump or his followers. If Amanda Gorman could have been allowed to kick off a brutal roast of the 45th POTUS, we know she would have done something brilliant like manage to rhyme "cheeto" with "NATO."
6. Joe Biden reads Trump's farewell letter in a silly voice and holds for laughter.
After news broke that Trump had, indeed, left a note to Joe Biden in the White House, Twitter wasted no time before making (astute and totally probable) guesses as to what the letter said. What we really wanted to happen, of course, is for Joe to unfold the Diet Coke-stained piece of paper on which Trump obviously scribbled over Joe Exotic's pardon, clear his throat dramatically, and read the letter aloud. Dear Joe…
5. The Voting Rights Act is restored in full.
This is the most unrealistic dream on our list. But it's a beautiful dream for millions of Americans whose right to vote is suppressed by manipulative and unjust laws. And the new President of United States did say, "The dream of justice for all will be deferred no longer…"
4. J Lo stops singing "This Land Is Your Land" and breaks into Selena's "Bidi Bidi Bom Bom".
She isn't supposed to do it, but every soul is too elated to stop the proceedings. Michelle Obama, inspired, rips off her fabulous belt to reveal a whole other dress – only for J Lo to rip off her gorgeous white coat to reveal one of those regal one-shoulder capes. Then Michelle rips off her dress to reveal another fabulous dress underneath. This continues until the end of the song, when it's revealed that both J Lo and Michelle Obama are actually two doves dressed in multiple layers of beautiful clothing.
3. Greta Thunberg marches up to the podium and Joe Biden mimes handing her back her future.
Greta finishes her tweet about Trump looking like "a very happy old man looking forward to a bright and wonderful future. So nice to see!" before marching up to the podium. Joe Biden somberly walks up to meet her. With gravitas, Joe extends his two empty hands into the air between them. Greta's brow furrow quivers for a moment as she extends her own empty hands. They nod in silent respect. It would be an accurate representation of the absurd theatrics that are inextricable from American politics.
2. When Amanda Gorman said the thing about the fig trees, Lin Manuel emerges dressed as Hamilton and sings the WHOLE song.
Imagine: Lin Manuel Miranda brings Hamilton back to the White House for the first time since 2016 – this time in full cosplay. He never breaks character. When he's done singing his last bar of "I'm just like my country / I'm young, scrappy, and hungry," he takes a seat in the back next to George W. Bush and patiently spectates the rest of the ceremony. Not a single speaker or news anchor acknowledges his presence, but America sees. America loves her cringiest uncle. The one thing that truly can unite us? A mediocre rap musical.