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Werner Herzog's Interview in "Variety" Is a Sapiosexual Wet Dream

Werner Herzog is our philosopher of the end times.

If you've never seen Werner Herzog's 2005 documentary Grizzly Man, allow us to tease it for you:

Herzog pieces together real footage taken by Timothy Treadwell, a young and zealous grizzly bear enthusiast who takes to camping among packs of wild bears as often as he can, because he believed he could gain their trust and be accepted among them. While Treadwell said his ultimate goal was to protect wild bears from poachers, Herzog's interviews with park rangers, bear experts, and Treadwell's friends and family unfold an eerie picture of the last five years of Treadwell's life. Spoiler: Treadwell and his girlfriend were both killed by a grizzly bear in 2003 while camping too late into the season. Treadwell's rolling camera captured the audio of their deaths. Herzog's treatment of Treadwell's life story earned him acclaim and some criticism for the macabre subject matter.
But that's Werner Herzog's wheelhouse. Older than the baby boomers, the 77-year-old director, screenwriter, author, actor, and opera director has cemented a place in New German Cinema and among millennials favorite philosophical weirdos. Wired called him "The Luddite Master of the Internet"; though he rejects social media as a "massive, naked onslaught of stupidity" and refuses to use a cell phone except in emergencies, his work has slowly taken on subjects like the future of technology, and he's begun acting in more mainstream projects after appearing in 2012's Jack Reacher as Tom Cruise's nemesis.

Now Herzog's come to Disney+. With the streaming platform kicking off with much fanfare, at least $375 million in marketing alone, and technical errors on launching day, its lead original series, Jon Favreau's The Mandalorian, is at the center of attention. Aside from being the first live-action TV series for the Star Wars franchise, it presents Herzog playing a villainous character. Yet, as Herzog told Variety in a recent interview, he's never seen a Star Wars movie. In fact, he barely watches films. He does, however, take an academic—nay, philosophical—interest in Wrestlemania and Keeping Up with the Kardashians, presumably in order to study the 2019 zeitgeist and, you know, track its moral and artistic decline.

Herzog's fascination with the most absurd and uncanny aspects of modern existence already makes him Twitter-perfect, but his takes on reality TV and streaming services could make him as beloved a weirdo-philosopher as Slavoj Žižek (but with less saliva.) We (along with Twitter) have to honor the too-pretentious-to-be-true pop culture commentary Herzog has given us while starring in the Hollywood franchise he's either surrendered to or he's infiltrating in order to dismantle it from within, culminating in an explosive documentary to be released just before climate change ends the world in 2030.

No, He's Really Never Seen a "Star Wars" Film

Herzog allayed fears that he was too unfamiliar with the Star Wars franchise to do justice to a part in The Mandaloriani: "You shouldn't feel upset that I haven't seen the "Star Wars" films; I hardly see any films. I read. I see two, three, maybe four films per year."

He added, "I assume much of it was motion-controlleld cameras and green screens," which was enough to convince him that Favreau probably knew how to handle The Mandalorian artfully.

He Watches "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" Even Though They're "Vulgar"

This is the absolute best ad for Keeping Up With the Kardashians since Kim's 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries.

He Doesn't Give a Sh*t About Disney Live-Action Remakes

When asked if Herzog gave any f*cks about Jon Favreau's prestigious filmography (seriously, what?), Herzog responded: "I do not know what other films he has made." When informed that Favreau "made 'The Lion King' earlier this year with Beyonce and Donald Glover," Herzog said: "Well I like 'The Lion King,' but the animated version 30 years back or so. That was a wonderful film, the music was particularly great, Hans Zimmer's score."

Is this shade at Favreau? No. Is this shade at Beyonce or Donald Glover? No. Is this 100% Werner Herzog sitting in a chair in a room surrounded by books à la the first 5 minutes of Good WIll Hunting and not realizing there's been a Disney film released since 1990.

Disney (and Amazon and Apple) WILL Soon Rule the World, So Just Surrender Now

Herzog ends the interview by noting that the only streaming platform he's signed up for is Criterion. But now that the world will soon be run by Disney, Apple, and Amazon, he appropriately closes the interview by saying: "You're right. I have no choice but to sign up for Disney Plus and Netflix. I shall go do that now."

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