The History Channel, now known simply as "History," is the biggest joke of a television channel in...well, history.
Anyone unfamiliar with History might understandably assume that the channel airs documentaries and educational content related to its namesake. But while that assumption might have been correct back in the mid-90s, modern History is an unapologetic wasteland full of the worst reality TV shlock humanity has to offer. In some sense, though, maybe this is the History we deserve. Maybe humanity really is just a vapid, brain-dead virus destroying our planet in the name of empty profit, and History Channel truly is the history of us. And if that's true, if these History shows are reflective of who were are as a species, then perhaps global warming is the reckoning we deserve. Just take a look at what's on this channel.
5. Ice Road Truckers
Ice Road Truckers is a show about truckers driving trucks down long, cold stretches of icy roads. 3.4 million people watched its premiere for some reason, and it aired for 11 seasons from 2007 to 2017. I don't know who watched Ice Road Truckers in the first place, and I don't know who kept watching it for 138 episodes. But I do know that if the only good thing that comes from global warming is that Ice Road Truckers can't get a reboot because all the icy roads are no longer icy, then maybe we're on the right track.
4. Swamp People
Swamp People is like Duck Dynasty except stupider. I never thought I'd need to type that sentence, but here we are. The show revolves around a bunch of Louisiana hillbillies hunting alligators in a swamp. That's it. There are spin-off shows and mobile games and absolutely none of it makes a lick of sense. Millions of people tune in every week to watch a middle-aged man shout "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT!" as he shoots alligators in a swamp. This is all anyone needs to know about humans to know that we're fully deserving of being destroyed by the planet.
3. Pawn Stars
If you replaced all the old, kindly appraisers from Antiques Roadshow with four yelling obese men, you'd have pretty much created Pawn Stars. It's certainly more entertaining than Ice Road Truckers and Swamp People, what with its deeply unlikable cast of overly dramatic pawnbrokers, but it also somehow offers less educational value, which should be impossible. Perhaps it should come as no surprise that Pawn Stars is most popular in rural Kentucky. Luckily, Las Vegas is already pretty hot as is, so if we're lucky, global warming will destroy it first.
2. Brothers in Arms
This History Channel masterpiece follows two Army veterans who now run a gun shop in Utah where they build souped up weapons and harass their daughters about wearing make-up. It's an absolute pandering dumpster fire geared towards the kind of gun owners who are frankly too stupid to be anywhere near a bathtub, let alone a round of live ammo. When global warming destroys Utah, it will undoubtedly be for the best.
1. Ancient Aliens
If ever there was a show that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt why humans no longer deserve planet Earth, that show would be Ancient Aliens. The premise of the show is that a group of lunatics lie about and attempt to decontextualize human history in order to pretend that ancient humans once made contact with aliens. There are 14 seasons of this show. It is still running, and it airs on a channel called History. I pray these idiots are correct, because while global warming might destroy us within a few centuries, aliens would be a whole lot faster.