Have you noticed the state of things lately?
They're not great. Frankly, the world kind of seems to be falling apart, what with the global pandemic and Great Depression-levels of unemployment. We could all really use some cheerful, brainless distraction from, you know, everything. And what's the best, most cheerful, and brainless form of distraction known to man? What a dumb question. It's obviously Christmas movies.
That's why Hallmark started airing Christmas movies in March. They are designed to deliver exactly the kind of baseless reassurance that "everything is gonna be just fine" that is scientifically proven to turn off 99% of the human brain—AKA the bad parts that get in the way of your happiness. Of course there are some more concrete, fact-based forms of reassurance that are pretty good too. Like old people—the really old ones, the ones who lived through the Great Depression and know how dark things can get before they turn around and we all (most of us…) make it out alive. People like Betty White from Golden Girls.
When 98-year-old Betty White was growing up, no one had money, so her dad built crystal radios and bartered them for dogs! She ran volunteer supply runs in WWII! Admittedly, that was just in California, but the point still stands. She's lived through pandemics and wars, recessions and depressions. She's seen some sh** and came out the other side with an infectious smile, a positive attitude, and a friendly relationship with alcohol. She's perfect! Betty White and Christmas movies. That's all we need.
Oh, hey, what's this? Along with a new documentary following Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's exit from the royal family, Lifetime has announced production of a Christmas movie starring Betty White, whose eternal good cheer is the only thing that can save us from the swallowing depths of our own dark thoughts. Oh joy! We're saved! We only have to wait… about seven months—assuming we're lucky and production actually goes through.
The new movie doesn't yet have an official title, but it's going to star Betty White as a tough, no-nonsense woman whose job is to "whip would-be Santas into shape" and promote, get this, "the true meaning of Christmas." Did you feel your brain go a little soggy just then? That's the Christmas movie magic.
The concept is obviously perfect. The only problem is that we have to wait so long. While the government debates how much of a pittance they're willing to give us to get through this disaster, they're ignoring what we actually need: one Christmas for every month of Quarantine. Stay inside with a cup of cocoa and a brain-melting movie starring Betty White.
It doesn't matter if it's all filmed in a Zoom call with a glitchy virtual background of the North Pole, we need to see drill Sergeant White putting the fear of Betty into some trainee Santas ASAP. We need to be grappling with the big, important questions, like the movie's central mystery: "Is she secretly Mrs. Claus?" Is she?! Only time (and a very early premiere of this movie) will tell.
Help us, Betty White. You're our only hope.