Donald Trump's Disinfectant Injection—and Other Brilliant Ideas (that Will Kill You)
Really really don't do any of this, or anything else the president tells you to do
President Donald Trump made a medical breakthrough on Thursday, during his daily press briefing on the coronavirus pandemic.
Using his tried and true method of blurting out the first dumb idea that popped into his head, he stumbled upon the most dramatic advancement in health science since Jonas Salk invented the polio vaccine. No doubt he was searching for new options after a study from the VA seemed to show that hydroxychloroquine—previously his favorite miracle cure—provided little to no benefit to COVID-19 patients. And he found those options in the course of the seemingly aimless rambling that is currently being broadcast on every major network and cable news channel on a daily basis.
Here's the basic idea—you know how sunlight and UV rays have disinfectant properties? They even use UV rays in some hospitals to kill off viruses and bacteria on various surfaces. So what if we just blasted the human body with that same kind of light—inside and out. As Trump put it, "Supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do, either through the skin or in some other way." Sure, the exact same forces that make it so effective at killing germs also damage our own cells, causing cancer, and there would be no way to shine that light on all the cells infected with the virus, but who cares! We should all start swallowing UV flashlights just to be safe.
But of course, that's just step one. Our president went on to provide an even more stunning insight later in the briefing. Speaking of the challenge of fighting this virus, which debilitates its victims for such a long stretch of time, Donold Trump remarked, "Then I see the disinfectant, where it knocks it out in a minute—one minute—and is there a way we can do something like that, by injection inside, or almost a cleaning? … It sounds interesting to me."
Extremely interesting. We already use it to clean our counters, why not use it to clean our bodies as well? With all the logic of a six-year-old being introduced to these concepts for the first time, Donald Trump put two and two together and got twenty-two. Clearly the only reason we haven't all been using disinfectants internally is because no one had ever thought of it before. It's not like Lysol started as a "feminine hygiene product" that could cause blistering and inflammation. Just ignore the warning labels telling you that disinfectant will destroy your insides—Donald Trump clearly has. Just pump a syringe full of household cleaner into your lungs and you'll kick that nasty cough—along with breathing in general—for good!
Of course today Donald Trump is claiming that his suggestion of using UV light and injecting disinfectant were "sarcastic." Obviously there's no better time for him to suddenly display an imperceptibly dry sarcastic wit like in the middle of a press briefing on a viral pandemic that is currently the number one killer of Americans—espeically considering how many of his supporters already subscribe to the miraculous effects of drinking bleach—but he's probably just being modest about how great his idea was. With that in mind, it's time to start applying the same kind of thinking to all the problems in our lives. For instance (please don't actually do any of this):
Want to stay young forever? Wrap your head in plastic
What do you do if you want to prevent your food from going bad? Bust out the plastic wrap. So why don't we take the same approach to the aging process? Just like fruit and vegetables, our skin gets wrinkly and limp as we age, so logic dictates that the same method should work for preserving your looks. If you wrap your entire head in a layer of plastic wrap, and crank the AC until your home is one giant refrigerator, your loved ones will never have to see you grow old.
Cold feet? Pop them in the oven
Sometimes, when your feet are really cold, even a thick pair of socks won't cut it. but you already know how to warm things up--you do it to your food all the time. So just turn on your oven, prop it open, and stick your feet inside. The great part is, it works for any part of your body that gets cold--just remember to bring a pillow if you're warming up your head.
Need some help studying? Snort SD cards
It's said that the nasal passages provide a direct line to your brain—which is why degenerates and lowlifes snort drugs up there to make themselves dumber. But not you. You're smart, and you want to be even smarter. Well, what could be smarter than a computer? So the next time you're struggling to remember some important details, just grind up some computer chips or a handful of SD and snort up that memory-powder for some extra smartness.
Tired of cleaning the toilet? Drink some bowl cleaner
This one is a real stroke of genius. No one likes to deal with a nasty toilet bowl full of weird pink stains and awful smells, but we don't all have Rockefeller-money to be spending on those little bowl inserts. Instead, just add a few ounces of normal toilet bowl cleaner to your morning coffee, and the next time you pee, it'll clean the toilet for you!
Just remember, once you've tried all these great ideas (please don't...), thank President Trump for the inspiration.