There's just over a year left before the highly anticipated 2020 presidential election.
Some have already chosen their champion, while many more emotionally stable people will ignore the whole thing until the nominations are in and just vote for whoever seems like less of an assh*le. But what often go ignored are the smaller, local races. Who's your representative? Who's your city councilmember? With very few exceptions, nobody has a clue.
Today, we're going to clear up that confusion for two small-time politicians in the New York area, two men who would otherwise be all too easy to confuse: Joseph Saladino and Joey Saladino. Joseph Saladino is the Republican Supervisor of the Town of Oyster Bay in Long Island. Joey Saladino—AKA Joey Salads—is a minor internet celebrity who made a name for himself by pumping out white supremacist "social experiment" videos and by literally peeing up into his own mouth, on camera. Now, after that impressive display of aim, he's aiming for a Congressional seat in Staten Island. Are Joseph and Joey related? I don't know. Who cares? Let's talk more about the pee video.
I watched it so you don't have to. He looks…happy. He swishes it around in his mouth before spitting it out. I'm not an expert on this particular type of content, so I can't judge it on its technical merits, but I did once see a lonely gorilla at a zoo drink her own urine, and a zookeeper informed me that she had recently lost her partner. It's actually a common behavior for severely depressed apes, but it's what Joey Salads does when he's living his best life.
He isn't even ashamed of it! He doesn't deny it or claim it was special effects. Is he too stupid to come up with such a simple lie? Maybe. There's very little research on the neurological damage caused by peeing into your own mouth. The only thing Joey wants you to know is that it was just for a jackass-style movie and that he did not swallow.
You might ask, "How could someone who has peed into his own mouth possibly have a high enough opinion of himself to believe he's a member of the master race?" And he does, by the way—see above, where he is pictured wearing a Nazi armband, in his words, "ironically" (just kidding, he doesn't know that word). Well, Joey Salads has his reasons. For one thing, he has firsthand experience with black people acting violently and destroying his property––mainly because he hired them to act violently and destroy his property. You can see their amateur acting in his "social experiment" videos, which generally close with insightful commentary like, "As you can see from this video, the black community is very violent towards Trump and his supporters."
For a long time, Mr. Salads denied the allegation that there was anything fake about these videos. His content used to be a regular feature on Drudge Report and other conservative outlets for people who love racist bullsh*t and have a distinct inability to distinguish fiction from reality. But eventually, Salads got caught on camera hiring a group of men to smash up a car that he'd plastered with Trump paraphernalia, and he's since admitted to some slight embellishment in his blind ambition to accumulate views and subscribers.
At this point, he's managed to rack up nearly three million subscribers for his channel, and "Saladino for Congress" (@JoeySalads) has over 130,000 followers on Twitter. Too bad not all of his fans live in his district, because he'd be a shoe-in. No, Joey will have to win over voters the old-fashioned way, with his inspiring policy proposals. Luckily, he's latched onto a topic that's on a lot of voters' minds these days: the minimum wage. He wants to lower it.
Good luck, Mr. Salads! You will always be Congressman Salads in our hearts, and you'll never get that taste out of your mouth.