The holidays aren't for everybody.
Known in the media world as the "Christmas Creep," Christmas advertisements emerge quietly in October and are sometimes in full force by the time Halloween costumes are tucked away. The music industry is no different. "The straight answer is the physical market," RCA Records co-president John Fleckenstein told Billboard. "Christmas albums tend to be multigenerational, and thus, they skew very heavily on the physical side." If big market stores like Target and Walmart want the albums to take off in time for the Holidays, October is the month to stock up.
But thanks to streaming, the demand for Christmas music has exploded even more, breeding some shuddering renditions as a result. It began this year with John Legend and Kelly Clarkson's gauche attempt to revitalize "Baby, It's Cold Outside" for the MeToo era. "It's your body and your choice," Legend sings.
While Christmas music may be well-intentioned, the era of streaming has produced some uncomfortable and unnecessary Christmas music. Here are the strangest holiday albums to emerge so far in 2019.
Rob Halford, Celestial
"And when I look up to the sky and let my soul release," Halford croons passionately over synth and acoustic guitar. "A warm embrace comes gently down and fills this heart with peace." Who knew Christmas could rock so hard! The British "Metal God" released Celestial this October, and its gravitas is abrasive. But maybe that's the point? Maybe some people just wanna break sh*t on Christmas instead of sipping sissy eggnog.
▲Elijah Blake, Holiday Love
Who knew Christmas could be so turnt! "I call you Rudolph when you step off in the coupe," mutters Elijah Blake over a bass-heavy trap instrumental. "Red lights, but I'm rollin' rollin, Sleigh ride, yeah, I'm up to something." Blake's Holiday Love EP is an absolute force. The album cover finds Blake staring joyfully up at some mistletoe, while wreaths dangle from his dreads. "I guess we gotta let your mom and daddy know the bad news," Blake sings on the innuendo-heavy "Snowed In." "Might as well grab some candles and blaze." The two time Grammy-award winning songwriter falters and dives headfirst into insanely corny territory.
▲Chicago, Christmas
While it serves as the perfect gift for your boomer uncle, a Chicago Christmas is a cringe-filled ride. Featuring a painful R&B rendition of "Merry Christmas, I Love You," it finds the aged rockers in a painfully corny place.
▲Robbie Williams, Christmas Present
As part of a 2-disc set, each disk will be titled "Christmas Past" and "Christmas Future" (get it?). The "ambitious" double album will feature guest appearances from Rod Stewart and Bryan Adams, among others. The cover art and first single alone guarantee that the awkward British boomer will continue to be an awkward British Boomer. Let's now revisit the stiff misogyny that was the "Millenium" music video.
▲Celtic Woman, The Magic Of Christmas
To be fair, the 13-member group Celtic Woman go hard with their Christmas music. Omitting that they have somehow used the same cover art for nearly every album, what's Christmas without a bunch of white Irish women caroling in your f*cking face with a full orchestra at their back?
▲Idina Menzel Christmas: A Season of Love
Because Frozen II just wouldn't cut it, Menzel released a bloated 18-track Christmas album at the end of October, and her MeToo era duet with Ariana Grande is something to behold. "Now I'm a fan of Frosty, I go ga-ga for The Grinch," Menzel sings, "But beneath the hype, are they the type you'd turn to in a pinch?" I don't know, man, maybe? I don't know, it's Christmas, leave me alone.
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