Devin Nunes' Mom Is Actually Really Proud of His "Butt Licking"

Sometimes it can be hard to tell real news from steaming piles of gossip.

As a top-tier journalist—a muckraker, if you will—it's my job to get my hands dirty sifting through the raw, unprocessed stream of cultural output in order to help readers like you distinguish solid, well-digested nuggets of fact from the sloppy messes that aren't worth the paper they're smeared on. So when I hear a claim that a Congressional Representative's own mother is on Twitter insulting him and describing herself as his "not-so-proud" mom, I know I have a lot of work to do. Fortunately, I'm lucky enough to have some help from a fellow enthusiast in the task of licking a mess.

Enter Devin Nunes, a man who recognizes crap when he sees it, and who has zero tolerance for leaving it where it is. He cleans it up, and he has a serious appetite for the process. In this day and age, when social media provides a pedestal for anyone to release their torrents of loose, fluid rumors—spewing improvised nonsense like a bunch of jazz singers scatting—Devin Nunes is the Congressman who has committed himself to diving headfirst into that never-ending stream of scat. He's not one to turn away from anything that doesn't pass the sniff test. He'll find his opening and dig in. Gossip and rumors are the tempting but filthy morsels that are left dangling after all the solid news has issued forth from between the twin muscles of journalistic vigor and integrity, and Devin Nunes eats those morsels for breakfast.

So you can bet your behind that when some fool on Twitter calls herself @DevinNunesMom and uses that platform to insult him, Representative Nunes will take notice. He will sue for defamation, and he will get that account suspended. And when that same fake mom gets an alt account and starts the rumor pipeline churning with the hashtag #DirectorOfButtLicking—claiming that Nunes is in charge of licking butts for the Trump administration—you can rest assured that they picked the wrong Congressman to go up against in that game. Devin Nunes will not be bested in a battle of tongue wagging.

Is it true that he has shown a level of subservience to Donald Trump throughout his presidency and the impeachment hearings which you could characterize as "obsequious and fawning?" Absolutely. Is it further true that Donald Trump sometimes promotes whatever story casts him in the most favorable light in a process that could be summed up as "talking out of his ass," and that his pet theories about Democratic corruption are sometimes so false that you could call them "a load of sh*t?" Of course.

And in that sense, yes, Devin Nunes eagerly awaits the questionable material that issues from the president's "ass" and laps up that "sh*t" with an enthusiasm that most of us can't muster for Thanksgiving dinner. Does that make him a "butt licker?" I can't answer that question, because I don't want to be sued for $250 million. But whatever you call it, I can tell you that Nunes' mother—who has served as the treasurer of his congressional campaigns since 2002, is absolutely proud. She was also proud when he co-sponsored a bill to discourage frivolous lawsuits.

As for the rumors that his cow hates him, the jury is still out.