Selena Gomez's Sweat is Worth More Than You'll Ever Be

Look away, you destitute cretin.

From extreme diets of oat milk and narcissism, to untenable workout routines made up entirely of instagrammable glute exercises, the rich and famous are always preaching new weight loss strategies.

The latest trend in reducing your physical form until you're only sentient butt cheeks, is simple: sweat. We know what you're thinking, you too can sweat — and for free — simply by coming home to your fifth-floor walk up with groceries or by accidentally liking your ex's Instagram from 58 weeks ago, but that's poor people sweat and it's disgusting so keep it to yourself, you toad.

What we are referring to is expensive sweat, celebrity sweat. At Shape House, an urban sweat lodge, you can pay $40 a session to sweat out your ugly! All kinds of stars — Selena Gomez, The Weeknd, Lea Michele, Mandy Moore, Khloe Kardashian, Ashley Graham and more — have come to the New York and Los Angeles locations of Shape House to burn calories, improve their skin, sleep, and mood, and boost their energy levels.

Lea Michele at Shape House

Miss Chiche told ET that clients come in for lots of different reasons, saying, "When Abel [Tesfaye] comes, which is The Weeknd, he likes the way he feels, that he can go on tour and have all this energy and feel like he doesn't need to do as much to relax after a concert.

In addition to Abel, Selena Gomez is also a frequent customer at Shape House, and told Elle that, "It's changed my skin, it's kind of changed my body as well, so it feels really good." That that sentence is entirely devoid of meaning is irrelevant, stop thinking about it, you don't deserve to think about Selena Gomez.

Mandy Moore at Shape House

Shape House describes their mission as follows: "We believe that the more people sweat, the more people are at peace. The more people are at peace, the more the world is at peace. That is the moving force behind all that we do."

Obviously, the founders of Shape House have never tried to eat a scone in a winter coat on an 85-degree L train with seven strangers in simultaneous physical contact with their body and an eczema flare up that could put the sahara to shame. That kind of sweat brings no peace, only shame.

If you're wondering who had the wildly disconnected understanding of everything from human biology to politics necessary to imply that the road to world peace is actually a river of sweat, the answer is, "entrepreneur, optimist, Harley rider, and sweat activist Sophie Chiche." That description made it increasingly clear that Sophie Chiche is either an evil genius capitalizing on rich people's desire to look like Bratz dolls, or a trust-fund-bred human Ugg boot who actually thinks she invented sweat.

Either way, it's hard not to kind of respect the absurdity of it all.


Brooke Ivey Johnson is a Brooklyn based writer, playwright, and human woman. To read more of her work visit her blog or follow her twitter @BrookeIJohnson.


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