As a pop culture news site, we here at Popdust uphold our sacred duty to keep the public informed of the major events of the world.
If Scarlett Johansson gets cast as Muhammad Ali in a new biopic, or Drake "accidentally" tweets a picture of a Jonas brother's junk, we know that you're counting on us to keep you up to date with all the hot takes and fresh perspectives on the situation.
Occasionally we'll interrupt that kind of gripping coverage to let you know about major events in the political sphere—AKA celebrity gossip about ugly people—but today there's just not much to report.
Did all the famous and powerful people of the world get together and agree to lay low today, just to spite us? Are they trying to bore us to death with all the nothing that's going on?
Are they hoping we'll be so relaxed and calm today that we'll all achieve nirvana and melt into the fabric of the universe, and then they can take all our stuff—our precious stuff?!
Sorry, that's just the old news instinct kicking in, trying to find a story in all the absolute normalcy and averageness of the day's events, but there probably isn't a secret conspiracy of world elites to force us to achieve enlightenment.
Even though there's an overwhelming sense of peace and stillness pervading the world at the moment—as literally nothing happens and no one's future hangs in the balance—we probably aren't about to ascend en masse to a higher plane of existence. That would take at least a week of slow news.
No, the truth is that it's just one of those days when all 7.5 billion people on the planet Earth are pretty much just chilling, so there's nothing to report. Sorry if that's disappointing, but we can't just make up the news for your entertainment. We can't just say that Cardi B and Zach Braff have started dating, or that Ali Wong has been arrested for human trafficking.
There's a decent chance that those stories aren't even true, and Popdust only reports on the iron-clad facts of reality, which—at the moment—are just kind of dull and regular.
There is a palpable lack of foreboding hanging in the air. Some people are so bored that they've decided to spend hours waiting in line today, which is likely to lead to a lot of very laid back, friendly interactions between strangers who are all basically on the same page—about how normal everything is right now.
Feel free to check some other news outlets too, but they probably have similar articles in the works right now. The big headline in TheNew York Times later is probably going to be something like "Not Much, You?" because, having scraped the bottom of the barrel, we can definitively say that there's literally nothing worth mentioning.
So, if your fingernails have been getting long, and you've been looking for a reason to nervously gnaw them down to raw stubs, you'll just have to wait.
You might as well get back to the very deep and restful sleep you've been having lately and dream about a time when world events will be eventful again.
For now though, everything is normal and happy and fine. The people of the world are united in a general embrace of peace, stability, and the oneness of all mankind, and that's how things will surely remain for the foreseeable future.
Please know that as soon as there is anything going on, we'll tell you. So check back regularly for updates on whether Selena Gomez gets that belly button piercing she's been thinking about, or if Pete Davidson has finally proposed to Angela Merkel.
Until then, sorry for the slow news day ;)