Why the “Demure” Trend Isn’t A Tradwife Redux: Its Inherent Queerness
Echoes of TikTok’s “Very demure, very mindful,” trend took over the internet so fast that I fear many people missed the joke. August 2 will forever go down in history as the day TikToker Jools Lebron (@joolieannie) posted a video titled “How to be demure at work” about her now-famous approach to life. “See how I come to work?” she said. “Very demure.”
The original video has over 7M views — which is a level of viral people and PR agents dream about. However, her follow-up video went even more viral, with over 21M views. The most viral has 36M. That’s close to three times the population of New York City. So, no wonder none of us can deny Jools’s impact.
@joolieannie #fyp #demure ♬ original sound - Jools Lebron
In this follow-up video she expanded the vocabulary of the demure cinematic universe, saying she was: “very approachable, very considerate, very mindful.” Other words that have become part of Lebron’s lore are “modest,” “cutesy” and the portmanteau of “demuretsy.”
While both videos were instantly iconic and became trending audios for other creators instantly, some people began to notice one important factor: what was considered demure one day wasn’t so mindful the next.
In her first video, Lebron said that showing her “chichis” was “very demure” — as long as you show up to the job how you showed up to the interview. Yet, video two was all about the importance of wearing a high-cut shirt.
I hate to explain a joke — it takes half of the fun out of it — but Lebron knew exactly what she was doing with that. And slowly, viewers started to catch on, too. “We need a demure rule book that gets more convoluted and inconsistent as you add rules for us!!” said one comment — to which Lebron replied: “YOU GET IT.”
A video titled “How to be demure when you order your food” is one of the most illustrative of this tongue-and-cheek flexibility. “I’m not like you other girls, I don’t go out and eat Wingstop after work, I get a nice salad.” Cut to, a clip of Miss Demure’s plate, laden with salmon, loaded potatoes, mac and cheese, shrimp, and more from Longhorn Steakhouse. “Very demure,” she affirms to the camera. This is a core part of the joke. Anything can be demure if you will it — and anything can be a salad if you call it that.
If anything can be demure, is anything really demure?
The demure saga expanded exponentially, fast. It was the masterclass on living that I never knew I needed. Wear “ very short, very simple” nails, Lebron preached while wearing sparkly acrylics. She also gave tips on how to be demure in citations that aren’t so cutesy. “How to pick up your ID you left at the gay bar,” for example. Or even how to make “Apple,” the song of BRAT summer, more demure when your friends want to do the TikTok dance. (This one has Charli’s stamp of approval after she commented, “very cutesy!!!” on this demure devotional.)
@joolieannie #fyp #demure ♬ Apple - Charli xcx
Demure is a state of mind. Demure is a lifestyle. And many creators have taken that to heart, adopting the tongue-in-cheek nature of the videos to justify literally any of their whims.
However, TikTok’s penchant for isolating sounds, and now individual words, from their individual contexts has added some problematic layers to the discourse. Imagine if Nara Smith started giving out tips on how to be demure. Or, god forbid, the Ballerina Farm mother, Hannah Neelman. This sound would take a very different tone.
That's why, divorced from its original, cutesy context, people are starting to wonder, is being demure regressive? While some creators reveled in the trend and declared it a demure fall, others made videos and posts about how they weren’t demure. Honestly, they could’ve shared the same sentiments while claiming to be demure about it, and it would’ve been a whole lot more fun.
On one hand, I get it. Many of the people complaining about everybody integrating the TikTok “very demure, very mindful” trend into their lives have been marginalized in some way by the tyranny of compulsory femininity with hereteronormative paradigms. When taken at face value, being “demure” is something they’ve likely fought against.
@ly.as0♬ son original - lyas
But that’s where the trend gets misunderstood. As a trans woman, Lebron’s commentary on feminity isn’t just tongue-in-cheek because of her hilarious juxtapositions. It’s inherently subversive — and that’s the point.
The inherent queerness of the demure trend
As the TikTok “very demure, very mindful” trend took off, some people had no idea where it came from. Quickly, some well-meaning videos amassed comments like “You don’t know what demure means” or “This feels very MAGA.”
Meanwhile, some people who discovered Lebron’s content and took it seriously didn’t take her seriously. Cue the transphobia. Predictably, because the internet is a hellscape, these trolls couldn’t fathom why a trans woman would ever speak on femininity. Comments flooded Lebron’s videos.
She responded to one that said, “A man giving advice to women on their appearance is crazy,” with the perfect rebuttal to transphobes (okay, maybe second to that one guy at the DNC).
“I’m very mindful on the internet,” she said. “I take jokey jokes and I hang out with the girly girls … I don’t get mad and dissolve into transphobia.”
But the demure trend isn’t just queer because Lebron is queer. In fact, just because everyone has started using the TikTok “very demure, very mindful” trend in their lives doesn’t mean it’s new.
Internet sensation Devin Halbal has been making videos about “keeping it demure” for months. Meanwhile, the “mindfulness” part of the trend might be a play on last summer’s “be mindful of why you were invited” trend where people jokingly encouraged being … there’s no other word for it: demure.
@hal.baddie keep it demure
♬ original sound - Devin Halbal
And what’s more queer than being playful about gender norms? Lebron’s identity is transgressive and, in acknowledging her deviation from expected gender expression as a non-passing trans woman, she claims ideas of feminity that are weaponized against her by asserting everything about her, and her life, is feminine, cutesy, demure.
Lebron is following a legacy. In an August 13 video to credit the “many demura divas” who have “paved the way” for her, including trans sisters like artist and content creator Selyna Brillare or ballroom icon Venus Xtravaganza. “Demure is just a way of life for the girls, for the dolls like me,” Lebron said, adding, “Who’s the original demure? Well, all of us. Being demure is thanking the people who have come before you while you pave the path for the people who will come after you.”
And while trans people, especially trans people of color, have historically been erased from subcultures they influenced and created, something very different is happening here. Lebron has posted multiple times about how her new fame has “changed [her] life.” She recently reported that she can even finance the rest of her transition thanks to her virality.
That’s the most cutesy thing of all. As we bask in her influence and use the TikTok “very demure, very mindful” trend to inspire our social media posts: “Let’s not forget to be demure, divas.”
And check out Jools Lebron (@joolieannie)'s most demure tête-à-tête with the fabulous RuPaul - Guest Host forJimmy Kimmel Live on the 2nd night of the DNC.
- YouTubewww.youtube.com
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