"A lot of people ask, 'What will Jackass be like once we're older?'" Chris Pontius asked in the new trailer for Jackass Forever. "Well, it'll get more mature."
The debut trailer for the new film shows that despite aging and sobering up considerably, the Jackass gang of misfits are still up to their mischievous ways. The new trailer showcases, among other things, Johnny Knoxville getting shot out of a rocket and attacked by a bull, Machine Gun Kelly getting slapped into a pool by a massive plastic hand, and Steve-O getting his balls electrically shocked.
The trailer itself has already earned the condemnation of PETA, who called the stunts "violent and vulgar." "When animals are exploited, harassed, and harmed: That's cruelty," PETA President Ingrid Newkirk said in a statement. "Four months before its release, Jackass Forever has already risked normalizing animal exploitation and legitimizing the cruel exhibitors who pimp out animals for productions."
But the truth of the matter is that the stunts previewed in the trailer seem relatively tame compared to some of Jackass's past debauchery. Here are some of the more nauseating stunts from over the years that showcase just how far these boys would go to make the members of PETA and everyone else feel uncomfortable.
The Goldfish
One of the first introductions to Steve-O's penchant for stomach-churning stunts, the daredevil drinks a goldfish out of a plastic water bottle, and proceeds to puke it back into its fishbowl. With multiple people watching, Steve-O struggles to do the latter and violently gags for a good while before he succeeds in barfing the fish (which survived the ordeal) into his new home. The stunt aired on the second episode ever of the show and still to this day is painfully uncomfortable to watch. It also gave viewers a taste of how far these guys would go to gross us out.
The Off-Road Tattoo
Getting a tattoo in and of itself can be a nauseating experience for some. The grind of the needle, the steady pain as it pierces the skin, the inky blood: The activity is not for the faint of heart or weak-stomached. Now imagine getting a tattoo while off-roading. That's exactly what Steve-O succumbed to in this legendary stunt. While an inexperienced Henry Rollins rips around an off-road course, Steve-O gets mercilessly drilled into. The result (a bloody, smeared smiley face) is hard to look at in its final form.
The Longest Nail Beer Luge
While this brief 15-second stunt is merely used to introduce Jackass 2.5, it is a vile one at that. Steve-O drinks a Miller beer that slowly gets poured over Shridhar Chillal's fingernails, who remains the Guinness World Record holder for having the longest nails on one hand. Steve-O can seemingly taste the gritty, nail-y texture, as he squirms and gags his way throughout the entire process. While it's brief, the idea of it is still absolutely gut-wrenching.
The Poo-Cano
The Poo-Cano seems innocent at first. The camera pans over a detailed model train set and charmingly hand-made surrounding environment. As an upbeat instrumental plays in the background, a light-blue mountaintop comes into view, and it's soon revealed to be Dave England's buttcheeks. The mountain then becomes a volcano, so to speak, as England sprays explosive diarrhea all over the model train set.
The stunt was so grotesque that almost every person on set can be seen gagging or running off-camera to hurl, including a producer and cameraman. Dave England then runs off butt naked to clean his own feces off of himself.
Vomelet
If the "Poo-Cano" was any indication, the most nauseating stunts performed by the Jackass crew are usually handled by Dave England, who somehow gladly performs some of the series' nastiest gigs. The "Vomelet" stunt starts off innocent enough, with England surrounded by all the ingredients required to craft a good omelet.
Instead of cutting and whisking everything, England merely eats the ingredients, then vomits them back up into a skillet. Once the "Vomelet" is cooked, Steve-O, who often matches England's penchant for grossness, then volunteers to eat the result. What transpires is enough to make anyone run to the bathroom.
Sweatsuit Cocktail
Most of the series' nastiest stunts appeared in Jackass 3D, and while many of them involved feces or vomit, the "Sweatsuit Cocktail" was a special brand of nasty. The stunt opens up with a clammy Steve Lacy riding on an elliptical machine in a sweatsuit. As he begins to sweat, the moisture funnels through a cup, and who else but Steve-O drinks from the sweat cup. He pretty much immediately begins to vomit, as does everyone around him.
The Poo-Cocktail Supreme
In another fecal-related stunt that definitely takes the cake as one the grossest Jackass stunts ever, Jackass 3D's closing number finds Steve-O strapped to a Porta Potty that's transformed into a carnival ride with two large bungee cords tightly wound to either side. Steve-O is shot up in the air and smashes into the ground with a full 24-hours' worth of urine, feces, vomit, and other nastiness saturating his body.
Like most NYU students, Christine from Lady Bird needed therapy
It's a tale as old as time: the search for catharsis.
And since movies are the form of storytelling most apt for mindless escapism, film tropes have emerged to give us the satisfying feeling of catharsis through well-worn story structure and character formulations.
Every genre of film has seen iterations of the cathartic "hero's journey": violent blockbusters, fantasy epics, even charming indies. When executed well, you have a great film. But even a subpar movie can give that feeling of release if it follows some of the tried and true story elements — hence the endless Fast & Furious, Mission Impossible, James Bond sequels, and the like.
Most often, the exchange between tension and catharsis is played up every summer for major box office films. The majority of these star mysterious, jaded protagonists who are looking for catharsis through revenge or triumph. What draws us to these characters is often their rugged determination and their single-minded focus. These protagonists (mostly men) are often successful in their pursuits … but at what cost?
As we become more and more aware of the toxic messaging of culture and media, and more and more knowledgeable about mental health, some of the classic hero tropes are beginning to lose their aspirational luster. The proliferation of characters who are textbook definitions of toxic masculinity or male fantasies of "damaged" women no longer has the hold on us that it once had.
As filmmaking becomes more complex, different and diverse stories are making their way to the forefront, moving even mainstream movies away from contrived formulas and one-dimensional protagonists. And with increased access to and conversation about mental health, characters are getting more self-aware and films are increasingly exploring characters on journeys to catharsis through self-knowledge and therapy.
As we acclimate to a new era and move away from the overly familiar angst and aggressions of tropic protagonists, rewatching iconic films often begs the question: What if this character had just … gone to therapy?
Bruce Wayne in "Batman"
Pretty much every popular superhero should be in therapy. Most of their origin stories depend on some unresolved trauma that they work through by saving everybody else. Peter Parker feeling responsible for Uncle Ben's death? Therapy. Orphaned alien Clark Kent? Therapy. Bruce Wayne watching his parents die and inheriting billions of dollars as a kid? Therapy.
And because Bruce Wayne's origin story doesn't depend on any mutations or supernatural ability, his entire superhero persona is built out of a childhood fear of bats (more therapy) and money he could have used to fund community programs to reduce crime — someone should have given him a book on abolitionist theory, too — instead of engineering technology to fight it himself.
The Christian Bale iteration of Batman (because we don't talk about George Clooney's nipple-heavy batman suit, nor Ben Affleck's Zack Snyder version) sees the young Bruce Wayne searching for meaning and purpose in the wake of his parent's death. But instead of going on a stoic sojourn to learn hand-to-hand combat, he should have just talked to someone.
The fantasy genre is also ridden with orphaned children who turn their trauma into the pursuit for justice. The most popular example has to be Harry Potter. After a life of torment and mistreatment by his uncle and aunt, Harry gets to live out the fantasy of any neglected child: escape.
And somehow, going off to Hogwarts and coming into his parents' money seemed to solve everything for Harry — though who is going to talk about the fact that he squandered his obscene wealth on novelty candy, quidditch gear, and butterbeer while his best friend literally lived in poverty?
Sure, he endured years of abuse at home and watched some of his friends die in the war against the dark arts (RIP Cedric Diggory, Robert Pattinson's most iconic role), but everything turned out fine.
In reality, Harry's internal struggles about his parents, his childhood, and even his more Slytherin side could have been a lot less emotionally taxing if he had gone to therapy. And maybe he wouldn't have ended up becoming the magic world's equivalent of a cop, either.
The Narrator in "Fight Club"
The narrator in Fight Club is famously suffering from insomnia and probably anxiety from his dissatisfaction with his life — so much so that he lives in a disembodied state and creates an imagined version of himself. And though he seeks out sleeping medication and support groups, his unexamined life is the cause of his extreme dissociation.
Though he blames the monotomy of consumerist society (and he does makes some points, hence the cultish following the book and film have both garnered), looking for meaning through physical violence and hyper masculine aggression is not the answer — which was, in fairness, Chuck Palahniuk's point.
And while the narrator has a revelation about his mental state at the end, he never truly comes to terms with the deep-seated emotional unrest that started him on his downward path. He's a prime candidate for therapy, and so is every member of the fight club, as well as anyone in real life who tells you it's their favorite book and film for any reason other than Brad Pitt circa 1999. That's a cry for help.
Cliff Booth in "Once Upon a Time In ... Hollywood"
Speaking of Brad Pitt, he was undoubtedly the highlight of Quentin Tarantino's 2019 Once Upon a Time in … Hollywood. The film, a love letter to Hollywood and the '70s, starred Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt as an actor-stunt double duo, a combination which made for a glorious press tour and an even more glorious award season filled with Brad Pitt acceptance speeches that felt like a Mr. Congeniality tour, and we were here for it.
But, like any Tarantino production, Once Upon a Time in … Hollywood was deeply flawed. The classic Tarantino revenge fantasy played out a version of the '70s in which the Manson murder of Sharon Tate never happened becuase it was stopped in its tracks by Leo and Brad's characters. But despite the retributive ending, Brad's character, Cliff Booth, had a lot to answer for.
The repressed violence which he unleashed on the would-be murderers is moralized by his righteous victory but is more sinister than the resolution makes it seem. A key, but under discussed character point is that Booth was rumored to have killed his wife for being … annoying? There is also a scene in which he attacks a fictionalized, highly stereotyped version of Bruce Lee while on set … also for being annoying.
And while all is well that ends well for Cliff Booth, we could have done without the problematic violence that was one of the baselines of his character. Or, at the very least, he could have done with some therapy.
Barry Egan in "Punch Drunk Love"
Adam Sandler might be known for his goofy slapstick comedy, but his most celebrated roles are those in which he plays neurotic, anxious characters who get themselves into more trouble than they need to.
Most recently, 2019's Uncut Gems sees Sandler as a self-sabotaging jewelry merchant who comes into some luck and quickly loses it. But the precursor to this role is his role in Paul Thomas Anderson's Punk Drunk Love. Sandler plays Barry Egan, an anxious, shy man who is prone to the occasional violent outburst.
The movie follows Barry as he tries to pursue love while the pressure mounts from all sides — his overbearing family, his job, an extortionist, his own internal monologue. Egan's actions push him further and further into a spiral which could have been alleviated had he just gone to therapy, from finding the confidence to pursue his love interest to dealing with the pressures of his work and his family to addressing his violent bursts and self-criticism.
The Entirety of "The Breakfast Club"
Nothing has come close to capturing the suburban teen mood as well as the cultish charms of John Hughes films in the 80s. And while time has illuminated the way in which they were problematic and exclusive, they still have an appeal to even teenagers now.
What has kept them transcendent is their focus on teen anxieties, which make young people feel, in some ways, understood. The Breakfast Club is undoubtedly John Hughes's magnum opus for its timelessness. In a way, the characters act out a version of a support group and group therapy, finding catharsis through sitting on the library floor, talking out their feelings and writing a manifesto for the ages.
It's comforting, especially when you watch and marvel at The Breakfast Club for the first time as a trembling ball of teenage need, to think that you can confess all your secrets to a group of friends and suddenly be healed. Unfortunately, this is not the case.
Though they practice some of the pillars of therapy, talking about their lives, thoughts, feelings, and upbringings, each of the characters is a prime candidate for actual therapy, more than a moment of tenderness with a group of strangers can provide.
Jamie Rellis in "Friends with Benefits"
It's not just men that are thrust into tropes that think "complexity" is interchangeable with "emotionally stunted, repressed, and in desperate need of professional guidance." However, women are usually portrayed this way by men who don't give them the same agency as their male counterparts. Instead of the rescuer, they're the rescued. Instead of powerful and calculating, they're seen as heartless and unlovable — until they can finally open up again for the right man.
A lot of the time, this is the formula for romantic comedies in which stressed out, career-obsessed women need only one thing to solve their problems: a man. Even in self-aware romantic comedies which try to subvert the genre fall into the same trap. In Friends with Benefits, Mila Kunis plays Jamie Rellis, a fast-talking, brusk New Yorker who wants love but settles for an entanglement with J*stin T*mberlake's character, Dylan.
Jamie is supposed to be "not like other girls" because she's "realistic" about love, despite being a romantic at heart … which scares potential partners away. But her backstory, which is dropped into the film during conversation to establish her character without doing any of the work, reveals that she still hasn't processed her childhood trauma — an absent father, an unreliable mother, an unstable living situation.
But all of these details are just fodder for her quirkiness, and despite the ways they come up in her life and continually leave her disappointed, they are never addressed beyond her search for romance. Like most romantic comedies, what eventually completes Jamie is, you guessed it, love and grand gestures.
The romantic-comedy industrial complex has primed so many of us to think of relationships as the solutions to our problems, and that the "right person" will either accept us as we are or fix us. But bringing trauma into relationships will never end well, no matter what the end of Friends with Benefits tells you.
Every Manic Pixie Dream Girl Ever
Perhaps the most ubiquitous therapy-ready trope that women are thrust into in films is the manic pixie dream girl who is defined as a woman who "exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures."
The term was coined in reference to Kirsten Dunst's character in Elizabethtown and is pretty much everywhere. Often, what makes these characters so quirky and full of disdain for the conventions of life is their own trauma. These women, all alone in their white girl pain (a phrase used by Safy-Hallan Farah), are defined by their own vague sadnesses, which never get the chance to be addressed because they're not the focus of the movie.
So take all the MPDGs to therapy, give them their lives back, and free them from the clutches of these boring white men — who all need therapy, too.
Amy Dunne in "Gone Girl"
In an attempt to give back female characters' agency and subvert many of the tired tropes of women, Gillian Flynn wrote Gone Girl to give women a good villain. In a 2006 essay, Flynn wrote: "I've grown quite weary of the spunky heroines, brave rape victims, soul-searching fashionistas that stock so many books … I particularly mourn the lack of female villains — good, potent female villains."
With this in mind, Gone Girl, both the book and its film adaptation, gives us Amy Dunne, who fakes her own murder and watches her husband take the blame, only to end up forced back with him when her plan backfires. The saga is no doubt entertaining, and though it has been interpretated as feminist by some and mysoginistic by others, what can not be doubted is that Amy Dunne was in need of therapy.
The seemingly perfect wife claims in the infamous "cool girl monologue" that she, as women everywhere do, tailored herself into a version of the woman her husband wanted. The cool girl trope has been endlessly used — and some say it has evolved into a version of "cool girls" on social media who exist not to satisfy the male gaze but for social validation from other "cool girls" — but if anyone is out here changing their whole personality for external approval, this is your sign to attend therapy.
And if anyone is planning to frame their husband for their murder because they found out he is cheating, also time for therapy.
Lady Bird in "Lady Bird"
An instant cult classic, 2017's Lady Bird is the journey of a '90s era high school senior trying to escape the suburbs and her life on "the wrong side of the tracks." She tries her hand at escape tactics of the imagination: reinvention through her new name, theatre, relationships, and straight out lies about her life.
But Lady Bird (nee Christine) cannot actually escape her home, her circumstances, or her tumultuous relationship with her mother. The Greta Gerwig picture is tender, emotional, and artfully complex, painting a complicated picture of a complicated life. It seems for a moment that Christine won't get the escape she wants, and she will reckon with her life in some other way, but at the last minute, she is whisked away by an acceptance to NYU and goes off to the big city.
Promptly, she becomes that kid who gets rushed off to the hospital with alcohol poisoning at her first college party. After that experience, she has an epiphany and sends a letter to her mother which hints at reconciliation. But Christine is still reconciling with so much, and her penchant for drama and avoidance of her real life really ought to be addressed beyond her nostalgia.
Lady Bird is part of the zeitgeist of women-led stories which are unflinchingly intimate with flawed, lovable characters. But some of them could be spared a world of trouble by attending therapy. Here's to hoping.
With traditional in-person concerts on pause until further notice, music fans are scrambling to get their dose of live music.
Thankfully, Netflix boasts an impressive roster of not only musicals, but music documentaries that are just as educational as they are enthralling. Whether your tastes veer towards classic rock legends or modern-day hip-hop ringleaders, there's a documentary for you hidden in the depths of Netflix's catalog.
Below, we've rounded up our nine favorite music-related documentaries that you can stream on Netflix right now.
Studio 54
Studio 54 remains one of New York City's most iconic venues, defining a decade of Manhattan's glitzy nightlife scene in the late '70s. Told primarily from the perspective of co-founder Ian Schrager's point of view, Studio 54 takes a deep dive into two men's pursuit of the perfect nightclub.
Lil Peep: Everybody’s Everything
Lil Peep was positioned to be the next big thing in hop-hop, blending rock music samples with his poignant lyrics. Suddenly, in 2017, he died at age 21 of a drug overdose. Lil Peep: Everybody's Everything looks at the life of the emo-rap pioneer, born Gustav Ahr, a star in the making who burned out much too soon.
What Happened, Miss Simone?
Nina Simone might be one of the greatest entertainers of all time, but her success didn't come easy. Her dark, yet fascinating life is chronicled in What Happened, Miss Simone?, a Netflix original documentary that sheds a much-needed light on the woman behind one of history's most iconic voices.
Sample This
The hip-hop movement is largely considered to have begun in 1973, with many thanks due to one special song. Sample This examines how the track "Apache" by Michael Viner's Incredible Bongo Band inspired a generation of rappers, producers, dancers, and DJs, and how a single breakbeat can live multiple lifetimes.
Homecoming
When Beyonce became the first Black woman to headline Coachella in 2018, she wanted to rightfully represent her race; instead of just singing her hits (which would've been incredible regardless), she brought the unshakeable spirit of Black universities to the stage. Homecoming imports Queen Bey's dazzling performance to the small screen, spliced with behind-the-scenes action that gives a closer look into the mind of one of the world's greatest living performers.
Keith Richards: Under the Influence
The Rolling Stones are so untouchable and iconic that it's rare to feel any semblance of personal connection to them beyond their music. Under the Influence serves as a portrait of Keith Richards, the band's guitarist, who remains devout to the spirit of rock 'n' roll even after all this time.
Echo In the Canyon
Before the Internet flattened the world in regards to music discovery, Los Angeles' Laurel Canyon was a hotspot for some of the world's most influential bands. The rise of groups like the Beach Boys, the Byrds, Buffalo Springfield, and the Mamas and the Papas are documented in Echo In the Canyon, a film dedicated to the California Sound of the 1960s.
No Direction Home: Bob Dylan
While the United States was in a critical period in the 1960s, Bob Dylan was creating music to soothe the world. The Martin Scorcese-directed No Direction Home uses exclusive footage to uncover Dylan's early years of becoming a voice of a generation.
Do you remember the first time a sad scene in a movie left you sobbing? Or the first time a scary movie kept you up all night?
When you're a kid, your mind is still so malleable, and you haven't built up that callous that keeps movies at a distance. You might even wish — while you're watching the latest Conjuring movie — that you could get back to that credulous mindset that makes the horrors onscreen come alive in the dark corners of the room.
It's a bit sad to think that a movie will never again leave its impact on you the way movies did when you were a kid. On the other hand, knowing how impressionable and sensitive kids are, it's a bit weird to look back at some of our favorite kids' movies and recall some of the terrifying scenes that the creators slipped in there, to be permanently imprinted on our brains.
And what's even crazier is to look back at some of those scenes as an adult and confirm that it was not just about being an overly-sensitive kid. These movies, ostensibly made to entertain children, for some reason included some of the most disturbing scenes in cinematic history.
Okay, so the whole Toy Story series clearly deserves its own article about childhood trauma, but it's hardly alone. With that in mind, it's just worth calling out these nine movies in particular for taking up permanent real estate in the nightmare-center of our brains.
The Brave Little Toaster (1987)
If any movie is a spiritual precursor to the quiet, existential horror that occasionally bubbles to the surface in Toy Story movies, it's the Brave Little Toaster. The epic tale of abandoned appliances seeking out their beloved owner, Rob, Toaster and crew encounter harrowing dangers and malicious forces on their journey, all while struggling to come to terms with encroaching obsolescence.
It's difficult to pick any one scene as the source of the deep-seated terror that The Brave Little Toaster left in our childhood brains, because the whole film is honestly insane. There's the lightning storm, the waterfall, the wilting flower.
It's an incredibly dark story, with a patina of cheerful animation and musical numbers allowing it to masquerade as a kids' movie. But the image from Brave Little Toaster that is seared into our brains is the death of the air conditioner right at the beginning.
Voiced by the late Phil Hartman, doing his best Jack Nicholson, the air conditioner is a smug cynic looking down on the others. That is, until Toaster points out that he — being stuck in the wall — is just jealous of them.
At that point the air conditioner quickly devolves into a paranoid existential crisis. He gets himself more and more worked up until he overloads his circuits and is left a dead, smoldering heap — all while the others look on in horror.
The Neverending Story (1984)
The Neverending Story is a tale of Bastian, a young boy who is transported, through the power of reading, into a world of magic, dragons, gnomes, and stone giants. It's charming and fun, and generally has just the right touch of darkness and danger to give the whole adventure real stakes. Except for one scene that takes that darkness way too far...
Atreyu — the hero of the story that Bastian is reading — is leading his horse Artax through the Swamp of Sadness. It's explained that anyone who is overcome by the sadness of the place will be swallowed by the swamp. What follows is no less upsetting for the fact that it's predictable.
Artax begins to sink into the swamp's mud. Atreyu screams and cries as his beloved horse sinks deeper, pleading with Artax to keep moving and not to be sad, but by this point the sadness is slowly taking them both. It's a powerful metaphor for the crushing, sucking depths of despair that unchecked depression can lead to, and it never really gets any easier to watch...so why the hell is it in a children's movie?
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
Wacky cartoon violence has, for some reason, always been treated as okay for kids to watch. If you drop an anvil on a character's head and they walk away from it — with the addition of some circling birds and a weird hairless lump rising from the impact — none of the horror of violence seems to count.
But that logic gets a bit messy when you mix cartoons with the real world — as in the 1988 classic Who Framed Roger Rabbit. And nowhere is that mess more evident than in the death of Chistopher Lloyd's Judge Doom.
A real human actor is very vividly and painfully being crushed flat by a very real steam roller. And only after he's smushed into a pancake is his secret identity as a deranged cartoon revealed.
The steam roller scene along with the wild cartoon eyes, and the way he screams and smokes as he is subsequently dissolved in his specially formulated "toon acid" will haunt us to our graves.
The Witches (1990)
Another classic villain reveal is the witches' convention scene of 1990's The Witches, based on the novel by Roald Dahl. While the story was recently retold with Anne Hathaway, it's hard to imagine any performer bringing the Grand High Witch to life like Anjelica Huston — particularly when she peels off her face to reveal her glistening, warped, and scabrous true form.
It's a practical that outdoes any CGI and continues to be disturbing more than 30 years later. And yet it's outdone in the climactic scene when she and the other witches are subjected to their own magic, turned into mice through a truly hideous and disturbing transformation process.
But of course a movie about witches has to have some scary scenes. That's what witches are all about. It's not like it was a story about something cute like, for instance, rabbits...
Watership Down (1978)
Watership Down was a 1978 animated adaptation of the classic novel by Richard Adams, and it tells the story of a group of rabbits displaced by industrialization, searching for a new home in the English countryside. The movie, like the novel, faithfully depicts the terror of being a small prey animal beset by predators, competing with other rabbits, and threatened by humans and their machines. It also adds supernatural premonitions and death cults because...kids' stuff?
While the violence and death is a bit heavy in the novel, the 1978 adaptation took things to the next level with its graphic animation of bloody, gruesome battles. Why are we still afraid of General Woundwort?!
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)
It might seem strange that anyone would ever try to convert Victor Hugo's 19th century classic, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, into a cartoon for kids. But don't worry, while the 1996 film is extremely Disneyfied (characters have to survive if you're going to make an awful straight-to-video sequel), it still captures the alienation and cruelty that made the book such a beloved children's story harrowing tale of tragedy.
Nowhere is this more evident than in the Festival of Fools, when the crowd turns against Quasimodo, pelting him with eggs and rotten produce, and tying him down with ropes so he's helpless to escape their attacks. You're never too young to learn that the world hates ugly people...
Pinocchio (1940)
Pinocchio is a morality tale about a puppet who comes to life, has a cricket in a top hat for a conscience, gets kidnapped by a fox and swallowed by a whale, and has a nose that grows when he lies. It's a really weird story. Still, if you thought that the creepiness of being an old man's wood carving that comes to life would be enough body horror for one kids movie, you were wrong.
How about when Pinocchio and Lampwick go off on their own to drink beer and play pool and smoke cigars on a secluded island? Does that seem like a weird plot point for a kids' movie? Don't worry, Pinocchio learns that all this stuff is bad when his friend gradually transforms into a donkey while clawing at Pinocchio and crying out for his mother...
Cool stuff.
Little Monsters (1989)
Little Monsters is a bit more obscure than the other items on this list, unless you frequent the nightmares of anyone who saw it as child — in which case, you're thoroughly familiar. It's an unapologetic attempt to capitalize on the success of Tim Burton's Beetlejuice — but with a touch of Labyrinth, a prescient dose of Monsters Inc., and instead of Michael Keaton's charm, Howie Mandel's...enthusiasm.
Basically, there's a secret world of monsters that live under your bed and come out at night to terrorize children. Brian Stevenson (Fred Savage) befriends one of the monsters, and hijinks ensue — until Boy (Frank Whaley) catches wind of what's going on and kidnaps Brian's brother Eric (Ben Savage).
In a world of monsters, Boy looks almost normal — if a bit corpselike. But his uncanny human disguise — possibly stitched from someone else's skin... — makes his dispassionate sadism all the more creepy, and his weird neckless henchman Snik isn't much better.
In an otherwise silly movie, Boy's role as Little Monster's antagonist is unforgettably disturbing.
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)
No list of movie-induced childhood trauma would be complete without Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Another roald Dahl adaptation, the surreal horror is once again on tap.
Of course there's the casual way that the titular candy magnate handles it as the children on his factory tour are shrunk down, blown up like balloons, sucked into tubes that lead to boilers and dropped down chutes to furnaces. Wonka seems to think they deserve their fates, because they're gluttonous, greedy, disrespectful, or watch too much TV. And we're apparently expected to agree.
But while Wonka's pathological calm in these circumstances — plus that creep Slugworth and uncertainty about the labor rights of Oompa Loompas — should be disturbing enough, it's when Wonka's calm cracks that the movie becomes truly frightening. It's not clear why it was necessary for a simple boat ride to become a siezure-inducing acid-flashback, but that's what happens while a wild-eyed Gene Wilder puts on a convincing show of a man rapidly losing his grip on sanity.
This one scene takes up about two minutes in the middle of a children's movie, and manages to be scarier than just about any horror movie.
So these nine movies left indelible scars on our psyche's during a pivotal stage of development. They should basically be banned, right?
Hell, no. They're still classics, and we look forward to traumatizing our own kids with these one day...maybe when they're like, 19.
All the events clogging up our calendars and "wanna grab dinner?" texts waiting to be answered, we're feeling a little overwhelmed. And even though theaters are open and we're happy to support all our favorite local cinema spots, sometimes you just want to sit in the sweatpants that held you through quarantine and stream something from home.
The Summer Blockbuster of yore is a thing of the past now that there is a steady stream of new, exciting content on streaming sites seemingly every day. It can be hard to sift through all the new content, so we've picked out the best for you.
Here is the best new content coming to streaming platforms in July 2021.
July 2: Summer of Soul — Hulu
Questlove's Summer of Soul unearths forgotten footage from the 1969 Harlem Cultural Festival, a six week summer event celebrating Black music — with sets from Stevie Wonder, Nina Simone, Sly & the Family Stone, Gladys Knight & the Pips, Ray Baretto, Abbey Lincoln & Max Roach and more. Despite the big names and the incredible performances, the festival went largely forgotten, overshadowed by Woodstock which happened the same year, until now.
Through archival footage and historical commentary, the documentary revives the brilliance of the summer of soul through celebration of Black art, culture, music, and joy. Questlove's directorial debut has already garnered rave reviews for this must-watch feature.
July 8: Gossip Girl — HBO Max
Attention Upper Eastsiders, it's almost time. The long awaited Gossip Girl reboot premieres on HBO Max on July 8. The new series picks up nine years after the last one left off, exploring how New York and NYC high schoolers have changed in the intervening years through political change, new social norms, and the prominence of social media.
The reboot also promises another slate of infuriatingly attractive cast members to watch galavant around New York in beautiful clothing, including: Thomas Doherty (who got to make out with Zoe Kravitz in High Fidelity, therefore a man we are supremely jealous of), Tavi Gevinson (former style blogger and editor of Rookie), Whitney Peak (darling of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina), and Evan Mock (the pink-haired skater who got famous from a Frank Ocean Instagram story so obviously we're already obsessed with him).
The show also promises to be more "socially conscious" this time around so we're waiting around to see what that looks like.
July 9: Black Widow — Disney+
Sure you could watch Black Widow in theaters, but skip the crowds, lines, and exorbitant popcorn prices and stay in to see it instead. The long-awaited Marvel film has been delayed for long enough, so you deserve to watch it the second it comes out from the comfort of your room. With Disney+ Premier Access, you can do just that.
The trailer has been living in our minds since the first teaser was released in 2019. The origin story promises all the Marvel action, alongside the anticipated telling of Natasha Romanoff's backstory. Florence Pugh also co-stars, which is always a good sign.
July 15: Never Have I Ever, Season 2 — Netflix
The highly anticipated second season of Mindy Khaling's semi-autobiographical series Never Have I Ever is back on July 15th. The show's first season got rave reviews for its diversity and irreverence, a whimsical example of exactly how television in 2021 should look — inclusive without feeling forced.
The coming-of-age comedy series follows Devi, a high schooler balancing the expectations of her Indian immigrant parents and her burgeoning sexuality. In season 2, Devi has her cake and wants to eat it too: trying to choose which of her fledgling romances to pursue. The show became a hit during quarantine and is back now as the perfect comfort binge watch. The only question: Team Ben or Team Paxton?
July 23: The Last Letter From Your Lover — Netflix
Based on a book of the same name, this Netflix romantic comedy looks like the perfect watch to ignite your desire for romance and perhaps make you shed a few tears. Watch it with your significant other or put it on your summer vision board, The Last Letter From Your Lover promises to be a saccharine feast for your romantic senses.
The film stars Shailene Woodley, Joe Alwyn, Callum Turner, Felicity Jones, and Nabhaan Rizwan in a story of two couples, one in the past and one in the present. It follows the emergent romance between one couple as they read the letters of a couple who were separated decades earlier. If you're a Nicholas Sparks lover, this one's for you.
BONUS: July 23: Ted Lasso, Season 2 — Apple TV+
Jason Sudeikis might have been the cursed, chaotic element of the 2021 awards season — his awkward acceptance speeches, his tie dye hoodie… we almost didn't survive it — but his award winning show Ted Lasso is a fan favorite and Season 2 premieres on July 23.
The show follows an American college football coach who transitions into coaching British football … aka, soccer. With no experience in the game (white men stumbling into a job they're unqualified for, classic) Ted Lasso makes it work with not much more than like, surprisingly heartwarming enthusiasm.
So you finally caved and got a Disney+ account. Or maybe you finally convinced your roommate/friend/parent to give you their password.
Whether you needed access to the exclusive content to watch Beyonce's Black Is King, Taylor Swift's Long Pond Sessions, Marvel's WandaVision (no, there will not be a Season Two unfortunately), or even High School Musical: The Musical: The Series because you're regrettably into that "drivers license" song (this is a safe space, you can admit it), you have it now, and it can be overwhelming to figure out what to watch when your series binge is over.
So between waiting for each new episode of Loki to premiere, the appeal of Disney+ is the wealth of nostalgia it offers. From the Disney Channel Original Movies you watched in your childhood and haven't thought about in years to family friendly slapstick comedies to watch as background noise, and not to mention all the Marvel, Pixar, and Star Wars films, there's so much to watch but luckily we have the time.
Aside from making your way through the Marvel catalogue, here are some of the best forgotten deep cuts buried in the Disney+ archive.
Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella (1997)
What a timeless duo
We've said it once and we'll say it forever: Rodgers and Hammerstein's 1997 Cinderella was lightyears ahead of its time, and still holds water.
So much of the film was revolutionary. Brandy's role as Cinderella was a big moment for Black girls everywhere and for Black culture, and the supporting cast of Whoopi Goldberg, Bernadette Peters, Paolo Montalban, and not to mention Whitney Houston is still the only good example of colorblind casting.
After months of pleading from fans, the film recently made its way onto Disney+ and is delighting a whole new generation just as much as the old ones. You never grow out of the feeling of effervescent joy and almost juvenile hope you get from hearing Whitney Houston sing that "impossible things are happening every day," and now more than ever that's something we all need to hear.
The Mighty Ducks (1992)
Like so many classic Disney films, The Mighty Ducks got a remake. The new version, The Mighty Ducks: Game Changers, shows a present day version of the titular team which is no longer a home for misfits and underdogs but an exclusive, competitive powerhouse — we all become the things we hate, I guess. Naturally, the new series follows a new team made of underdogs to reinvent the classic sequence of the original in a new context.
Whether you're catching up to gear up for the reboot or disavowing the new version completely, the 1992 film is the kind of movie you can watch on repeat. Starring a young Joshua Jackson as Charlie and Emilio Estevez at his peak, you can't go wrong with the feel-good coming of age story — or even with the sequels, which are also all available to stream.
The Princess Bride (1987)
Over the 30 years since its release, The Princess Bride has endured. Each rewatch is a reminder of how much of its language and how many of its jokes are embedded so deeply into our cultural lexicon. The casting also feels like a minefield of memory, remembering what younger versions of household names looked like when they were only sort-of famous.
What makes The Princess Bride a classic is that it is, at its heart, a classic story. But its self-awareness makes it more than just a fairytale or even just a slapstick adventure story. It's a little bit of everything for everyone. (Thank God Quibi failed before it could manifest its Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner remake.)
Sky High (2005)
Peep Cousin Greg in the back
Sky High somehow only gets better with age. For example, we couldn't appreciate then that the angsty Warren's name was literally a play on War and Peace. And who could have predicted that the then awkward and nerdy Nicholas Braun would now be known as the still awkward but even more beloved Succession character Cousin Greg?
Disney may have all the Marvel films on deck, but Sky High doesn't take itself so seriously. It's like a goofier version of X-Men, less concerned with the grit and the angst and more so with the characters' coming of age.
Cool Runnings (1993)
The ultimate feel-good film, Cool Runnings tells the story of the first Jamaican bobsled team. Based on a true story, the film follows a team of Jamaican sprinters who miss out on qualifying for the Olympics as runners so instead take on the winter Olympics as bobsledders.
Cool Runnings is all heart. It executes the underdog formula at its best with a cast of memorable characters, a constant stream of jokes, and a team that keeps us rooting for them on every rewatch.
Sister Act (1992)
Whoopi in the '90s didn't miss. When the GameStock thing happened, I rewatched The Associate (despite its unfortunate Donald Trump cameo) to pretend to understand Wall Street and, like, stocks. And to me, her Oscar-winning role in Ghost eclipses even the scene where Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore make the pottery or whatever.
But without a doubt, the Sister Act films are the best Whoopi Goldberg features — so good it's hard to choose a favorite between the original and the sequel with a young Lauryn Hill. But since they're both on Disney+, we don't have to choose.
Remember the Titans (2000)
Sorry Sandra Bullock in the Blind Side, Remember the Titans was the sports movie that fixed racism — or at least made the most enduring attempt. The post-racial fantasy, ubiquitous in the late 90s and early 2000s, imagines that good will and football are enough to change the world, and I almost believe them.
The Super Bowl: redundant. Denzel Washington: at his best. Remember the Titans might, admittedly, be overly simplistic about the causes and effects of racism but the chemistry between characters is compelling enough to carry the film and make it into something heartwarming and triumphant.
Home Alone (1990)
Home Alone plays seemingly on repeat on every cable network every Christmas, but in the off season it's nowhere to be found. Now that the series is on Disney+, there's no need to wait until December to watch it. There's no wrong time to watch Macaulay Culkin run around his house setting booby traps and laughing in delight.
Let's forget for a moment that the Hanks currently in the spotlight is Chet Hanks for his White Boy Summer and return to simpler times: when Tom Hanks immortalized the character of Woody in Toy Story.
The saga lasted four movies and fourteen years, culminating in the 2019 Toy Story 4 which had audiences of children and grown ups alike in tears, but the first is still the best to recapture that childhood feeling instantly.
