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Hold My Yoni Egg: Netflix Greenlights Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop Show

Coffee enemas for everybody!

Imagine an entire Netflix show debating inane daily practices like which cereal to eat for breakfast—only worse, because it argues why coffee enemas are good for you and how to nourish your chakras by eating the colors of the rainbow.

On Monday, Variety broke the story that Netflix greenlit a docuseries as a part of Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow's wellness and lifestyle company whose concepts of health and wellness only suit an alien trying to pass as human. Each 30-minute episode of the docuseries will be hosted by one of the Goop website editors, including Paltrow. From the company's pre-existing podcast, magazine, and Paltrow's line of Goop cookbooks, the lifestyle brand has been "expanding its original content" and invading media since 2008.

"Cosmic Health"Goop.Com

Goop's chief content officer and possible extraterrestrial, Elise Loehnen, will also co-host the docuseries. She and Paltrow currently co-host Goop's podcast where they promote the brand's alternative medicine by interviewing "leading thinkers, culture changers, and industry disruptors" about the most effective "detoxes" and "cleanses" for the filthy human body. Loehnen is clearly a fan of her Oscar-winning partner (and probably shapes and colors in general), saying, "Gwyneth is a highly visual, tactile person. The quality of everything that we produce is very important to her. She's always looking for white space, whether it's developing physical products or thinking of content." Yet, every product at Goop seems to be pale gray, so something's tainting Paltrow's pure, white spaciness.


Sure, science has long been screaming into the Internet void that there are no such things as body "toxins," and claims to "detox" or "cleanse" your body by extreme diets are bogus, but Goop's editors clearly memorized their Marketing 101 textbook. Loehnen continued, "With this show, I think [Gwyneth] is only really interested in opportunities where we can uniquely be ourselves and do things potentially disruptive."

For instance, one of Goop's infamous luxury items is the yoni egg (yoni being the Sanskrit word for vagina). They've marketed that holding one of these bad boys inside the vagina for 20-30 minutes will alleviate irregular menstrual cycles, hormonal imbalance, and uterine prolapse. In 2018, the company was required to pay $145,000 and refund customers due to promoting these unscientific claims. Still, the website insisted that the yoni egg helps "cultivate sexual energy, clear chi pathways in the body, intensify femininity, and invigorate our life force"—for $66


Now Goop is coming to Netflix, where Paltrow and her team of full-time content strategists and part-time co-stars will pester doctors, researchers, and "experts" in alternative medicine. They'll explore issues of physical and spiritual wellness that Goop's richest customers care about, according to their marketing team. But we already trust Netflix to investigate what motivates the public through the drudgery of daily life by asking the piercing questions: Frosties or Sugar Puffs? In Black Mirror: Bandersnatch, viewers volunteered their data, and Netflix listened, sharing, "On the biggest day of Stefan's life, over 60% of his friends from the future fed him Frosties." What was the takeaway of this breakfast option? That Frosties are obviously better than Sugar Puffs and that branded content is a sneaky son of a bitch.

Likewise, Loehnen affirmed that the series will focus on promoting the Goop brand and plans on having no artistic integrity, stating, "We were speaking to the platform question, and where our people are. They're watching Netflix. Some of the more strategic, bigger stories we want to tell require a TV budget. Obviously, there's no better partner in that." The $250 million company might draw "bigger stories" from its website's advice, such as curing winter blues by massaging $85 ayurvedic oils between your toes, curing autoimmune diseases by swallowing parasites, or protecting your aura "from psychic attack and emotional harm" with $27 Psychic Vampire Repellent (which some say smells like "socks dipped in grain alcohol").


Netflix plans to release the still untitled docuseries this fall. As original content blurs into branded content and marketing and entertainment become one in the same, what title could capture the series better than "Goop: We're All Sick."

Meg Hanson is a Brooklyn-based writer, teacher and jaywalker. Find Meg at her website and on Twitter @megsoyung.

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